Page 119 of This is Me

Giving Leroy a small nod, I took a quick look around us. The only people I could see were those setting up the fireworks. Everyone was either inside the hall or in a secluded place doing other things. Probably.

“Okay.” My voice was barely a whisper, but Leroy nodded in acknowledgment and shuffled on the spot.

“Pete, I knew what was coming. From my dad. I knew he was never going to accept me. But for ages, I thought I needed that. I thought I needed him to see me as… as his son. I used to think that if I just tried hard enough, that I could be. That everything could go back to how it was because everything seemed to work back then. Yeah, he wasn’t the father of the year, but I felt safe. We worked like a normal, disjointed family, and I was okay with that.”

Leroy took a pause, and I took one last step toward him, staying silent and waiting for him to continue. After a few moments, he did.

“Pete, I didn’t start going to Andy’s because my dad didn’t talk to me. Or didn’t look at me. If all he did was not treat me as a son, maybe I could have been okay with that. Maybe I could have stayed.”

“Leroy, what happened?” I reached out to grab Leroy’s arm, but he flinched away at my touch. “Leroy…”

“I’m fine,” Leroy said quickly, grabbing his arm where I had touched. “Just know that I couldn’t stay. I went back tonight because I thought maybe for one night it would be okay. That I could be accepted. That he wouldn’t…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, reaching out for him again but having second thoughts and putting my hand back to my side.

I knew it was a stupid question. If what I thought Leroy was saying was correct, why would he tell me? After all, I’m probably one of the reasons why it was happening. If I had just stayed out of it and kept my mouth shut, maybe he would still have a father. A home.

If I had just stayed away.

“Because I… I wanted to be normal. I felt telling you would make everything so much more real. The same reason I stopped talking to you. The same reason I kept trying to be someone else. Trying to be someone who wouldn’t be judged. Wouldn’t be looked down on. I was scared to be me. To look into the face of my dad and everyone else and have them not accept me.”

As Leroy continued to speak, his firm, steady voice began to waver and crack, and he took a moment to steady himself again. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. I watched as one hand fidgeted by his side, while the other gripped his arm, and he grimaced as he did so.

I was sure that he was cradling a bruise, and I was confident it wasn’t the only one on his body. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the thought of what Leroy had been through rushed through my mind.

“But then there’s you,” Leroy said after a minute of silence, and let out a long sigh.

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ve tried so hard to feel like myself. Even before I knew I was gay, I always felt out of place. No matter what I did, or tried, I never felt like I fit anywhere. Every time I did something to be what someone else wanted me to be, it just felt like I was falling further and further away from who I was supposed to be. But then there was you.

“Even before I knew who I was. There was something about you that made me feel like I belonged. Something that made me feel like I was on the right track and could be someone. Someone who wasn’t trying to please everyone around them. There was something about you that felt right. Every time I saw you smile or heard you laugh, I knew I was in the right place. That I was going in the right direction. Hell, you’re the reason I tried out for the football team. I just wanted to… you made me feel like I was doing the right thing.”

“I had no idea,” I muttered, shuffling closer to Leroy. We were less than a foot apart now, and I could hear the shakiness in his quiet breathing. The familiar scent of butter coconut swirled around me, and I had to resist the urge to lean into him.

‘That was the point,” Leroy whispered, a small chuckle escaping his lips.

I could hear the strain in his voice and how much effort he was using to not fall apart. He had been fighting a battle for so long, and I’d had no idea. Maybe I had been the jerk.

“I’m sorry. I—”

“No, Pete. You didn’t know. I didn’t want you to.”

“What changed?” I asked, my voice going lower, and Leroy leaned in closer, causing my breath to catch in my throat.

“Last night. You said I wasn’t ready to be me. To stop hiding who I was. That’s the thing, Pete. I am ready. I didn’t realise it last night because I was still holding on to the notion that I needed to be accepted in the eyes of everyone else. To be the person they want to see, but I don’t.

“Pete, the only person I want to accept me, is you. You’re the only person whose opinion I care about. And I feel so stupid for taking this long to realise that.”

Leroy let out a small laugh as he shook his head, and I slowly moved my hand toward him, brushing it against his.

“You don’t even need that,” I whispered, my voice quivering slightly.

Quickly, I looked around the field and saw the firework workers were still the only people around us. Turning back to Leroy, I looked down at his hand, where mine gently brushed beside and slowly wrapped my fingers around his, my heart threatened to stop as he squeezed my hand.

“I shouldn’t have walked away last night.”

“You did the right thing, Pete,” Leroy muttered, still squeezing my hand. “You made me realise I needed to do the right thing, too.”