Page 10 of End Of Never

“This is going to be the longest year ever.” Hayden throws on his sweatshirt as we step out of our new home.

“So, what did you do to get in this shit hole?” Hayden's voice is deep; he stands about two feet taller than me, and I’m not a petite guy.

“Two DWIs in six months… my dad found pot, pills, on multiple occasions, and finally got tired of my shit, I guess. You?” He nods in understanding.

“Same. Bad road, surrounded by bad friends, had a pyro stage, set a building on fire, tried to run but got caught, and here I am.” He says it so nonchalantly, and I get it entirely.

Getting into the cafeteria, it’s how you imagine it would be. Tables in rows; all guys are wearing the same uniform and acting like robots. Now I, too, am part of this clan.

The food is as I expected it to be–shit–but who am I to complain? I’m here because of my actions. I know my mom was the reason I remained home for as long as I did. She always vouched for my good graces. She believed my lies when I said I was going to change.

Those good graces were seldom, and the promises I made never stuck.

My actions told more than my words, and now I’m here.

Chapter 9

Lilla

Age 18

Over a year has passed since the night I gave it away to a boy who left without looking back. I don’t remember what happened; all I remember was our conversation, the way he told me I deserved more, I was too pretty to jump, and not only saving me once that night, but twice. I remember asking him to make me forget, and the way his hard body felt pressed against mine… the rest is a blur. All I know is I woke up shirtless and in my underwear, alone.

He left me looking like the girl who stole Ava’s boyfriend; he promised he’d be here to protect me, and he lied. He left me with his mess, with the fire he created when he chose me over her. He should have chosen her. Maybe then I’d be a different person. Instead, I’m jaded; I carry a hatred for him, resentment that he got to leave while I had to stay. I hate him for leaving me, for hurting me, and ultimately, I hate him for saving me.

After that night, you could say I spiraled, hard. Alcohol and drugs became my escape; it fogged my mind, making me feel free from the thoughts that tortured me. The ones that were on a constant loop; I am unlovable, a mistake, a waste of good air, all the things I heard as my parents fought.

For six months, drugs were my sanctuary. They numbed me from the reality of my life, the hurt Ava placed on me, the hurt everyone made me feel; it was gone and lost in the white powder that promised me peace. The nightmares stopped, my once loud bedroom became still, and there were no longer dancing shadows that taunted me with truths. It was silent, and when the pills and powder hit, my eyes rolled back, and slept as I’ve never had taken over.

Haley and I had a falling out when her mom said, ‘I was no longer a good influence.’ I remember it like it was yesterday.

Haley drops me off at home, running to the front door, I hear her car door open, “Lilla, did you take my money out of my car? You’re the only one who’s been in it.” My eyes dart back and forth, fighting with myself to be honest, or to walk my usual path and lie.

“No.” I turn, needing nothing more than the promise and escape of the white powder tucked in my pocket that now replaces the money I stole. Running through my house, I don’t even make it fully through the door before I’m pulling the baggie filled with my escape. Pouring it on the kitchen island, I get out the platinum credit card and form the perfect line. I laugh to myself, because this card was supposed to buy love, and these days, love looks a lot like white lines and empty bottles ending in bittersweet nothingness. Just as I go to fulfill my need, the front door flies open, and in comes Haley, fuming. She pushes me away from my stash, ripping the card from my hand.

“You stole my money for drugs!?” She looks at the credit card with white residue on the bottom. “Seriously?” She holds up the card.

I can’t help but laugh, “Yup, they said, use it, and I am, to make the perfect line. As for your money… I needed to pay my dealer, and I thought you wouldn’t mind helping me out.” Haley shakes her head as her face turns red, and her breath becomes hot and heavy with anger.

“This has got to stop.” Dropping my head back, I look at the ceiling.

“Yeah, not gonna happen, if you're done trying to be my mother, you can leave, just like the real one.” I sit in the chair, waiting for her to leave so I can get my fix.

She slams the card down on the island–hard–“fuck you, Lilla. All I have done is try to help you, to guide you, to be here for yo—”

I cut her off, “Stop! I. Don’t. Want. Your. Help.” I stand up, “What I want is for you to leave. I didn’t ask for your help or a stand-in mother.” To be honest, I just want her to go; she’s in my way, forcing me to stay trapped in a reality I don’t want to be a part of.

Tears fill her eyes, and as she walks out, I yell, “If anyone asks, I won’t tell them you took me to my drug dealer.” Haley turns, tears streaming down her face, and I smile, bending down, snorting my line, just as she turns and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

So, Haley’s mom was right, I wasn’t a good influence, I wasn’t even a good friend. I wanted to float, and the only way to do that without jumping off that damn metal bridge was to use the very thing that numbed every part of my broken and abandoned heart. So I did. For six months, I lived life alone, high or drunk; there was no in between, and Haley was gone. She was the only light, and once she was gone, it got dark, darker than I could have imagined.

I was going off the rails, spiraling into the very place I promised I’d never fall–

I look in the mirror with smudged mascara and a new scent that isn’t mine. I panic, sex hurts, it isn't enjoyable; I was drunk and needed a distraction, anything to take me out of this unruly reality. I realize the person looking back at me was my mother.

Who am I? Addicted to anything that gives my mind freedom. I let it tease me with desire, with promises of more, until I destroyed everything good in my life. There was nothing the drink and the drugs could give me; they didn’t bring happiness; they guaranteed a crash. They didn’t provide me with sanctuary; they destroyed it.

I need help, and I’m ready. I head to Haley's house, not for Haley but for her parents. I need guidance, I need someone to hold me accountable, and I have no one. Knocking on the door, my heart races. I know I don’t deserve their help, but I’m desperate.