Page 22 of End Of Never

“That is so sweet.” I watch as Jace’s face shifts, sadness overcomes his eyes, and they drop. He lifts his cheek just a little, like he’s wincing in pain.

He turns back around, clearing his throat. “You’ve changed, haven’t you?” In that moment, I’m regrounded into the truth, the heartbreaking reality.

I look over at Zeus, who is finally giving me what I need to get the hell out of here. I turn to Jace, looking him dead in his slate eyes, hoping like hell all he sees in mine is betrayal. “Yeah, I have. A lot has happened in eight years, Jace.” That was the first time I’ve called him his name, and it burned like acid. I turn around, heading down the stairs.

After looking at his stool, I head back upstairs, passing Jace, who sits in the same spot I left him. “He has a tapeworm, more than likely from eating a dead animal in the yard. I’ll order him some meds that will kill the tapeworm.” I turn and head inside, ready to get the hell out of here.

Jace quickly stands up, chasing me inside. “Wait, Lil, I made coffee or tea, or I have water, want some?” Just before the first stair, I turn around, glaring at him.

“It’s Lilla. And I’m not here for coffee or tea, Jace. I’m not here to catch up and fill you in on everything you ran from. Your guilt isn’t my problem. I came for your dog; lucky for you, I do what I say I’ll do. Tomorrow, instead of running away, I’ll do as I promised and get his meds.” I run down the carpeted steps and slam the door on my way out.

Sliding into my SUV, my heart is racing with rage. Stay for fucking tea, are you kidding me? It wasn’t that I needed saving. I didn’t want him to stay to save me from the mean girls at school; I wanted him to stay because, for the first time in my life, I felt seen. He looked at me like I could be anything I wanted to be, like I could be anyone. He didn't have expectations for me or stipulations; I was just a girl who intrigued him, just as I was.

Starting my car, I crank the volume, drowning out the memories of him, the way he made me feel, and the aftermath he left me. Only the music doesn’t work; it lights the fire seething within. Seeing him reminds me of everything I’ve tried so hard to forget.

“Eww, look at her, the lying little slut. Everyone! Everyone! Listen up! Keep your boyfriend close, because this whore here will scoop him up with her poor me, my daddy doesn't love me, and my mommy doesn't want me’ sob story.”

“Aw, is the little whore crying? I heard she has an STD, probably got it from the janitor's closet, where she pays the boys for attention.”

Kick to the face. “Man stealer.” Kick to the stomach. “Whore.” Kick to the face, again. “Worthless piece of shit. I had him first; he belonged with me.” Kick.“Eww, she bled on my shoe, now I have to throw these away, I don’t want whatever diseases she has.”

“No wonder he ran away, you probably gave him something he couldn’t get rid of. I wouldn’t want to come back to you either. Just like your mommy and daddy, pathetic Lilla, can’t get anyone to want you, or love you.”

Pulling into my driveway, I can feel tears stream down my face. I park and punch the steering wheel. Ugghhhh, I want to scream, I want to hit someone, something, I want to break. Taking a deep breath, I run inside, quietly trying not to wake up Haley. Grabbing my gym bag, I run back out, jump in my car, and head to the gym. The only place that frees me from these thoughts, these memories, these horrors.

Getting into the gym, it’s empty. Perfect. Throwing on my headphones, I waste no time, jumping right in. Heading to the back, I throw my bag down, slide on my boxing wraps and gloves, and take out every thought, every frustration, on the bag. Fuck you for coming back here. Throwing punch after punch, I circle the bag like it’s my prey, releasing all my tension, throwing myself into the bag. I hate you. I throw a roundhouse kick to the bag and begin punching the bag, hard, without mercy. This is my town. Left hook, right hook, uppercut, my life. Jab. I punch it until my hands are numb and I’m completely out of breath, sending one last fist through the air. I turn around and lean against the bag, begging it to hold me up. I rip off my headphones, place them around my neck, and chug my water, replenishing the fuel I just burned through.

“Damn girl, I would hate to be the one who pissed you off.” Turning around, Hayden is staring at me with surprise in his eyes. “You got some good shots.” He nods towards the bag that I just destroyed.

I chuckle, “Yup. Sorry you had to witness eight years of frustration.” Hayden sits on the bench next to me.

“Does frustration start with a J?” He looks up from his folded hands, and all I do is nod. “I don’t know who he was, or what he did. All I know is who he became, and he’s a good man.” Shaking my head, I turn to him, looking into his deep charcoal eyes, and I see it, his truth. “When I met him, he told me he did some bad shit, and I’m not condoning any behavior he had, or the things he did. All I’m saying is, people, change. Maybe hold back some punches?”

I shake my head, smiling at him, “Not gonna happen. I like you, Hayden. I don’t know you, but I can see how much you care for him, and everyone needs someone who cares. Trust me.” I get up, throw my bag over my shoulder, and head towards the door.

“Don’t give up on him, Lilla!” His deep voice echoes on the walls.

Turning around, I see the hope in his eyes, “He gave up on me.” I push open the gym doors, crushing his hope, and letting the June heat hit my face.

It’s been two weeks since I saw Hayden in the gym, since I lost my shit on the bag and played rock music so loud that their words became my therapist.

When Zeus’s meds came in, I had him come pick them up, once I was already gone for the day, because I do not want to see him, ever again; it’s too painful.

But, today is Saturday… the day I walk Teddy… I want to call his parents and simply quit, let them know I can’t do this anymore. But, I can’t. They have been loyal clients since I opened. They trust me in their home and with their sweet baby. I’m going to do as I have always done, I am going to figure it out, I am going to choke my feelings out, smother them with vitriol, silently. I am going to grow up, be an adult, do my job, in my town, with my people.

My entire life, I stood silent. I did things I didn’t want to. I behaved as everyone else expected me to. Everything I did was to appease someone else; my life wasn’t mine.

I did well in school, so my dad would see me as smart.

I dressed my best, so my mother would think I was worthy and beautiful.

I went to parties because Haley needed a wing girl, a DD, or simply her best friend.

I never fought back because I didn’t want to hurt anyone, all while everyone was hurting me.

I learned to be the doormat I so eagerly hated. I became someone I hated. To drown her out, I drowned her in alcohol and drugs. I chased the fog that altered my mind, and in doing that, I lost myself and the only person who ever loved me, Haley.

Now, I am unselfishly me. I am loud because I have a voice. I am strong because I am worthy, and I will not be bullied into forgiving a man who left, who made me the bad guy for two years. Who made my life, which was already hell, an inferno.