Page 11 of End Of Never

Haley’s mom answers the door. Before she says anything, she opens her arms and hugs me. Relief is all I feel; her hug wraps me in a blanket of hope, and I cling on, grabbing for dear life. She holds me up as my knees give out, and I fall into her safety.

“I’m so sorry. I am so very sorry. I’m sorry for being a shitty friend, a bad person, and for putting Haley in bad situations. I’m sorry for all of it.” I choke on my tears, on the sobs that come out after each apology.

“If you’re ready, we are here, honey, but it isn’t going to be easy, and I will only offer my home and my family once. Because I have to think about them too, and while I want to help you, I can’t do that at the expense of Haley,” her voice is soft, but her notions are firm. She pauses, letting her words sink in. I understand this is how a parent should be. “So, yes. I will help you, I will guide you, but only if you give this all you've got, and then some. There will be rules, a lot of rules, and it won’t be easy.” She looks me deep in the eyes, and I agree, I have never been more willing to save myself, my friendship, and my reputation.

I give her a head nod, “I’m ready, and I promise.”

Waiting for Haley to come home, I lie on Haley’s bed, and I think about everything I want to tell her; all the words I know I need to say are right there. As I talk myself through each apology, the door slowly opens. She stands there, with sadness wringing her dull eyes as they trace over me, as if I’m a ghost, in nothing but the shell of her once best friend. The quiet broke my heart. Never have we been in the same room, the same space, and been quiet. “Haley.” She shakes her head as my words fall.

“No, Lills. Just—let’s not do the apology thing. You’re here now, and I forgive you.” That was it. She stood there, after everything I had done, and she forgave me, without a second thought. To be honest, that made me feel even more like shit.

Reaching for her hands, I hold her, finding her eyes, as mine dart between hers, begging to find the light that once lit in them when she saw me, “Haley. I promise to earn back the right to be your best friend again. I promise to fight like hell, because my love is stronger, my want and my need for this is more than my addiction. Please don’t give up on me.”

Her love was stronger than her anger, and my addiction was no longer stronger than my love.

From then on, Haley never left my side. After withdrawals that consisted of mood swings, appetite changes, and a lot of hard days, I made it, now clean and sober, and alive. I wouldn’t be here without her family. I owe them my life, and I will be the best person I can be in this life, because they risked a hell of a lot to save me. I regained control. Now I strive for a better tomorrow and never to be like my mother again.

Today is graduation day, the day we say goodbye to our classmates, to who we were in high school, and hello to who we want to become. As we each walked off the stage, we step into a new beginning, a new world, with a blank canvas. As the principal declared us graduates, we watched the crowd roar with happiness, clapping, crying, and cheering that we had made it. When the truth was, some of us didn’t think we would.

Everyone runs to their families, but a year later, I still didn’t have one. My parents never came back, and the credit card limit kept rising with each month they were gone. No calls or texts, making sure I was alive, as long as charges were on the card, they must have thought I was fine. I wasn’t until now.

I walk over with Haley and her family, who warmly embrace me and congratulate me on graduating with honors. I did it. I didn’t make valedictorian because my slip was a slope that I slid too far down, but I made honors.

Now it’s time to grow into a better person with a bright future, because that is exactly what my parents never expected of me.

Now it’s time to find out who Lilla Lane will be.

Chapter 10

Jace

Age 19

It’s been a year since my parents shipped me off to boarding school. It was the best thing my dad could have done. In one year, I’ve shifted from a boy to a man. I’ve grown academically, physically, and in knowledge and self-control.

Hayden and I attended a ‘get to know you’ group. I thought it was a group to get to know other classmates, but it was a group to understand better who you are as a person and why you are here. Who were you then, and who do you want to be? At first, I was pissed. I was a kid who was having a good time, embracing life in what I thought was the best way. What I learned is that I was wrong; it was mediocre. It was three DUIs for a moment of thrill, sex for the release, but never love; it was always about chasing the high, until it came crashing down.

I’ll never forget the look on my dad’s face. Complete disappointment tore through him, and all I could do was sit there. I couldn’t take back what I’d done; it was pointless to beat around the bush any longer. I would never change. I was comfortable, and why? Why was it so easy to continue with this behavior when my parents did nothing but support me? I didn’t come from a shit home where I was suppressing my anger, nor was I running from a horrible life. I had no excuse for my actions; I was an addict, just as my dad said. I had a problem.

During the group, I not only learned about myself but also about others. Today was the first day Hayden opened up about why he was here, who he had been before this place, and who he wanted to be afterward. “I’m Hayden, but, uh, most of you know that.” He laughs, leaning forward, placing his forearms on his thighs, “I’m here for a lot of reasons. But, mainly, I’m here because I started a fire and burned down a building.” He clears his throat, making eye contact with me, before dropping his gaze and continuing, What he just shared is all I knew, now he finally lets go of the rest, “my mom passed away in a fire when I was seventeen, they got me out, but, they couldn’t get to her, the fire was just too big. I convinced myself that if I could start a fire and put it out, I could have saved her. If I had just known what to do, or been faster, or…” He pauses, silence weighing in, “But I couldn't stop it, I couldn’t control it, just like I couldn’t back then. The fire I started refused to go out. When the building went up in flames, I tried to run, but I was caught. I burnt down seven buildings, trying to put out one that didn’t even exist anymore. On the seventh attempt, I got caught; I got sloppy, tired of trying to command something out of my control. Looking back, I keep thinking, what if someone had been in there?” He leans back in his chair, running his hand over his short, stubbed hair.

The teacher stands, “What ifs are like fire, Hayden. They spread, grabbing onto anything in their path. What-ifs will make your mind believe there was someone in there, but there wasn't; this we know as fact. What have you learned thus far being here?” Hayden’s eyes are shining in the light. We watch as he swallows hard.

“I learned I didn’t kill my mother. I learned that no matter how many fires I start or put out, they won't bring her back. More importantly, I realized I could save those in the same situation we were in, but in the right way. You keep asking us who we are going to be. I’m going to be a firefighter. All I want to do is save people from the loss I suffered, from the pain I endured.” The guys around the room clap, offering their sympathies and praises for his growth, but a clap for me isn't enough. I’ve been with him for over a year, and I never knew how deep his scars went.

Standing up, I make my way over to him, and he stands, knowing I’m a fucking sap, and comes in for a hug. I give him a pat on his back, “You’re already a fighter, man. Fire’s got nothing on you.”

This is the thing, isn’t it, life? Here we are, surrounded by people every day, and we never know what someone is going through. We never truly know the extent of someone's sorrow, pain, or gratitude until it’s put in your face, in big, bold letters. Why can’t we truly see someone for who they are? I want to see people, like really see them. I want to see more than just face value. I want to read someone like a picture book, all their colors, the light and the dark, and everything in between. In this very moment, I knew exactly who I was going to be.

The following week, everyone gets ready for Family Day.

Today, families can visit; they can bring items ‘academy-approved’ and check in on our growth. Hayden and I reach the lobby, and there is his dad, standing front and center, awaiting his arrival. They embrace one another, and all I think is how much lighter Hayden must feel.

Behind him, my parents stand. When my mom sees me, she runs up, throwing her arms around me and squeezing like she didn’t see me just last week. It took a long time to get here, the weekly visits, the two nights out during the week, as long as I always made curfew and passed drug tests. It wasn’t an easy road, but I’m here.

“Hey, Sweetie,” my mom holds me tighter before letting go, giving my dad a chance to hug me.

“Hey, Son, how are ya?” We pick a table to sit at, and I just let it all out.