Page 30 of This is Me

I had definitely drunk enough the night before to feel the way I did now. It felt as though I would never know what it was like to be healthy again. On the other hand, the growing feelings for Leroy and the constant lying I’d found myself doing was taking a toll on me.

It wasn’t just the terrible feeling that was hard about the lying, it was the fact that Blaire had terrific intuition. It was always as if she could see into my mind and feel my emotions. It was a little freaky and absolutely terrifying in situations like this.

“Peter,” she said my name slowly and rested her hand on my arm.

“Blaire,” I mimicked her, not wanting to get into a serious conversation at this time.

I knew that if she asked specific questions, I wouldn’t be able to dance around them. Not like I usually do.

“Something’s bothering you,” she stated bluntly, not taking her eyes off me, and while I wanted to look away, I found that I couldn’t.

“Blaire, I’m fine,” I tried to convince her, but she shook her head at me. The motion making my own head spin.

“You’re not. Something has been bothering you all week,” Blaire said knowingly, moving a little closer to me. “And not just this week, Pete. It always feels like you’re treading on ice. Like you’re trying not to make a wrong move. It’s like you’re afraid the ground beneath you is gonna shatter, and you’re going to fall.”

Blaire paused for a moment, and all I could do was stare at her. Yes, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted it to be out there, even if only one person knew—because she wasn’t wrong. Every day, it felt as though I was trying to navigate over a thin sheet of ice. Every step I took could cause the ground beneath me to collapse, and I may not be able to recover from that. I may not be able to find my footing again.

“I don’t… Blaire, I just…” I had no idea what to say. Usually, I would find a way out of a conversation like this, but nothing was coming to me.

Damn hangover.

I was so tired. Pain was rippling through my brain, and my stomach was not sitting well. Not only that, but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had been trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t for as long as I could remember. Always trying to keep things the same and not disappoint anyone. After a while, it becomes draining. It becomes a challenge. There comes a time when I don’t want to do it anymore. I was getting to that point.

“You know that you can talk to me, right?”

That was something that I had heard many times, from many different people. Everyone wanted to seem like they cared, but in actuality, very few people wanted to help. Very few people wanted to listen. But Blaire was different. She had always been different.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” The words fell out of my mouth before I had time to stop them. As soon as they dripped from my lips, my heart began to race, and it felt as though it was going to burst through my chest.

As I felt Blaire’s hand tighten on my arm, I closed my eyes to try and ease my mind and stomach, though it didn’t help. I could feel my stomach twisting itself into knots, and it suddenly seemed as though I couldn’t draw any air into my lungs. I opened my mouth a few times to speak, but each time I did, nothing came out.

After a few more moments, Blaire spoke.

“Pete…” was all she said, as she moved her hand to rest on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes tighter, unsure if I could hold myself together for much longer.

With each passing moment, I got more and more anxious, and I could feel the fears wanting to form in the back of my eyes. In my mind, I had already decided to tell Blaire. It was just a matter of getting the words out of my mouth.

“Blaire, I don’t know how to do this,” I started, my voice shaking and cracking with each word, but feeling Blaire’s hand on my shoulder, and knowing that she cared, gave me the courage to continue. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve wanted to say it for a while now, but I could never figure out how, and I was afraid… afraid that it would change things.”

Blaire kept her hand on my shoulder as I paused and took a few deep breaths. Looking at her, I had no idea what she was thinking, but the one thing I could see was her patience with me. It was something that I had always admired. The way that she never rushed anyone or pushed them to do something they didn’t want to do. I felt that’s why I needed to tell her—why I could tell her.

Deep down, I knew that she would be okay with it. Deep down, I knew that she wouldn’t tell anyone else if I asked her not to. I didn’t want to keep living a lie. Making the video proved that. This was the next step, and I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

“I’m gay.”

The words seemed to falter, though I knew that they were heard, even as silence came to rest between us. Blaire hadn’t reacted at all when I told her, not right away at least. She continued to grip my shoulder tightly, and I felt her eyes on me.

“Oh, Pete,” she muttered and leant over me, pulling me into a hug.

As I felt her arms wrap around me, and gently lift me off the bed, I felt tears start to find their way out of my closed eyes and roll down my cheeks. This time, however, I didn’t try to stop them from falling.

Feeling the warmth of Blaire surrounding me was something I had become very used to since we had become friends, but there was something different about this hug.

I was no longer putting a barrier up between the two of us. I had finally let Blaire in and showed her a part of me no one else knew about, and I could feel it in the hug. I could feel the love she was emitting, and in the moments before she pulled away, it felt as though everything was going to be okay.

“How long have you known?” Blaire asked when she finally did pull away from me.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Blaire, who was smiling down at me. Turning my head sideways, I felt a wet patch on my pillow from my tears and smiled.