Page 80 of This is Me

Picture after picture, I felt my heart swell and butterflies swirl around in my stomach. This was what I wanted. Whatever Jordan had with Braden—I wanted it. As much as I only wanted to feel happiness for Jordan, I couldn’t stop the ripple of Jealousy that ran through my body.

“Can I ask a question?” I asked as Jordan closed the photo album, after looking at the last picture of Braden kissing his cheek.

“Ask anything,” Jordan replied with a smile.

“Well, there is more than one…”

“Fire away, Pete.” Jordan chuckled, moving to put the album back where he had gotten it before setting himself back down beside me and leaning back on his elbows.

“Who knows?”

“Everyone. Well, everyone important.”

“So, Blaire knows?”

“She was about the third,” Jordan answered.

“How did you come out?”

“Not as dramatic as you.”

“Oh, har-har,” I drooled, and Jordan laughed.

“I’m kidding, Pete.” Jordan composed himself, and a smile rested on his face. “I think it was really cool. I’m sure there are a lot of people who needed something just like that.”

“Yeah,” I said quietly, feeling my face heat up. “Blaire told me someone at school came out because of that video.”

“Well, there you go.” Jordan gave me a small nudge. “You’re an inspiration.”

Ever since the video had come out, I had wanted someone to talk to about everything. Someone I could confide in. Yes, I had Blaire and Bradly, but they didn’t truly understand. They didn’t understand what was going through my head and what had been going through my head for the past God knows how many years. They didn’t see the struggle and fear of pretending to be someone you’re not. Praying that nobody found out. Praying that nobody looked too closely. The mask I wore was thick. Covered in denial, guilt, and fear. But if someone had looked close enough, they would have seen the cracks. They would have seen hints of who I truly was.

For the longest time, I had wanted to talk about it with someone. Talk about everything, but I’d never had anyone. But now there was Jordan. Someone who had made it. Someone who wasn’t afraid to be themselves and was embracing it. Someone who had proven to me that people like me could find love. Even when it seemed like all odds were against us.

“I could never have done that. I would never have had the courage,” Jordan said, taking in a shaky breath.

“It was all because of a stupid thing.”

“Still… I don’t think I would be handling it as well as you. Everyone knowing. I think you’re doing better than most people would. Personally, I wouldn’t even be able to smile or look people in the eye. I would still be holding my breath.” Jordan paused and looked around his small room before his eyes came back to rest on mine.

“I told my mum when I was fifteen. I had just gotten my ass kicked that day at school for acting gay. When she asked what happened, I told her, and she said I shouldn’t worry what they say and that it only mattered what I thought of myself. And I asked her what if I thought the same thing? What if they were right?

“I came out to her that night because I was too broken to keep putting on a mask. To keep pretending to be something I wasn’t. I came out to her that night because I knew that if I didn’t…”

Jordan paused again and tore his eyes away from mine, looking out his bedroom door and into the distance. As I stared at him and waited for him to continue, I saw a few tears slide out of the corner of his eye. With another shaky breath, Jordan spoke again, still looking away from me.

“I knew that if I didn’t… I wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. Because that wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last time that who I was got me beaten up. I knew that if I didn’t tell her, I wouldn’t be around to tell her.

“See, Pete… you need people in your life you can lean on. People that you can count on and talk to. Because you get lost. Lost in yourself and the lies you tell yourself and others to make it seem like you’re the same. That you’re not different. But that takes away a part of who you are. Every time you put a new mask on and pretend to be something you’re not, you lose another part of yourself. You lose a piece of your identity. I came out to my mother that night because I had already lost enough of myself.”

Jordan finally turned back toward me, tears continuing to stream down his face, and it wasn’t until then that I realised I had tears running down mine.

“Jordan… I’m so sorry,” I managed to get out, my voice cracking with every word.

“Please promise me you’re not going to hide who you are anymore. That you’re not going to lose who you are,” Jordan whispered, and I nodded, letting more tears stream down my face.

“I promise.”

As the words fell from my mouth, Jordan pulled me into a hug. One unlike any I had experienced before. The raw emotion and love that was radiating from him were filled with warmth, and I could feel myself sinking further and further into his embrace.