Page 56 of This is Me

“Shut up!” My face continued to grow more heated as I stuffed it further into my pillow.

“Why couldn’t it be someone I actually liked? All of your friends are weird,” Brad wondered aloud, and I threw my leg out to kick him, though missed completely.

“This isn’t a joke.”

“Is that where you were this afternoon?” Brad asked, and I lifted my head to look at him, nodding. “Wait, does he know?”

“No.”

“Was that going to be your way of telling him? Because, honestly, that would be stupider than that time you forgot your birthday.”

“That was you—fuck off!”

“Are you planning on telling?” Brad pressed, ignoring me, and I sighed.

“I don’t know. I want to just be out. Get it over with, but I don’t know.”

Taking a moment to let my mind calm down, I noticed my breathing had become rapid. Fuck it. I’ve come this far—I may as well keep going.

“I’m scared, Brad. I’ve been scared for so long. I’ve been petrified to say the wrong thing. To show who I am, because I’ve heard the stories. I’ve seen what can happen to people like me. How could I know that wasn’t going to be me? That is isn’t going to be me?”

“I’d never let anything like that happen, Pete—" Brad started, but I cut him off.

I could see that my words had caused him to think of the stories we’d seen on the news. I could see the slight fear in his eyes.

“It’s not up to you, Brad. If it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen, and there’ll be nothing you can do. That’s what scares me. I’ll be alone. Whatever comes, I’ll have to face it alone.”

“You can’t think that I would let you face anything alone, Pete. Or your friends would let you face it alone. You have people who care about you. Who love you, Pete. You have people who will do anything for you. And, yes, I know I can be a fuck sometimes, but I’m your older brother, and I’m going to be there for you if you need me.”

Brad reached out to me, his hand gripped my shoulder, and I shook my head, letting a few tears roll down my face. The words of Leroy’s father still echoing in mind. He may not have known I was gay, but the words still stung. The ring of truth around the words and the thought that others would say the same after finding out was haunting.

“It just… It felt like, for the longest time, I couldn’t breathe. Like I was drowning, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t find the surface. My head was underwater for so long that I forgot which way up was. And finally, I found it. Finally, I was able to breathe again. But now… it feels like I’m drowning all over again. And I don’t know what to do. It feels like I’m the one forcing it back under.”

Bradly’s grip tightened on my shoulder, and as I looked back in his eyes, I could see he was worried about me. The concern in his eyes, for whatever reason, calmed me. Knowing that someone in my family had my back, was more than knowing a friend had it.

“I’m sorry, Pete.”

“Brad, don’t—" I started, but my brother cut me off, shaking his head as he did so.

“No. I’ve… I know there have been times where I would’ve made it hard for you. To come out or accept yourself. I know that, and I’m sorry.”

“Brad, you didn’t know—"

“It doesn’t matter. I just feel… I could have been better. Recently, you’ve been a real brother to me. Yeah, you’ve been a dick and shit, but you have no idea how much you’ve helped me, and it feels like I haven’t done the same for you.

“I never asked, Pete. I never asked how you were or what was going on. I… I didn’t know you were suffocating. It was happening right in front of me, and I didn’t even notice. I didn’t even try to notice.”

Silence fell between us and Brad’s words hung in the air. As I stared at him, I couldn’t help a small smile from creeping on my face. As Brad stared back at me, he shook his head and let out a soft chuckle.

It was an odd feeling, getting everything out in the open. Having someone I could confide in was something I had wanted for a long time. Sure, I had told Blaire I was gay and about my crush on Leroy, but she didn’t know the fear I felt. The horror of what I thought could happen.

The events of the afternoon kept circling my mind, too, as I opened up to Brad. Maybe I should tell him all of it, and what happened with Leroy’s dad. It, no doubt, wouldn’t put my mind at rest, but at least I could get some advice. Or it could just make things worse.

So many things were racing in my head, and while the yelling from earlier was one of them, it was mainly the words that were carried. And as I looked at Brad, I remembered something else Leroy’s dad had said.

‘Don’t go near my son again.’

Part of me was seeing that as a threat, and paired with everything else that was said, I didn’t want to take that lightly.