Page 10 of Secret Sins

"I'm not stopping you."

He snorted. "You don't realize it, but you are."

"What the hell does that mean?" As though I'd roped him in and hogtied him to the chair.

"You're too nice, too helpful, and I can't repay that." His gaze dropped to the mug, and a large part of me wanted to hurl my coffee at him.

"All that is free. Around here, that's what we do. Repaying in kind is acceptable."

"You don't understand, Bailey. You reap what you sow, right?"

Sensing he was about to bolt again, I nodded slowly.

"Well, I haven't sown kindness in my life."

Jesus Christ, I was right earlier. Why did that not only make my heart beat faster, but also make my insides curl and spread? "You have that chance now. To start from today with good intentions."

"Karma doesn't work that way. What I deserve is not what you deserve. You can't fathom what it's like waiting for the payback." Draining his mug, he rose from the chair. "It's coming whether I like it or not, and you have no business being in the middle of it when it does."

"You . . ." Fuck, how did I respond to that? "I don't believe you're the bad guy, Van."

"That’s because you don't know me." Moving to the door now, Van yanked his jacket from the peg and twisted the collar in his large hands.

"What I know is that a man who would do anything for his dog, including going without food so she eats, is a good guy. I know that someone who would step in and stop a man from fucking up a woman when he knows neither of them is a good guy. I know you've tried to start over because I've seen it in our few interactions."

He faced away from me, his shoulders moving up and down. Shrugging or sobbing, I couldn't tell which. "I just wanted to buy a fucking book."

The words pierced my heart as he whisked out the door, thunder and lightning following in his footsteps.

Chapter 5

Van

After that exchange, I was good and pissed for the rest of the day. Walking home in the rain didn't help my temperament, and I had to take Heidi out in that shit, too. Sitting on the floor of my tiny mint green bathroom, I scrubbed her fur with a towel and bit back tears. Sensing my emotions, Heidi bumped against me, pushing her head up under my chin. I wrapped my arms around her and held on.

"It's just you and me, girl."

That had always been enough, but today that solitude came back to haunt me. Knowing what I couldn't have, what had been stripped from me—what I'd stolen from myself with my past—it ate at me.

Croft's sold a few books, but it struck me as blasphemy to buy from a chain store when there was a perfectly good small business within walking distance selling better choices. If only there was a day when Bailey wouldn't be there, then I could take the coward's way. But I was certain that wasn't possible.

So instead of reading, I discovered the yogurt wasn't half bad. There were thirty-two stripes on the coverlet over the bed, sixteen each of blue and white. For dinner, I fried up the veggies I'd purchased and added some rice and a scrambled egg. Saturday night took too long to stretch into Sunday morning, and only a few of those hours allowed me to sleep. My brain repeated my mantra of not getting close to anyone, no matter who they were.

I'd made that mistake before, and it had cost me everything. Trusting the wrong people had invited trouble, and I'd dug so deep I couldn't find my way back out. The money and the fear in people's eyes when my name was spoken lured me. But now, I was acutely aware I was living on borrowed time. So when a beautiful shop girl and her clever cat wooed me, I knew I had to make an about-face and head in the other direction.

It sucked.

When the men who used to call me brother tracked me down, I was a dead man. That was what I carried with me, and I knew it before I moved across the country. I knew it when I brought my girl Heidi with me for company, despite realizing it made me weak. I knew it when I got the job in the fish processing plant and accepted cash under the table. There was no way to un-know something; the truth was the truth, regardless of how much we sometimes might wish it otherwise.

And so, knowing my days were numbered, my only goal was to live life until that option was taken from me.

Back out on the street heading to work, I made certain to pay attention to my surroundings. Only fools allowed themselves to become complacent. The early hour mixed in with the fog rolling off the bay, and the buildings loomed ethereal as ghosts. The sonority of the waves was buffered at this distance, but the ocean mist suffocated me with its tender kiss. With bricks above me and cobblestones below me, roses beckoned, and my feet carried me of their own accord. Empty of life without the woman within, volumes wrapped in colorful ink dared me to come closer.

There was some small, shameful part of me that knew I could break in, steal a book, and leave no trace of my existence behind. The last vestiges of my morality urged me to carry on, face the day at work, and continue flying under the radar. My knuckles berated me for not taking better care of them, but I hadn't found anything other than regular lotion to treat them. Despite the gloves Chris provided, my hands were constantly wet and covered in slimy salt. When I met my boss at the entrance to the warehouse, I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet to rally my mental state and prepare for the day ahead.

At the end of my shift, I walked home as always. But before I made it to my apartment, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Glancing behind me, I tried not to be too obvious as I checked for someone I recognized. A man in a cap and dark jacket shifted behind a building, and my breathing picked up.

Instead of leading him to my place, I detoured to the shore. It was more open, and he wouldn't have the chance to jump me without me seeing him coming. I wished I had Heidi with me for protection, but I also knew I could take him if he tried to hurt me.