Page 83 of The Bookshop By the Loch

The silence was palpable. It was as if we were sitting in a library, rather than a bookshop on a busy Scottish high street.

Tobias glanced at me and then back at his mother and uncle. “So, who knew about this arrangement?”

“Only immediate family,” assured Caroline, her voice small. “Before Naomi’s pregnancy became more obvious, she went to stay with our grandmother – your great-grandmother – near Aberdeen, and me and your dad rented a cottage close by and stayed there until after you were born, so we could help out and keep an eye on Naomi.” Caroline reddened. “There was also the fact that I wasn’t expecting, so it would’ve looked suspicious if I’d suddenly appeared back in Bracken Way with a newborn baby, having shown no signs of being pregnant.” Caroline’s desperation increased. “I fell in love with you the minute you were born.”

Tobias drilled his attention into his mother. “So, if everything between both sisters was so perfect, why did it become so fractious when I was growing up then?”

Trevor squirmed as he sat there. “You can’t legislate for people’s feelings, especially after the birth of a baby. I think Naomi believed she could control her emotions and that everything would carry on as normal, but it didn’t. At least, it didn’t for her.”

He opened and closed his hands several times as he talked. “Naomi and I met in 1988, two years after you were born. I was working in a little bookshop in Pitlochry and she came in, wearing the prettiest candy-pink summer dress. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She told me she was on a weekend break with her mother and started asking about Sylvia Plath, but I couldn’t concentrate.” Trevor’s face was wistful. “I was too busy looking at her.”

He appeared lost in happy thoughts for a few moments. Then he spoke again. “I’d always wanted to open up my own bookshop and so when we married, we eventually ended up moving here to Naomi’s hometown, and then in 1993 we bought Book Ends.”

Trevor said soon after they began dating, Naomi told him about the death of Cormac and having Tobias. “She assured me she’d be able to stay detached, that she had assumed the role of your auntie and could handle the fact she was your biological mother. But as time went on, Naomi said she realised she’d made a terrible mistake.”

Caroline blanched beside him and dropped her gaze.

Trevor carried on. “Naomi wanted you back. I think us having Tamsin made her maternal feelings for you even stronger. She said when you were older, she was going to tell you that she was your mother.” He leant further forward, still knotting his fingers together. “It started to cause so much tension between the four of us. Naomi was back and she started hanging around Caroline and Bernard more and more, so that she could see you and spend time with you.” Trevor gave me a look. “Naomi would find any excuse she could. I can understand it. You reminded her so much of Cormac.”

Caroline nodded in agreement. “You’re his double, with the same curly hair. He was tall and handsome too.”

Tobias scratched his stubbled chin, but his voice wasn’t as brittle. “Sounds like something from Jeremy Kyle. Oh, I am proud!”

“It wasn’t like that,” snapped Trevor. “You make it sound like some seedy transaction.” Trevor sank his weary head back against the chair. He stared upwards for a few moments. “You deserved a stable, settled life, Tobias, and Caroline and Bernard wanted to give you that. Naomi wanted to, but she couldn’t. Not then.”

Caroline’s expression was pleading as she stared across at her son. “I couldn’t lose you, darling. That’s why so much awkwardness developed between the four of us.” Her eyes shone at the memory. “I wasn’t prepared to give you up. You were – are – my son. That’s why Dad and I decided we had no option but to keep Naomi at arm’s length.”

Tobias eyed us, his mind whirring. “So that’s why we moved away from Bracken Way to the south side when I was a kid? I liked it here. I had to leave all my friends.”

Caroline rubbed at her eyes.

“I wondered why we just upped and left like that. You told me at the time it was because of work opportunities for Dad.” Tobias ground his jaw. “But that was a lie. It was just to suit you then?”

Caroline stared in horror. “I was desperate for a child. I was desperate to be a mother to you and I knew Naomi was regretting giving you up. I was terrified. I couldn’t lose you.”

Tobias lounged back in his chair. “Sounds to me like you were all so desperate to get what you wanted, rather than give any consideration to me.”

Tobias’s expression was grim. He jumped to his feet. I could see thoughts swirling through his anguished eyes. He let out a grunt. “This explains everything. That’s why you changed your mind about helping me relocate my gallery.” Tobias’s face bore down. “So, what was it?” he directed at Trevor. “Family guilt?”

“It’s what Naomi would have wanted,” insisted Trevor. “I’ll be honest. I did get a shock when I saw you in Bracken Way a few weeks ago. It brought everything flooding back.” Trevor coloured. “Seeing you was a reminder of so many things; it reminded me of Naomi and what I’ve lost, the pain and regret she went through after she surrendered you to Caroline and Bernard.” Trevor faltered for a moment. “But what Caroline said made sense. We should’ve been honest with you years ago, Tobias. Naomi would’ve wanted me to help you find a location for your new gallery.” He pushed on, as Tobias’s dark brows knitted together. “She wanted to keep a connection to you. That’s why she insisted you get a stake in the shop.” Trevor indicated to Caroline. “When your mum—”

Tobias cut Trevor off with a hollow laugh that rang around the bookshop office. “But as it turns out, she isn’t my mother, is she?” He glowered at the two of them.

Caroline’s face was etched in panic at the sight of Tobias beginning to stride away. “What are you doing? Please, sweetheart. Don’t leave.”

“If you think I’m going to stay here a minute longer than I have to, you’re deluded.”

Trevor moved to speak again, but Tobias ignored him. He swung round to me and tried to stem his anger. The pain in his eyes stabbed at me. “I’m sorry about all this, Lexie.”

Worry for him coursed through me. “No. Please don’t apologise, Tobias. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”

But he was already walking out of the office.

Caroline’s face crumpled and Trevor swiped off his spectacles and rubbed his eyes. “We should’ve told him years ago,” choked Caroline. “Naomi was right. I’ve been so stupid. When he found those letters I panicked.”

“The four of us were stupid,” sighed Trevor. “I was the one who kept telling Naomi not to say anything to Tobias. I insisted that if she did, there was every chance she’d never see him again. I warned her that you and Bernard might sell up and even take him abroad. Glasgow was a world away as it was.”

Trevor turned to me, his long, sombre face etched with guilt. “I know it might not sound like it, but we all wanted what was best for Tobias.” He threw his hands up into the air in a helpless gesture.