Page 43 of Burn Me Down

Her words were on a loop in my head as we walked toward the house. This explained so much of what I couldn’t put my finger on when it came to Beck, like why I was instantly drawn to her. She had the same sweet and loving nature and the identical sass. She was so much like Dora, right down to her grey eyes that, despite the color, held more warmth than I’d ever known.

I helped Beck sit down at the small kitchen table, and she stared around in shock. I’d already made a pot of coffee and quickly poured two cups before sitting one in front of her. Beck wrapped her hands around the mug, her pain-filled eyes finding mine.

“Please tell me what happened.”

“One second.” I walked over to the table in the living room and the family photo I’d found in the shed. It felt like so long ago now. Picking up the frame, I brought it to the table and placed it in front of her. Tears burst from Beck’s eyes as she stared at the picture of her grandmother, mother, and herself.

“Oh my god,” she whispered, running her fingers over the glass.

I licked my lips. “When I escaped the hospital, I had nowhere to go. The only place that had people who were nice to me was a farm about five minutes down the road from here. They treated Asher and me well, so that was where I headed. I didn’t know what to expect, but they’d passed on, and the property was sitting vacant, so I moved in.” I left out the part where I found their bodies in the bedroom together.

“The property needed work, so I started fixing it up, and that was when I met Dora for the first time.” I smiled at the memory. “I was trying to hide my face from her, but she clucked her tongue at me and narrowed her eyes, not letting me get away with hiding. I’ll never forget what she said. ‘Well, whatever got you, boy, it did a fine job, but you’re still as handsome as sin. Don’t think I didn’t see you trying to hide your face like you should be ashamed.’”

Beck laughed and covered her mouth as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her cheeks. “That sounds exactly like the woman I remember.”

“She just…she sorta took me in. I didn’t know until later that she’d been friends of the family Asher and I stayed with and was going to try to adopt us. I ruined that when I was sent to jail, which ended up being the hospital. I tried to say no to her, but Dora was a hard woman to say no to, and she was sly like a fox when it came to getting what she wanted.” Beck giggled and picked up the picture, holding it to her chest.

“All of her friends were already dead, and as you know, she didn’t speak to her family. Your grandfather had passed away years earlier, but she refused to move. She needed help around the house, and I took her to the market. She even gave me her old truck.”

“Oh my god, the 1959 Ford F-100? I remember that truck. My grandfather loved taking me for rides when I visited,” she said, and I smiled.

“Do you still have it?”

I nodded. “Yes, but it’s tarped and hidden from sight. The cops are looking for it.”

“Oh,” she said, and I could see the sadness, but she didn’t get upset which made me feel horrible. “Soo tell what happened?”

“I don’t really know. It was most likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. I wasn’t here at the time.” I swallowed, hating to think about that night or the days after when I’d been too ashamed to show my face. “When I came to see her, I knew something was wrong. The house was way too quiet. I found her and….” I looked away from Beck and closed my eyes. My heart hurt with the thought of Dora and how I’d failed her. “I knew she wasn’t doing well. She had the beginnings of dementia or something, and I should’ve paid more attention to her, but I was wrapped up in my own shit.” I tapped the side of my head.

“And you couldn’t go to the police because you’re a fugitive. So what, you saw it as an opportunity?”

I glared at Beck. “No.”

She looked down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I know you’re not like that now, but I don’t know what you were like then.”

That was fair enough. It wasn’t like I was in a great head space. Reaching out, I took her hand, and my heart warmed when she didn’t pull away.

“I’ll show you what she left me.” Getting up, I walked to the bedroom and pulled out the box with all the paperwork from Dora. Laying on top of the pile was a simple wallet and I picked it up and stared at it before flipping it open. This was the wallet from the guy I killed in the park. The ID said Mark Grady. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place from where. Why had I even kept this? I heard Beck a moment before her shadow stretched into the bedroom from the doorway. The wallet would have to wait. I tossed it back into the box.

“I just can’t get over how everything looks the same. Right down to the wallpaper.” Beck touched the wall lovingly, and I decided I hated seeing her cry and never wanted her to cry again. She was too beautiful to have tears in her eyes.

“Here you go.” I held out the note that Dora had left for me. Taking it from my fingers, she walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed.

I’d read it so many times that it was committed to memory, but I watched Beck closely as she read the words.

My Dear Boy Derek,

I wanted to write you this letter so that there is nothing I’ve left unsaid to you, and with my muddled brain, I can barely remember the day, let alone a conversation, anymore. I know we’re not family, but I feel like you’re my son, and although I never said it out loud, I want you to know I love you as if you were my own flesh and blood.

I’d always seen you, the shy boy in pain living under the rude teen protecting himself with harsh words and a harsher attitude. There are only two things I regret in this world. The first one is not pushing harder to find you when you were taken from the Giltberts. You needed someone to fight for you, and it will haunt me until the day I die that I didn’t push. The little you’ve told me about your time at the hospital breaks my heart, but I still see you, and you’re still that little boy lashing out at an unjust world. I won’t tell you to stop because you wouldn’t listen even if I did, but I want you to know that there is another way, and that one day, someone is going to pull you out of the pain you are in. Just don’t let others define you or tell you who or what you are. You’re so much more than that.

The only other thing I regret in this life is not reconnecting with my daughter and my granddaughter, Rebecca. For all my big talk, it has taken me a long time to stop being scared to reach out to others and get over my own ego, and I guess I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have. Find your brother, reach out to him, and heal the wounds that lie between you. You are each other’s only family now, and all you have left. Don’t make light of that.

I wish I had great pearls of wisdom to pass on to you, but I think you already know what path you must walk. I just hope that whatever time we have left together, you know that knowing you has brought some of the happiest and most special moments of my life to me.

If you’re reading this, I’m most likely already dead and gone or my brain is so lost that I no longer know my own name. I know you promised not to let me live like that, and I thank you for that. It meant the world to me to know that I wouldn’t end up staring at a wall with shit in my pants. Don’t laugh. I know you just pictured it.

You will find on the next page all the information you will ever need to get into my bank accounts and make it look like I’m still alive. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I can’t just put your name on the accounts when everyone thinks you’re dead, my boy, now can I? Besides, by this point, I’m pretty sure you are past caring what is right and wrong.