Page 41 of This is Me

“Your computer was on, the video was minimised, I know I shouldn’t have, Pete.”

“You haven’t… told anyone?” I asked nervously, trying to stop my brain from thinking of the worst possible scenario.

I was failing.

“What? No, Pete!” Brad said, quickly shaking his head, and I felt my heart steady for a moment, before the realisation that Brad had seen the video set back in.

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” I mumbled, stumbling into the seat next to the counter, keeping my eyes off Brad.

“I know, and I’ve spent the past few days thinking of telling you that I saw, but I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want you to react like this.”

“Like what? Paranoid? Scared?”

“I thought it would be best if you knew that I know.”

“I didn’t want you to know!” I yelled, feeling my body shake as I found it harder and harder to keep myself composed. “I just wanted to be normal!”

“Pete, you are normal.” Brad got up from his seat and started moving toward me, but I stood up and walked away.

“No, Brad. Just… leave me alone.”

Pushing past Brad, he reached out to me, but I brushed his hand away, heading out of the kitchen.

“Pete!”

“What going on?” my mum’s voice came from the bottom of the stairs as I walked into the hallway and made my way toward the front door.

“Nothing. I’m going to school.”

Quickly grabbing my car keys from off the dresser that sat in the hallway, I reached the front door, walked outside, and soon I was sitting in my car, breathing heavily as I gripped the steering wheel.

My mind raced as I thought of the video, and I cursed at myself for making it.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” I growled through clenched death, slamming my hand against the steering wheel and feeling a tear slide down my cheek.

Anger boiled in me. Anger at Brad, but also at myself. I knew I shouldn’t have acted how I had toward Brad, as it seemed as though he genuinely cared, but I couldn’t help it.

Doing all I could to calm myself down, I started my car. Deciding that I couldn’t keep sitting in front of my house, I began the journey to pick up my friends. I tried to make it seem like nothing was wrong. I tried to act as normal as I could. I laughed at Andy’s jokes when he told them, and I smiled at Blaire when she got in the car. I nodded along with Leroy when he spoke about his soccer game and made a loud announcement when it was time to stop for coffee.

I tried.

“You seem to have been zoning out all morning, Pete. Are you alright?” Blaire had waited for me to park my car after we had arrived at school before pulling me aside, away from the growing crowd of students.

It was customary for me to drop my friends off right in front of the school before circling to find a place to park. Usually, Andy and Leroy also would have waited, but something told me that Blaire had made sure we could get some alone time.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I lied, though, I had no idea why I lied and quickly corrected myself. “Well, no. I’m not good.”

“Oh?” Blaire questioned, looking around at the students passing us, and I replicated her, before speaking to her in a softer tone.

“I have a problem.”

“You saw?” Blaire's voice seemed to slide up an octave, just as my heartbeat almost broke through my rib cage, but Blaire continued before I had a chance to say anything. “I mean, I only just saw it, and Andy quickly rushed over to tell me it was only recently, and we’d be introduced at lunch. I’m sorry, Pete.”

“I’m sorry, what?” my mind was racing, mainly because I had no idea what Blaire was talking about, but if she thought it was a problem, it usually was.

“Leroy’s new girlfriend.”

My heart that was once beating as fast as the speed of light almost stopped dead, and it felt as though it had fallen into the pit of my stomach with enough force to smash through the ground.