Page 30 of Falling for the King

She had no idea what she wanted to say to him other than don’t go, stay with me coupled with please go and leave me alone. Neither was an option. He was never to know the feelings she was battling that made a mockery of their conversation this morning.

He turned, a hint of colour on his cheekbones, a darkening across his jaw. Now she knew the rasp of it under her fingertips, the sensations as it scraped her tender flesh and she couldn’t stop the images of it rubbing down her body, the friction against her most sensitive spots.

Heat exploded through her chasing away any notions that she wasn’t a sensual person, along with the impact of Max’s sneers on their wedding night. Instead, feelings sprang to life she’d resolved she’d never experience. Feelings she didn’t trust nor understand. All she knew was she’d never been more aware of anyone like she was of Xavier and the more time she spent with him, the more pronounced it became. When she’d first met him she’d thought him tall, dark, intimidating but not traditionally handsome, his features too severe for that. Now looking at him spot lit under the chandelier she’d never seen anyone who appealed to her more. Every inch of him called to her and every one of her senses responded.

He stood with his jacket open, the snowy white of his shirt stark against his olive skin and the black of his still straight bow tie. He’d removed his hands from his pockets, hands that had pulled the black fabric across his crotch making it impossible to keep her eyes from dropping. She gripped the gilded chair tighter remembering the bulge and how it had pressed against her last night. She gulped and looked up to the seam of shirt buttons past an expansive chest that rose and fell in deep gusts over perfectly proportioned lips, to find darkened eyes watching her.

She blinked in mortification. There could be no other term for what she’d been doing. She’d been checking him out, and she’d been caught. Dredging through a list of things to say she selected and discarded them as the silence continued.

‘It’s not appropriate for us to meet like this, at night, alone.’

His head snapped back like she’d struck him.

‘Why?’

‘I don’t want.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I mean it’s not a good idea.’ Because after taking a few giant steps I’d be wrapping my arms around you drawing in the deepest, longest lungful of your scent and pulling your head down for a kiss, a long smouldering one. It would disgust you and that I couldn’t bear.

‘Do I make you feel unsafe?’

‘No!’ she practically yelled. Never that. It wasn’t from him that she needed protecting, it was from herself.

How could she explain to him the temptation she had to fight off every second she was in his presence without exposing herself in the most mortifying way. Soon he would be married and she’d have to get used to seeing him with a wife. Serena hadn’t attended tonight but she would, or another from his list would, and then there would be decades of spending time with coupled-up Xavier day in, day out. Her shoulders slumped and a wave of exhaustion hit.

‘No,’ she repeated softer. ‘You’ll be married soon and no wife would like this, would be happy with this.’ She waved a hand around the room. ‘Us alone at night, you …’ her voice lowered to practically a whisper, ‘taking off my jewellery, undoing my hair.’ A memory she’d have until the moment she died, the promise of it haunting her forever.

He paled and she thought he wouldn’t answer, would continue to stand in a simmering silence.

‘When I’m mar …’

She bit down on her lip, his eyes followed, lingered.

Realising what she was doing she stopped and gripped the chair even tighter.

Xavier cleared his throat and shifted his footing.

‘When I’m married that wouldn’t be okay, it isn’t okay now. As much as I don’t believe in jealously of any type, I believe in fidelity and respect. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that, I apologise.’

He looked down at the floor and dragged a hand across the back of his neck and suddenly looked as exhausted as she felt before he brought his hand back to his side fisting both of them.

‘It’s okay, Xavier.’

He brought his eyes back to hers.

‘Is it? You shouldn’t need to tell me what’s appropriate and what’s not. And you won’t. The last thing I’d ever want to do is harm you in any way, you’re too important to …’

Another long prickling silence charged through the room as she held her breath.

To me, she willed him to say.

‘Maynet.’

Deflated she puffed out a breath.

‘I’m tired, I’d like you to go.’

She couldn’t hold on much longer.

The clock chimed midnight heralding what felt like the end of the longest day, although there was no relief only an overwhelming sadness and the sensation of being wrenched in two.