Page 7 of End Of Never

“Don’t jump.” A deep voice startles me from my daze. I turn to look at the person who interrupted my spiraling thoughts; instead of stopping, he keeps going.

“I wasn’t going to!” I holler at him. Not today.

“You were thinking about it!” The tall figure, fading away into the darkness, yells back.

Taking a step closer, I squeal at his back, “I was thinking about floating with the sticks, actually, not jumping!”

He turns swiftly at the corner of the bridge, and the nightfall wraps him up, hiding him from my eyes. He shouts back, “You’re too pretty to be floating with sticks.” He turns and walks away, leaving his voice engraved in my thoughts and pulling at the possibility that I could be enough for someone. Anyone.

I just want to be enough.

Running back home, I grab my brand-new Nokia phone— a gift because my parents won’t be back for graduation— and call Haley, filling her in on everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. Of course, she’s pissed for me, and her thought process is right in line with mine. Get drunk and party. I want to feel free, to feel released from the chains that weigh me down. Have you ever been unloved by the people who were supposed to love you most? Have you ever been bullied so badly that you actually believe the words they harass you with? I have. I have been broken down my entire life, and even when I feel like I can’t take another day of being a walking disappointment, I don’t quit. No matter how badly I want to, I fight.

I fight for myself because no one else will.

At the end of the day, I am all I have.

Haley pulls up an hour later. I wore my most expensive outfit. I opted for my designer jeans, rhinestones cover the back pockets, making my ass flashy. My shirt is a Chanel quilted half-tank; it’s bright orange, contrasting with my dark, straight hair that falls down my back. Sliding into her car, the Backstreet Boys play loudly as I open the door. “Hey girl, you look HOT.” Haley leans forward, turning up the music; we belt ‘Tell me why’ at the top of our lungs as we drive to the back of a neighborhood I’ve never been to.

Strolling into the house, we weave through the crowd, making our way to the kitchen for drinks. I grab two cups and begin pouring a generous shot of vodka, making Haley laugh. We hold up our cups, both laughing as we say our most famous line, “Don’t let assholes win.” Then we chug the shot, letting it burn until it erases every trace of frustration, replacing it with a fire that makes us beg for more, and we give in to its temptation.

I don’t know what time it is or how long we’ve been here. All I know is I’m feeling good, and I’m a beer pong champion. I learned that while I can’t chug beer, I can sure as shit chug vodka. While Haley and I played game after game, my eyes kept wandering to the corner where Ava stood wrapped in his arms. Every time my eyes would drift over, he was looking at me, watching me. I wanted him to watch me; I wanted him to want me, the way my body so badly craved his.

When the music changed, Young Joc began singing It’s Goin’ Down. Immediately, Haley and I were on the makeshift dance floor. We start to grind together, making our bodies one as we dance. My back pressed against Haley as she grinds against me, belting her heart out, gliding with me to the music. Bending down, I grab my knees, working myself back. When I look to the side, I see him watching me; his lips press together tightly as he watches my body move with hers. I turn to face Haley, whispering in her ear. When she looks over my shoulder, she grabs my face, her lips damn near touching mine, “Let me help you set the hook.” She holds the back of my hair, pulling my face into hers, and kisses me. My lips glide against hers, tasting her cherry-red lipstick. We kiss in sync, our tongues dancing to the music, as the alcohol flows through our blood.

The guy Haley was hanging out with tonight comes over, stealing her away from me. She giggles, wrapping her arm around his neck. She starts swaying against him as she winks at me.

She laughs as she throws her head back, “Don’t be jealous, baby, everyone has to share me with my best friend.” I smile at her, winking back, because I love her so damn much.

Haley nods at me, then follows the guy upstairs, leaving me on the dance floor. Just when I’m about to exit, two hands wrap around my waist, pulling me in.

“Ready for me to show you what you're missing.” Jeff’s cocky voice whispers into my ears. Honestly, I could use a release, and Haley does it all the time. Why shouldn’t I? I’m young; it’s my time to live my life.

I deserve love, too.

I turn to Jeff, wrapping my arms around his neck, pushing myself against his already hardening length. “Better be good, because I’m not looking to be disappointed tonight.” He smirks, then takes my hand, guiding me to the staircase. Looking back, I see Ava and her man both looking at me, sending a quick smile. I follow Jeff upstairs.

Stepping into the room, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, and my mind is spiraling. I always wanted this moment to be perfect, to be with someone who truly loved me, funny, when I don’t know what that even feels like; to be loved. Yet, I crave the feeling, all while knowing it isn’t in the cards for me.

Jeff swoops me off my feet, taking me to the bed, before gently laying me down. “I’ve been waiting for this.” He kisses my neck as his fingers slide up my shirt. “Let me see what you’ve been tempting me with, sweet thing.” He starts undressing me, removing my shirt first, exposing my bare stomach, his short facial hair gliding against the barrier where my pants meet my skin, as he pops the buttons eagerly. My heart races as he slides my jeans down my legs, leaving me in only my bra and underwear. I brought him up here; I wanted this. My mind tries to talk me out of giving myself to him, I remind myself, he’s the only one who wants me, even if it is just for sex. I just want to be wanted, even if it‘s only for a minute–here he is sliding his hands around my exposed body, kissing every inch, praising it. “So sexy, Lilla.” His deep voice growls as the heat of his breath trails between my thighs. The soft words make me feel seen, his touch makes my skin vibrate with anticipation. His finger loops into the top of my underwear, and just when I think he’s going to pull them down, the door swings open.

I startle, quickly lifting my leg to hide my barren body as Ava struts in, her posse trailing behind her. Jeff jumps off me, and Ava starts clapping. What the fuck is this? I sit up, shielding myself from their eyes.

“Well done, Jeff. Didn’t think you could get her so easily. What a whore.” Ava pulls out her phone, because of course she's got a handheld with a built-in camera, aiming it at me, trying to capture my moment of weakness. Tears stream down my cheeks, with no way of holding them back. A rush of anxiety rushes through me, my breath becomes labored, and my skin begins to burn in all the places he touched. This was a trap. He… he did this for her… to hurt me… Just as the camera flashes, it rips me from my growing thoughts, and I watch as her phone flies out of her hands.

“Jace! What the fuck!” She yells at him, her grand prize.

He scrolls through her phone, his fingers pushing buttons intensely, then he chucks it at the wall, cracking it on contact. I jump as the phone ricochets off the wall, and all of her friends start backing out of the room. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were just a bitch, but this, this is fucking evil.” He stalks over to Jeff, who is backing up towards the wall. My mind tells me to look at the bastard who brought me up here, but my heart begs me not to. The one time I do something I want, it blows up in my face, the one time I free myself from the awful thoughts, something happens to remind me, they are true. My mind wins over my heart, like always, when my reddened eyes find his; he looks enthused.

“I didn’t touch her, man. I undressed her and kissed her, that’s all.” He lifts his hands as if the truth is written on his palms.

“That’s all?” Jace lunges for him, punching him right in the face, sending blood shooting out of his nose. Not so funny now, dick. “You took her up here knowing this was Ava’s plan. You set her up!” He smiles, laughing in Jace’s face as blood drips down his face.

I watch as Jace balls his fists once more, sending them into his face, once again. “Get the fuck out, all of you!” His yell startles everyone, and they all file out, all but Ava.

“Come on, Jace, she isn’t worth it, you said so yourself… Let’s get out of here.” I watch with tears in my eyes as he marches to Ava, who is standing in the doorway.

His chest rises and falls as he backs her up out of the room, “No, you have it so very wrong. You aren’t worth it. Whatever we are, we’re done. Get the fuck out.” He slams the door in her face.