Page 36 of A Daring Desire

“This is your home.”

She shook her head. “No. I wanted it to be. I wanted it so very much. Too much. But I’ve been a fool, as you’ve told me so many times.”

“So that’s it,” he said, the words emotionless. “You finally give up?”

“Yes,” she said, her heart sitting heavily in her chest like something cold and dead.

She heard the door open. “Cat, your maid is packing a portmanteau and readying herself to leave. Your housekeeper will send the rest on after,” Perry said, coming back into the room. “Is there anything else?”

Cat shook her head. “Whatever you think, Perry,” she said, her voice sounding far off. It felt like she was caught in a nightmare and could not find her way out. But she would, she reasoned. Eventually she would be free of it, of him.

“I’ll organise a foot warmer and some furs. It’s perishing cold. Shall I come with you?”

Cat shook her head. “No, but I thank you, Perry. Your mama will be after us both if you did such a wicked thing as abandon her on Christmas Day. I expect she’s waiting for you.”

“She is, but that doesn’t signify if you need me?”

“I’ll be fine. Please hurry the coachman, though,” Cat said, struggling to hold on to this semblance of icy calm.

Perry hurried off again and, though she did not look at him directly, Kilbane stood silently, his dark presence pressed down upon her, filling the room and taking up all the air.

“Catherine, I’m… I’m sorry, I—”

“I know,” she said, bitter laughter behind the words. “It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, not in the least. It was all me. I know it was. I thought I knew what was best for you, but I was just pushing and pushing, wasn’t I?”

“It is my fault,” he said, and she thought she heard regret behind the words, but he spoke too quietly, and she had no time to listen to a half-hearted apology.

She was made of broken pieces and if she did not get herself away from him quickly, she would shatter and lose what remained of her dignity.

“No.” She shook her head. “You told me once not to play games with you, that I would not enjoy losing. Well, and so I don’t, but I shall be gracious in defeat, at least.”

Cat steeled herself to turn and face him, moving towards him and holding out her hand. She still avoided his eyes, focusing instead on the simple jet cravat pin nestled in the folds of the white linen at his throat.

He took her hand, holding it between both of his. “Don’t go.”

Cat’s heart gave an uneven skip in her chest. That had sounded sincere. She swallowed, telling herself not to be a fool for him any longer. “It’s for the best,” she said.

“For you, certainly,” he agreed, his voice soft now. “But… But not for me. Please. Don’t go.”

Her poor heart, shattered and bruised so grievously, lurched in her chest and her eyes flew to his.

There it was. Emotion. Unguarded and raw, shining in his eyes. Her breath caught, and she almost ran into his arms, there and then, but she checked herself.

“Why?” she demanded, for she had been hurt too deeply and too often to look at him without suspicion now.

He swallowed, looking uneasy. “Because I… I don’t want you to go. Besides, it’s cold and… and it’s Christmas.”

“Much you care for that,” she said with a short laugh, though hope had flickered to life again, frail and insubstantial, but a living thing all the same.

“Don’t go,” he said again, more urgently this time.

“Give me a good reason,” she countered, staring up at him.

He opened and closed his mouth, something like panic in his eyes. Her heart went out to him, and it would have been so easy to do as he asked, to give him everything as she had been ready to do for so very long, but… but if she did now, he would have risked nothing, whilst she had risked everything. With a sudden burst of clarity, she knew she must make him earn the love she had offered him so easily, after so many years of rejection. Not to punish him, but to teach him the value of what she was offering. If she wanted him, wanted the kind of life she had always dreamed of with him, he would need to learn what it meant to care for someone, to love. She had tried to show him, but she did not know how much her love for him had penetrated his thick skull. Perhaps it was time she found out. If he was truly willing to try with her, if he really wanted her to stay and was not just playing dog in a manger because he thought Perry wanted her, then he could prove it.

“No,” she said dryly. “I didn’t think so.”

She tugged free of his grasp and walked to the door.