Page 43 of This is Me

“I don’t know,” I managed to choke out, and my thoughts landed on Leroy.

His radiant face and the happiness he emitted. His smile that seemed to engulf his surroundings and cast everyone in his light. His eyes that always seemed to shine bright, even when he was feeling down. My mind rested on the thought and the image of him, and I could feel my breathing begin to level out. My heartbeat started to slow, and my head stopped spinning. I had no idea why I had started getting these feelings for Leroy, but in a moment like this, I was glad I had him.

“Pete?” Blaire whispered, and I could still feel her hand on my shoulder as I looked up into her eyes.

“I’m okay,” I murmured back, knowing that I wasn’t okay. The good thing was—I was no longer having a panic attack.

“We should head in.” Blaire looked up at the school, and I followed her gaze, seeing the last few students making their way into the school.

“Yeah…” I trailed off as I gave Blaire a soft smile before pulling myself off the ground.

Shooting Blaire one more smile, we both made our way to the front of the school and walked inside.

*

It took most of the morning for me to calm down completely. Well, to calm down as much as I could in the situation—I was in one hell of a situation. The worst part of it was, I could have prevented it all if I wasn’t such an idiot. I had no one else to blame but myself.

As the morning wore on, I finally heard the bell ring for lunch and stepped out into the hallway and began my search for Blaire. Usually, I would try to find Andy and Leroy as well, but from what Blaire had told me in the morning, I wanted to put the inevitable off for as long as possible. I even managed to avoid both Andy and Leroy in the halls in-between classes and didn’t look around the classroom when I was in maths. I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of Leroy. The thought of him may have helped with my panic attack, but I could bring myself to look him in the face.

“Watch it, Pete!” Donny’s sharp voice ripped into my ear, right before a towering figure knocked into my shoulder.

“Oh, yeah. ‘Cause there’s definitely no room to walk around me, is there?” I called after him and watched him turn around and begin walking backward, before yelling back.

“Sorry, I don’t listen to dipshits!”

“How clever,” I mumbled before making my way down the hall along with the rest of the students.

“He really holds a grudge, hey?” a deep voice came from beside me, and I turned to see who was speaking. I recognised him straight away as Mitchell. We had talked before but only briefly.

“You know about the thing with his sister?” I asked with a raised eyebrow, and he let out a small chuckle.

“Most people do. The day after you rejected her, he went off and pretty much told everyone you were dirt.”

“Gee, I’m glad only a few people gave a damn.”

“Yeah, it could be worse.” Mitchell laughed. “It could have been because you were a fag.”

It felt as though the world around me stopped at Mitchell’s words, and I did my best not to show how much they stung. The fear I felt about coming out became solidified as Mithcell’s voice echoed in my mind.

“Anyway, I gotta go. See ya around, Pete!” Mitchell shot me a smile before pulling away from me.

Giving him a small wave and a forceful smile, I watched him disappear into a crowd of students heading to have lunch. Still trying to get my thoughts straight again, I scanned the hall for Blaire who I spotted waiting for me near the exit.

It had taken me all morning to get my mental state back in check, I wasn’t going to let an off-hand comment by someone send me spiralling again. Coming to rest next to Blaire, I already felt myself becoming calmer, and as she gave me a quick hug, I felt as though I would be okay.

“How are you feeling?” she asked almost instantly.

“I’m alright. Could be better. But I think I’m handling it okay.”

“Andy and Leroy told me that you were avoiding them.”

“That is true but for a completely different reason,” I defended myself, and Blaire nodded, understanding where I was coming from.

“I’m sure Leroy is just having a fling,” she reassured.

“Yeah, that doesn’t help.”

Blaire gave me a sympathetic smile before we began making our way outside where we always had our lunch. We found sitting in the field always seemed to be much more peaceful, though considering a stranger was most likely going to be sitting with us, clinging onto Leroy, it was going to be anything but peaceful for me.