Page 69 of Secret Sins

"Bailey." Taking a deep breath, he said, "I don't want to leave you."

"Then don't—"

"But I won't put you in jeopardy, either."

Why did it have to be so hard to love him? I envied my friends; just once, I wanted what they had. Simplicity. Freedom.

"Listen to me very carefully," I said. "You will not push me away."

When he dropped his head, I knew that was what he'd planned. "I don't want to."

"But you’ll try."

"If it keeps you safe?" Lifting his head, he met my gaze across the books I loved almost as dearly as I loved him. "I'll walk away every time."

I had to turn my back to find something to focus on other than his damn gorgeous face. There was only so much battering I could withstand, and my hull was cracking.

"Again and again, Bailey, if that's what it takes."

"You'd rather I hate you? Is that it?"

"Wh-what?"

My shoulders shook, and I couldn't keep going. Sitting heavily in the armchair, I gazed out the window. Despite the squall happening in my shop, the sun kept shining, tourists winding their way down the alley to the ocean. I thought the water had finally given to me, rather than taking.

Turns out, I was wrong.

"I told you once that if you and I got together, then I needed you to be strong for me." My words came out distorted as I felt tears pouring down my face. "You promised me, Van."

"I promised to go into WITSEC so we could be together."

"Yes." Wiping my face, I said, "And in exchange for no longer running, I gave you every cell of my body. I kept my promise."

"What if witness protection isn't the answer? If they rip me from you anyway, then what have we gained?" I could tell by the nearness of his voice that he'd moved closer.

"I don't think you understand my words."

"You want to be with me, no matter what you have to give up. I want you to have what you want, what you need, even if it isn't with me."

"Fuck me, Van!" Standing, I spun to face him. "What I have is nothing without you!"

Shaking his head, he backed up once more. "I'm drowning, baby. Fucking drowning, and I can't seem to make myself swim, even if it'll save my life."

"You'd rather go down without a fight." Pursing my lips, I nodded. God, I had always hoped that wasn't true about him.

"I'm sick of running, Bailey. Sick of hiding. But if it's what I have to do . . ."

"You know I never cared who you were or what you did, I just wanted to be part of your life somehow. In whatever way possible." I sniffed, watching him watching me. I felt defeated. "All the fighting we did to be together, and this is how it's ending?"

Van's face went pale as the moon. "It's not over, Bailey. Don't say that."

"You won't fight for me, much less yourself." Closing my eyes, I said, "You won't even save yourself."

"What can I do?" I felt him, then, his tentative touch on my skin. Lifting my face, he pressed his lips to my forehead, my cheeks. "What's the right thing?"

"I need you to do the right thing on your own, Van Davies." Opening my eyes, I saw the darkening in his gaze, wishing things were different for us. "You have to decide what’s best for you, just like I do."

"I don't want to make the wrong choice."