Page 59 of Never Till Now

Love presented itself as a task and trade.

Manipulation.

Pain.

Love exposed itself to a monster. The word love came in a low grunt when Stuart would come into my room each morning. I’d bite the stuffed bear I loved to muffle my screams. Love taught me to stay quiet so the younger kids wouldn’t experience what I went through each morning. Finally, love presented itself as a house that didn’t hurt me, but still, I wasn’t loved enough to be adopted.

Thanks to Rachel, I channeled love into a power where others could pleasure me.

“Lauren.” I shake my head, coming out of my trance as embarrassment washes over me. Everyone’s eyes focus on me. “Where did your mind go?” Max scrunches his forehead with confusion. “You look distraught.”

My eyes lock with Adam’s and he sees me. I feel anxiety spike through my blood and my neck grows tight. Adam doesn’t say a word but keeps eye contact. There’s comfort in him understanding my demons without having to speak. I look down at James and focus on the attention he is trying to get from me. He is now barefoot with an accomplished smile on his face.

“Doo-doo-dooo,” he sings, waving his new sock puppet hand around. I hope he never knows the cruelty of the world.

I have no idea how long I’d been staring in a trance, reliving horrors, but it was long enough to cause concern. I don’t need people worrying about me, so I smile down at him and clap my hands.

“Good job. I love your sock puppet.” I can handle things on my own and I don’t need to gather a group of people to join the pity party.

“Lauren and I should get back to cooking,” Adam speaks up. “You kids have fun at the park.” He bends down to say goodbye.

“Daddy’s coming in the morning.” Mallory’s words make my stomach internally churn bile, but no one needs to know that trigger.

Adam’s head shoots up as his jaw tightens. His glare toward Kelsie is chilling, but she shrugs her shoulders with a half smile.

“Enjoy your trip to Aspen,” Kelsie sings out. “I think Max should join you.”

“Not a chance in hell.” Max places his hand on Kelsie’s lower back as they walk out.

Adam’s eyes burn through them with a darkness I’ve never seen. “Do you think they’re—” I change the subject with my implication, trying to break the tension.

“That’s my best friend and sister,” he cuts me off and looks to the kitchen. “Max goes for every chick that doesn’t look like my sister. I’m surprised he didn’t try to pick you up the first night.” He tosses a pepper chunk at my left shoulder playfully.

No, not that shoulder.

“Okay, then.” I turn on the stove and feel a phantom wiggle on my left shoulder.

Sometimes I can’t pinpoint what triggers the feeling, but when it starts, it’s hard to ignore. The press of ghosted lips that woke me every morning resurfaces and my nails rake over the spot. My breathing creates a shallow staccato rhythm as I battle to satiate my lungs with a full breath. I rub my shoulder harder as a chill breaks through my body. I turn away, hoping to go unnoticed as my head fogs with the start of a flashback. Large hands cup my face, and Adam towers over me.

“Lauren.” Adam holds my face in place as his head lowers to level our eye contact. “Do you smell the burning oil? How about the orange sesame sauce on my fingers?”

My eyes squeeze shut with desperation to focus on Adam’s voice and the smell, but staggered breaths continue as my shoulder feels the haunting lips.

“Focus on my thumbs brushing over your cheekbones and breathe in for four seconds.” I do as he says. “Good, now hold it for four and release it on a four count.” He nods as I comply. “Good girl. Do it a few more times.”

My nerves settle, but my heartbeat thumps loudly through my ears. Embarrassment fills me. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, being human?” Adam shakes his head. “I don’t know what was going through your mind, but I hope it wasn’t me who set you off.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“Lauren.” His voice drops with concern.

“Don’t, Adam. We have a good thing going between us.” I hear my voice break at the end and want to run out of the building.

“If it was me, how can I avoid setting you off next time? Was it my family walking in unannounced?”

“No.” I’ve fought these battles alone my entire life. I don’t need Adam trying to be my charming white knight.