Page 42 of This is Me

“That… wasn’t… girlfriend?” I was struggling to get any words out as I lowered my voice even more and scanned the surrounding areas once again.

“Oh. You have a different problem. That was… okay, now I’m really sorry!” Blaire scrambled to get her words out as I took in the panicked look on her face

“No, it’s fine. Leroy has a girlfriend. It was bound to happen at some point. So, it’s fine. I don’t care. They kissed, didn’t they? That’s what you saw?”

“Pete—"

“No, I don’t care. I don’t want to know. I have a bigger problem.”

My heartbeat was slowly starting to get back to normal, though my mind was still going wild, and I couldn’t get the image of Leroy and some mystery girl out of my head. Though every time I pushed it away, the thought of Brad seeing the video raced back into my mind.

Would he tell my parents? He had said he didn’t tell anyone, but he could, right?

“I’m all ears!” I could still see the apologetic look in Blaire’s eyes. It was as though she was trying to scream that she was sorry but didn’t know how to convey it accurately. But it didn’t matter. Leroy didn’t matter. I had bigger problems.

“Well, you know… I’m gay,” the words shook as they came out of my mouth, as I still wasn’t used to saying them yet. It was a side effect of still trying to learn how to accept myself.

“Yes, Pete, I know that part,” Blaire joked, obviously trying her hardest to make the situation less tense and awkward, though it wasn’t working.

“Okay, so I… before I came out to you… I did something.”

My voice was becoming quieter and quieter, and I found myself grabbing Blaire gently and moving her even further away from the other students. Giving my surroundings one more look over and catching a glimpse of Andy eyeing us off before heading into the school, I continued.

“I made a video. A coming out video sort of thing. It was something to help me come to terms with who I am. It’s stupid, I know—”

“It’s not stupid, Pete,” Blaire quietly interjected, and I gave her a soft smile.

“Thanks, but it is. Well, it was. And, well, I thought my computer was safe, but I must’ve left it open.”

“Is this going where I think it’s going?” Blaire asked, though I could tell that the look on my face told her it was going exactly where she was thinking.

“Brad saw it. I thought I closed it, but I guess I didn’t, and he saw it.”

“What? When?”

“It’s so stupid, and I’m such a fucking idiot. He said he saw it when he was setting up for the party.”

“Why—" Blaire began to ask, but I cut her off almost instantly.

“Because I’m a fucking idiot!” I repeated slightly louder and was glad that the other students had all but disappeared.

“Okay, okay… okay… okay,” Blaire mumbled over and over, as I could start to feel my heartbeat speed up again.

“I don’t know what to do, Blaire. I’m not ready to come out to anyone else yet, especially my family. Hell, I wasn’t even ready to come out to myself. I can’t… I can’t breathe.”

It became very apparent to me extremely quickly that I was starting to have a panic attack. I knew that it would happen at some point, but I still wasn’t prepared for it.

“Pete, are you okay?” Blaire asked, placing her hand on my shoulder as I began to shake, and my airway started to feel more restricted.

“No,” I managed to choke out while shaking my head and quickly moving over to a nearby wall and latching onto it for dear life.

My head was spinning as I tried to level out my breathing, but with each breath out, I felt as though I needed to take five breaths in. I pushed my back against the wall and felt myself slide down it, knowing that it probably wasn’t the best thing I could do, but I didn’t care.

Blaire was still beside me with her hand resting on my shoulder, freaking out and not knowing what to do. I could hear her muttering, “breathe, breathe, Pete,” though it wasn’t doing me much good, as I sat on the ground, feeling as though I was about to pass out. It felt like no air was getting into my lungs, no matter how much I gasped for it.

Every thought in my mind was focusing on the bad things. The video that Brad had seen showed him who I truly was. It showed the part of me I tried to keep hidden because I was afraid. Yes, I wanted to be out. I wanted not to care and just be myself, but what if there was a cost to that? What if it cost me everything? That seemed like the absolute worst-case scenario, but they were the thoughts my mind was trained on.

“What can I do?” Blaire’s soft voice sidled into my ear and managed to pull me out of my thoughts as I continued to fight to even out my breathing and lower my heart rate.