Page 38 of For I Have Sinned

I feel the rage coming off of her, and I understand exactly what she is feeling. I hate when people would say that these shitty things that happen to good people were all a part of God’s plan. It made me want to rip my hair out.

“I’m so sorry.” I grab her hand in comfort. She glances down, giving my hand a squeeze.

Once we round the corner to the chapel, we let go of each other and head toward the entrance.

“Do we have to sit with Joanna and Bekah?” Esther asks.

“Do you usually?”

“She forces me too. But now that you are here, maybe we can stand up to her together.”

“I’m not sure I want to make enemies.”

When we pass the threshold, Joanna waves her hand for us to come to her. Almost as if she were waiting for our arrival. For a moment, she doesn’t look pleased that Esther and I have arrived together, but she quickly masks the emotion with a smile.

“Enemies in a place of holiness and love?” Esther questions.

“You never know,” I say quietly as we approach the front pews.

“Celine, you can sit by me.” She pats the empty seat beside her, the one closest to the aisle. “Esther, you can sit on the other side of Bekah.”

She is separating us. Esther flashes me a look as if to say, “Next Sunday, we are sitting by ourselves,” and then goes to sit next to Bekah. Joanna loops her arm around mine, and I fight the reaction of pulling away.

Make friends, not enemies.

The chatter around us dies down as Father Alexander steps on stage. The chapel is silent as he sets a Bible and some papers on the podium. He looks out at the crowd, scanning each row to make a connection with every woman in here. His eyes find mine, staying there for a second longer than he did the other women, and then he clears his throat.

“Good morning, and welcome to Prayer,” he greets us, and in unison, the women say good morning to him. “Father Keaton has discussed forgiveness last Sunday, and it is something that we all find ourselves seeking at some point in our lives, but we never dove into the steps you must take in prayer to pursue forgiveness from God.”

He pauses for a moment, letting his words resonate before continuing.

“The first thing you must do is acknowledge your sins. You need to reflect on the words you have spoken or the thoughts and actions that led you to search for this forgiveness.”

His eyes scan to mine, and it makes me hold my breath because it feels like a personal attack. His eyes don’t stay on me for long before he addresses the entire chapel.

“When you pray for forgiveness, it starts with acknowledging those sins and personal failures before God. You must accept these wrongdoings within yourself. Feeling that sincere sorrow for the wrongdoing is vitally important before you can move on to the next step, which is the confession.”

“This involves seeking mercy and expressing remorse, whether that is in prayer with God or by stepping into the confessional booth to speak with Father Keaton or me before having that conversation with God. Once you seek this mercy, you will be spiritually cleansed and restored to your relationship with God.”

“After confessing your sins and receiving forgiveness from Him, you need to stay committed to changing your behavior and keeping your actions and thoughts on the path that God would approve of.”

I swallow hard at his words, the information swirling around in my head like a hurricane. This is the first time that I haven’t gone off into another place in my mind while someone spoke in a church. What is it about Father Alexander that held my attention?

Did his words resonate with me? No, but there was something so hypnotizing about the way he spoke.

A soft-spoken Amen comes from beside me, and I realize it was Joanna. I don’t look in her direction, not wanting to take my eyes off Father Alexander, but I notice the way her arm tightens around mine.

“Don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Don’t feel ashamed to speak with God about your troubles. For He will not judge you,” he offers a kind smile to the women before glancing my way again. “I will not judge you. If you feel the need to confess, I will be in the booth after Father Keaton speaks. Now, let us pray.”

Everyone’s heads fall forward, eyes shut, as they chant the prayer along with Father Alexander. My head remains up, and I spare a glance at Esther, whose head is down, but her lips are not moving.

I look away, focusing my attention on the stage where Father Alexander leads the prayer. Briefly, as he recites something from the Bible, his eyes open and fall on me again. My heart picks up speed, and I quickly bow my head and shut my eyes, pretending to pray along with the rest.

Once he finishes, he gathers his notes and walks off stage, allowing Father Keaton to take over. This time, I do go off into that special place in my head because even though his voice holds as much enthusiasm for what he is discussing, it doesn’t draw me in as Father Alexander’s did.

The rest of Prayer, I stare off into space while Joanna still holds onto my arm, and I count down the seconds until this is over.

Chapter 15