Page 76 of Never Till Now

I switch to autopilot, going through the necessary steps and tests to keep Ava safe. Her confession was made to the right people, but not without protest and doubt from her guardian. You can’t argue or lie with lab results. Ava had indeed been sexually abused, assaulted and mistreated beyond what her hospital visits brought her here for.

“He won’t hurt you anymore.” I fight to keep my voice strong and wrap Ava in a hug.

“Thank you.” Her arms lightly wrap around me, but she can’t relax into the hug. “Can I go home with you?”

I glance up at the social worker, knowing the answer. “I wish you could, honey.” I never thought about fostering, but in this moment, I wish I could bring her home with me. “I gave your caseworker my phone number and we can arrange a time to go out.” I pull back and bend down to her level. “We can plan a girls’ day. Shopping, manicures, ice cream and whatever you want to do.”

“Promise?” Her eyes light up for the first time I’ve seen.

“I never make a promise I can’t keep.”

“Because you were like me.” Her voice fades out.

“We are more alike than you think.” I squeeze her hands. “That is how I know you’re a strong fighter, like I am. I’m proud of you. Today wasn’t easy.” I pull her in for another hug. “You’re going to do great things for this world, Ava Rose.”

“I bet you’re the best mom in the world.” Ava smiles and steps toward her caseworker. “Or you will be one day.”

“Have a good night, Lauren.” The caseworker gives me a nod before placing her hand on Ava’s shoulder to guide her down the hall.

I exhale, letting my shoulders deflate and turn around to a bunch of staff who start applauding. I force a smile and head to my spot to gather my belongings. The applause feels unnecessary. I’m just doing my job. The real person who deserves the claps is the little girl who just walked out of here with her head held high and cheeks void of tears. I head out of the hospital, knowing I need to blow off steam before I completely lose it.

I make it to my fitness class just in time tonight. I change and head straight into the circuit room, only to find Max setting up the class instead of Adam. My lungs seize as my ribs cave in. I want to retreat back out the door and find the one person who can handle or prevent my oncoming spiral.

“Lauren!” Kelsie calls out and waves me over.

I guess tonight, it’s up to me to fight the weight of my emotional control. I twist my pinkie ring and walk to the space next to her.

“Hey, Kelsie. Is Adam not teaching?”

“No, he had a bad headache and offered to watch a movie with the kids if Max filled in.” She shakes her head. “Men have no idea the pain we work through every month during our periods.”

I laugh, pushing the past few hours to the back of my mind and follow Max as he warms up the class. My body is exhausted, but I throw as much power as I can into each circuit. I see Kelsie eyeing me then exchange glances with Max. It isn’t until the last station when Kelsie speaks up.

“How was work today? You seem distant.”

Most of this class had been spent detached from everything except the energy put forth to the fitness task at hand. Ava’s trauma rings through my ears, taking me back to the life I once endured.

“Difficult.” I decide not to lie but I make sure to avoid her eyes.

I continue to throw the medicine ball up and squat until my muscles burn with a silent, screaming plea. My jaw aches as I clench my teeth and inhale, pushing myself until I physically break. The sting throughout my body is the pain I’m choosing to cause. My reminder that I’m in charge of what my body can feel. Kelsie says something, but I’m too zoned in to listen or respond. I shut the world out around me and continue to throw the ball up until it doesn’t come back down. My vision blurs as I stumble back. Small hands catch my waist and guide me to the floor. I blink, waiting for the dizziness to subside and my vision to focus. I feel a drop on my chest and it’s then I realize my vision is blurred from tears.

I wipe my eyes and see the class clearing out. I sniffle to pull myself together and go to stand.

“Just sit for a moment, Laur.” The gentle touch from Kelsie rubbing my back should feel comforting, but I tense the same way Ava had when I embraced her. “Take a deep breath.” I take the water bottle she holds out with a shaky hand.

“Thank you.” I chug half the bottle, feeling even more sick to my stomach. “I’m fine. I should get going.” With all my willpower, I stand up, gather my bag and make it halfway down the empty hallway before turning to the nearby garbage can.

My stomach contents flow into the trash, burning my throat.

My body shakes as I grip the round metal rim, silently cursing my involuntary reaction to trauma. Tears fill my eyes and I’m thankful this hallway is empty. Guilt seeps through me for vomiting inside a building. Let alone one that Max’s parents own. I feel Kelsie’s hand rub circles on my back. I look up to blink the dizziness away as Adam rounds the corner with a look of concern. I straighten but keep a hand on the garbage for support.

“I heard you were quite the energizer bunny tonight.” Adam pulls me to his chest, and I find comfort leaning into his touch.

“Who is watching the kids?” My voice kicks up an octave, remembering Kelsie’s words.

Adam holds me tighter, and I feel his chin brush back and forth on top of my head.

“They are with my mom. They should be the least of your worries.” He kisses my head as I pull back. “Kelsie sent me a text saying you were working out hard after having a difficult day at work.”