Page 33 of This is Me

I turned away from the ceiling and looked back at Blaire, seeing that she was now staring at the ceiling. It was a weird sensation laying with someone who knew who I was. It was pleasant, but it was also a little terrifying. I wanted to know what she was thinking and how she was feeling. Blaire had said that me being gay wouldn’t change anything, but I couldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts from telling me otherwise.

“This is something we can work on,” Blaire spoke again, and she sat up on the bed and faced me. “It’s easy. First, I want you to imagine someone that you find attractive.”

Almost immediately, an image of Leroy flashed through my mind. I pictured his smile and his eyes. I could see him laughing and pushing his hair back. I felt my heart drop when I thought of him and my stomach twist, and Blaire must have noticed something, too.

“You’re smiling!” she exclaimed excitedly, and I quickly wiped the smile from my face.

“No, I’m not!” I quietly defended, even though it was futile.

“Obviously, someone has piqued your interest.” Blaire shot me a smile and a wink, and I could feel my face start to burn up.

“Shut up,” I mumbled, not being able to think of anything witty to say. Blaire smiled even brighter.

“Okay, okay. We’ll get to that in a sec. Now, I want you to say something you like about him.”

“I-I don’t know,” I stuttered.

Naming one thing that I liked about Leroy was easy. Hell, I could list about a million of them even if I wished I couldn’t because developing a crush on my best friend was never going to end well. But at this moment, that wasn’t my main concern. It was the fact that after I say some things that I like about Leroy, Blaire may realise who I’m talking about, which would make things much, much worse.

“Oh, come on! Surely, if you like this guy, you can think of one thing!” Blaire pressed, and I could feel my face burning even more as I decided to bite the bullet.

“I like his smile.”

“Alright, good start, good start. Anything else? Like his arms, or his legs, or his butt—”

“Blaire!”

“What?”

I could feel my face getting redder and redder with every passing second. I didn’t want to think about those things, especially if it was Leroy we were talking about. I mean, yes, I noticed them, but it wasn’t something I wanted to train my mind on. The truth was, those features, while good, were overshadowed by his personality and his humour. His smile and his laugh. I really needed to stop thinking about him.

“I just… his smile,” I repeated, doing my best to move the conversation away from other physical features of Leroy.

“Fine. His smile.” Blaire pouted, before quickly smiling again. “Okay, why do you like his smile?”

“I don’t know,” I whined. This was definitely not something I was used to doing. “It’s bright. And his whole face glows. And it makes me smile. I don’t know.”

Blaire cooed as I turned away from her to hide how much I was blushing. I wanted to turn back and glare at her, but I knew it wouldn’t have the effect that I wanted it to.

“That was very gay.” Blaire let out a laugh, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Wait, can I say that? Is that okay?”

“It’s fine, Blaire.” I chuckled, looking back over at Blaire and I saw that she was panicking a little. “Seriously, it’s fine. Don’t start doing this.”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. It was gay. Super gay.”

“Okay, let’s not alert the whole neighbourhood,” I snickered and readjusted myself on my bed.

“Don’t be dramatic. Does this boy have a name?” Blaire asked.

“No. Funnily enough, people refer to him by the colour of the shirt he is wearing.”

“Hilarious. Does the sass come with being gay, or is it the other way around?”

“I think it just shines through when someone says something stupid.” I gave Blaire a slight nudge with my foot, and she stuck her tongue out at me, before pressing for the name again.

“Is it a good name? Is it sexy?”

“Sexy? How can a name be sexy?”

“I… honestly, I don’t know.” Blaire shrugged. “But come on, what’s his name?” Blaire pressed, and I turned away from her.

“I don’t know, Blaire.” It felt as if there was a war going on in my head whether I should tell Blaire the boy I had my eye on was Leroy, or if I should keep it to myself.

On the one hand, telling Blaire about it would be even more weight off my shoulders, as I would finally have it off my chest and could openly talk about my feelings with someone. Some would say that would be therapeutic. Talking about all of this had helped with the pain in my head, maybe that was a sign.

On the other hand, it could cause problems, and right now, that was what my mind was focusing on.

“Is it someone I know?” Blaire asked, and I had a feeling I was making it way too easy for her.

“No. Yes. I changed my mind. We can talk about butts.”

“No, no, no. My interest is fucking soaring. Oh, God,” Blaire almost cut herself off and looked at me with a dropped jaw, causing my heart to race. “It’s not Andy, is it?”

“No…” I let out a sigh of relief, though I knew that my relief wouldn’t last. I knew that there was no way out of this conversation, just as there wasn’t when I came out just before to Blaire. It was better just to rip the band-aid off.

“It’s Leroy.”