Page 57 of This is Me

Somehow, though, I didn’t think Brad needed to know all of that. For now, I figured he knew enough.

“I didn’t know you were so soft,” I joked, wiping the fear tears from my face, and looking back down at the small wet patch on my pillow.

“Tell anyone, and I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

“It’ll be worth it.”

A quiet fell once more, and I waited for Bradly to give me one last nod and leave, however, he didn’t move. Minutes passed, and the little calm that had settled over me slowly started to dissipate.

“Whatever happens, Pete, you got me.” Brad’s voice slipped into my ear, and I looked up at him again.

The look on his face gave the impression he could sense the panic that was once again rising within me.

“Gay,” I muttered.

It was odd having Brad being so supportive. Apart from the conversations we’d had about his dancing opportunities, it was sporadic for us to be open with each other. It was usually insults, sarcastic remarks, and jokes. While it was a refreshing change, I couldn’t help but feel as though I had been thrust into an alternate reality.

“Sometimes, you’ve just got to pretend like the world isn’t against you, Pete,” Brad started, ignoring my comment and knotting his eyebrows as if he were in deep thought. “Because… if you stay behind a barricade. If you put walls up around you, you’ll never go anywhere. You’ll be stuck in the same place, pretending to be something that you’re not.”

Brad paused for a moment, and I looked away from him again, waiting for him to collect his thoughts again.

“Pete, I don’t know what it’s like to be… you. Or like you. But you’ve spent so long pretending to be someone else, because of what people will think, what they’ll say. Especially at school. I may not know what it’s like to be you, but I know what it’s like to have people say things. When I first started dancing, Pete, I was the butt of a lot of jokes and a lot of harsh words. I was called gay more times than I can count, and that was just because I was doing something I enjoyed.”

Looking up at Brad in the new silence we found ourselves in, I saw that he was already looking at me.

“If I had listened to what was being said about me and took it to heart, I would never have gotten to where I am. I mean, I have an audition of a lifetime because I kept being who I was meant to be. I’m a little feminine. I have ‘girly’ mannerisms. Hell, I still have a limp wrist.” Brad laughed and did a small gesture, letting his hand flop, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

“But those things aren’t any more than actions,” he continued, “who you are and what you believe are what defines you. They’re what make you who you are, regardless of what anyone says. You have been hiding who you are, Pete. You’ve never gotten a chance to be yourself. Now is your chance. I know it’s a fucking terrifying thing, but you deserve to be happy. Happy with who you are and what you’ll become. No more hiding. No more facades. Just… be you.”

Brad fell silent for another moment, and I nodded along with his last words, feeling a few more tears slip from my eyes.

“Who cares if people see the video? Who cares if people know who you are? You will find yourself if you let yourself be who you are.” Brad smiled again, getting up from my bed, and looking down at me. “You’ll also find people who will like the real you. I have no doubt your friends will be some of those people.”

Turning away from me, Brad began walking across my room toward my door as I stayed on my bed, hugging my pillow.

“Thank you,” I said quietly, and I heard Brad snicker from my doorway.

Even though Brad’s little speech wasn’t about Leroy’s father, I couldn’t help but place his words onto that situation. I shouldn’t care what he thinks, nor should I stop myself from seeing Leroy because he said.

Things seemed to be becoming more complicated, and all I wanted to do was be myself. Was I the one making things more complicated?

Maybe Brad was right. Who cares who saw the video? Who cares if people knew I was gay? It shouldn’t stop me from being me. People will think whatever they want, and I will deal with. I have to.

“Same rule as when we spoke about my dancing audition?”

“Never speak of it again?” I asked, looking across my room at him, as he glanced back at me and nodded.

“Or I kill you.”

With that, Brad walked out of my room and closed the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Thankfully, thanks to Brad, they weren’t all negative, and the idea of uploading the video circled my mind.