Page 88 of The Trip of a Lifetime

‘I have regrets too,’ Erin said. ‘And I think it’s a defence mechanism, you know. Me not talking about her, I mean. If I think that she wasn’t the best mum, then I won’t miss her that much, which is easier to cope with, but it’s not true. I miss her all the time. And the thing is, I keep wondering where she is. I don’t mean is there a heaven or anything like that but really, where is my mum? How can she have just disappeared? I think it’s why I’ve been so reluctant to scatter her ashes because it’s literally all we have left of her. But that’s selfish, isn’t it? Mum would absolutely hate to be stuck in a box.’

‘Yes, love, I think she would. But it’s so important to scatter them at the right time. There is no rush and no pressure. I’m sorry if I made you feel as if there was. You don’t want to say goodbye before you’re ready, I can see that.’

Martha pulled Erin in close and hugged her tightly.

‘When you talk about her it just makes me realise how little I bothered to get to know her. I know you want to remember her and keep her alive in everyone’s hearts, but I find it difficult to hear,’ Erin said.

‘She’ll never be gone if we keep talking about her. If we don’t, then she really does disappear,’ Martha said. ‘It’s up to us to do that because no one else will.’

‘It’s so hard,’ Erin said.

‘It gets easier. And then you have a little wobble, like I just did. Then you take a breath and carry on.’

Erin gently pulled away and took a breath.

‘When we get back we should do it, Nana. We should say goodbye and get that bench made. I think it’s time, and then maybe I can start remembering her in a better way.’

‘I think that sounds like a good idea,’ said Martha.

‘But right now, I think we have to get moving,’ Erin said, looking over her shoulder into the car park. There were other cars pulling up now. She grabbed her rucksack and hoisted it onto her back, and then they both took off at a run to the bottom of the steps.

They had to slow to a walking pace the further up the steps they got. Martha was struggling and Erin couldn’t run on without her.

‘I’m fine now, Erin,’ Martha said. ‘I mean, I’m exhausted and sweaty but I’m fine. I’m sorry, love. I lost it for a bit back there.’

‘Me too, but we’re good. We’re together and we’re good,’ Erin said. ‘And we can order another copy of the book, maybe get one sent from the gift shop, the same as the one Cally bought you.’

‘No, it doesn’t matter, not really. I made a connection that wasn’t there. I’m okay now, I promise.’

39

MARTHA

The sweat was running down my back and I could feel it disappearing into my underwear, but after weeks of generally feeling uncomfortable – a combination of being a bit sweaty or a bit cold, a bit hungry and a lot tired – I didn’t care, I’d become immune. The finish line was in sight and that was all I could see now. Erin ran up the steps beside me, letting out little puffs of air through her mouth in time with the pace of her trainers hitting the ground.

Cape Spear Lighthouse was in front of us and then nothing but thousands of miles of the Atlantic Ocean.

‘Come on then, Erin,’ I called out. ‘We can do this.’

‘Almost there, Nana,’ she said.

‘How many times! For goodness’ sake, call me Martha,’ I said with a smile, keen to lighten the mood after our car park emotions.

‘Save your energy. You can tell me off later,’ Erin panted and reached for my hand. We took the last ten steps together and then we were at the top, onto a gravel path with the final checkpoint almost in reaching distance. I could see there were twenty more steps up to the lighthouse itself. I wouldn’t be running up those, that was for sure. I had nothing left to give as we stepped forward for the last time in this race. I was feeling emotional still. My chest was heaving with the effort of running uphill but my heart was full of everything we had been through over the last weeks. Whatever happened now, we would always have this incredible experience. We were doing this for my daughter, we were doing this for Erin’s mother, we were doing this in memory of Clare, but most of all we were doing it for ourselves.

Erin already had my hand as we reached the bottom of those last steps. We were ready to find out if we had won the race, to see if we had come first on this trip of a lifetime.

‘Hello, ladies.’

I spun round to see Harrison and Sam right behind us. There were maybe ten metres between us and the steps to the lighthouse, and there was a moment when I thought the men were going to push past us to get to the top.

I stared at Harrison and he stared at me and we were locked into each other. All manner of unsaid words passed between us and I saw love in those eyes. Love and possibility.

‘GO!’ shouted Noah. ‘What are you playing at?’

I glanced at Erin and she had walked back and now had hold of Sam’s hand. They obviously had their own silent conversation going on.

‘Together?’ Erin said. ‘Twelve and a half grand will suit me just fine.’