Page 58 of This is Me

A Weighted Decision

My mind reeled all night. Thinking about Leroy, his father, what Bradly said, and the video I knew that I wasn’t going to get any sleep, and as the Saturday morning sun rose, and my alarm rang, I groaned.

I had no idea why I even set the alarm for the weekend. Perhaps I was a dumbass who thought I would actually get out of bed and be productive. Usually, that wasn’t the case, and I would turn my alarm off and go back to sleep. Today, however, was different, and as I turned my phone’s alarm off, I also rolled out of bed.

As soon as my feet hit the ground, I felt the weight of the sleepless night settle down on me, and each step across my room was like dragging boulders that were tied around my ankles. My shoulders slumped, and my arms hung as it felt as though my hands had turned into two-tonne weights.

Reaching my desk, I pulled my chair out and sat down, slumping back in the seat. Closing my eyes, I tried to clear my mind but had no luck, and while my eyelids were getting heavier by the second, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them closed. Nor did I really want to. Doing so made it much harder to clear my mind. Straining them open once again, I looked at the blank screen of my computer, and my thoughts landed on the video I had made.

“Why do I care?” I whispered to myself, feeling my breathing get heavier as my emotions began to run amuck.

I had no idea if I was sad, angry, anxious, or something else. All I knew was that my stomach was having a field day thinking about the video and what Brad had said. Perhaps it was a mixture of all of those emotions. After all, I was a walking train wreck.

Suddenly, I felt a vibration in my pocket, and I slowly pulled my phone out, surprised it still had any battery left. Looking at the screen, I could see I had a message from Andy. In all honesty, if anyone saw how I named people in my phone, they would already know I was gay.

From The Bambi-Andy

7:37 amPete you raspberry donut

7:37 amAre you awake?

I’m slowly getting there 7:38 am

7:41 amLook, don’t worry about what Roy’s dad said. He has no idea what hes talking abut

7:43 amRoy doesn’t care so don’t think it’s going to stop us all from haning out

Looking down at my phone, I smiled. The horrible feeling in my stomach slowly vanished, and while it still churned, it was from happiness.

I had no idea what Leroy had told Andy, but it was clearly everything. From his father yelling to even the almost kiss. Wait, would he tell Andy about that? Does that mean he noticed I was leaning in? Does that mean they know I’m gay?

And there goes the happiness.

The mixture of feelings that had once been replaced came rushing back as my mind began to reel again.

Shaking my head, I backed out of my messages with Andy, and found Blaire’s contacts and called her. After a few rings, she answered.

“Hillbilly Bitch, what did you do?” Blaire’s voice came through the phone, and if I hadn’t been panicking, I would have laughed.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Bitch, I’m already outside of your house. Come let me in.”

“Why are you here?” I asked, getting up from my chair and swaying on the spot.

Fuck, I was tired.

“Because Andy rang me at fucking six and told me to check on you,” Blaire said, and I shook my head again as I walked out of my bedroom.

“I’m not a child. I’ve been yelled at before.”

Making my way down the hall quietly as to not wake anyone and starting to make my way down the stairs, I stifled a yawn, wishing that I had gotten at least some sleep.

“Andy said this was different. Just hurry up.”

Blaire sounded impatient, and I found it in myself to move a little faster, and while it felt like the staircase and hallway kept getting longer, I finally made it to the front door and unlocked it.

I had no idea what Blaire meant by what she’d said, or what Andy could have meant by saying it was different. All my mind was focusing on was that Leroy had told Andy that I had almost kissed him. That Leroy’s dad had seen us. That they both now knew I was gay.