Page 60 of Never Till Now

“Your eyes went blank. Like the other day at the—”

“STOP TALKING!” I throw my hands up. “I don’t need you to pretend to care. You don’t know half the shit I’ve been conditioned for in this life.” My lungs deflate as I wrap my arms around myself. As much as I want to spill my life story out and feel understood, he doesn’t need the burden with the weight of everything he has already found out.

“I won’t judge you.” His voice doesn’t waver. “I won’t tell you to get help or sympathize with your past. I’ll be strictly whatever you want.” His eyes are pleading, making it hard to say no. “I don’t want to set you off.”

He’s cracked the code to my vault and each time we are together, I can’t help but let myself become a bit more vulnerable. I’m finding safety in him. It should make me run like hell, but I can’t. He hasn’t done anything to breach our arrangement. I’ve been strong all my life, and Adam has managed to break through my armor in a short couple of months.

My eyes fall shut and I copy his long breath in.

One, two, three, four.

The four second breath expands my lungs, but they feel like they’re going to burst as I hold the four counts in. His proximity temps me to let go and relish in his therapeutic touch, but I hold myself together.

One, two…

Dammit, fight it, Lauren.

I breathe out early and I lose it. I feel my lips pull down as my jaw tightens. My eyebrows pull together as tears blur my vision. My shoulders jolt up with a silent sob as I clasp my hands together to bring them under my chin. Tears stream down my face, dripping off my chin. I open my mouth to gasp a steady breath, but before I can hold it in, it rushes out with a deep foreign cry. I try to pull myself together, but I fall deeper into my pain.

Adam opens his arms and I melt into his invitation. My shoulders shake and my nose burns while he holds me against his chest. His arm locks around my body, stabilizing me as the other weaves through my hair. He remains silent without a single shh, or an it’s okay. Every time I try to take a breath and regain composure, years of trauma and suppressed tears export themselves. His shirt is soaked as I turn my head to find a dry area. His hand rests on my head as his thumb brushes back and forth. He’s giving me the floor to break the silence.

Through unattractive sniffs, I stare at the fridge handle and recall my past. “Stuart would kiss my shoulder every morning. That’s how I’d wake. He said I needed to be thankful that he loved me more than the others. If I didn’t accept his love and keep quiet, my punishment would be watching him love Zora the way he loved me. I didn’t understand why love hurt, but I knew Zora didn’t need his love at age seven.” I place my hand on the cool counter and take another breath.

“I’d bite my stuffed bear’s leg to muffle the sound. He’d always call himself daddy when he was coming. Then Stuart would kiss my shoulder once more and tell me that one day when I’m a teenager and too old, I’ll be begging him to wake me up the way he used to.” My tears slow but my words pick up fuel. “Love isn’t something I’ve ever known and by what I see, it’s painful to lose. I can’t help but think back to my past and how mistreated I was. I wonder what I did to deserve to have that happen to me.”

What karmic wheel did I put myself on? Am I paying off my mother’s sins?

I take a step back, but he won’t look at me. “Maybe I was a terrible person in my past life.” My chest pinches again as the anxiety pounds in my chest. “What if I was a Mabel to a Stuart?”

Shame hits me as my damaged past sits heavily in this room. I’ve said too much. I’m too damaged for even a casual hookup now. My tainted body is probably more repulsive to him now than the current state of my messy, tearful face. I’ve shown my vulnerable, scared little girl card too soon and I wish I could go back in time. His body faces the counter as his arms rest on the edge of the granite. Adam’s head is turned away as his chin rests on his shoulder. Each second he stays silent, aggravation within me starts to build. The least he can do is look at me before he tells me we are over.

“Adam.” My voice is strong as I move closer to catch a glimpse of eye contact. “You can’t even look at me, can you?” I huff, wiping my blotched face before I turn to leave. “I told you I’m too damaged.”

He turns to me and his arm reaches out, pulling me into him. His damp shirt is cold from my tears. I cringe and place my hand as a barrier between my cheek and his shirt. His chest expands as he takes a deep breath and clears his throat.

Did he just sniffle?

His eyes are glassy as he peers down at me. “You still don’t have any idea how proud this world is of you. I don’t believe you were terrible in a past life.” My teeth tug at my lip and I shrug, unsure. “I know this life gave you a shitty hand, but look what you’ve done with it? Did you end up on the streets like the people you resuscitate? No, you graduated early and are kicking ass in life.”

“Some call it a trauma survival mode. You learn to tune it out as best as you can and stay busy.” I shrug again because it’s true.

“I know you’re well aware of the professional medical help that’s available to you, but I know it’s your choice how you choose to heal.” Adam blinks back a tear and I still can’t figure out how I feel about his reaction. “I will be here to tell you how amazing you are, and will do whatever it takes to keep your demons at bay.”

I nod and look over at our mess on the counter. I really don’t have the energy to cook. I can still feel the dried batter on my body. I could use a shower and a pint of ice cream. As if Adam wasn’t helpful enough, he knew just what to say next.

“Screw cooking. Let’s order room service and I will have them send up melted ice cream.” And just like that, a smile reaches my eyes. “And if you need another memorable shower moment, I’d be happy to help.”

Chapter 18

Adam

I catch a quick work break and hop on a sky gondola through the mountains. The past two days have been draining as hell. The tall trees call out my name and I’m tempted to build a cabin down below and live the simple life. No more numbers and paperwork or the luxury bullshit society makes us think we need to work toward. Accepting what nature has provided us with to get through life seems easy enough for me. To chop wood instead of numbers. I keep my pity party to myself since my family needs me. I allow my thoughts to wander while I’m flying sky-high through the Colorado mountains.

It would be nice to take Lauren here during the burst of fall colors if our arrangement can hang on that long. I haven’t heard from her since I flew out, but she seemed in better spirits after she let her guard down. I’ve never had to bite my tongue so hard to not tell her to go to therapy or let me be the one she leans on. My breath hitches with the thought that I’ve never cared enough to want someone else to want me.

Has she crept into my life, making it more enjoyable? Yes. Has she managed to make me think about her beyond the sheets and crave to know what goes on in her mind? Also, yes. Have I thought about her every free second and wonder what she’s up to? Maybe. Would I do anything she asked to make her demons dissipate? Fuck yes. I’d wake up next to her every morning if that’s what she needed. She makes my life brighter.

I swallow the lump in my throat and ignore the obvious feeling my heart and gut are telling me. My brain has worked hard over the years to develop rules like Lauren has. What we agreed upon works and there is no point in furthering our relationship status beyond what it is. We have lasted this long because of our solid rules. Things have been blurry lines at times, but we can enjoy those moments knowing that it was just the moment.