Page 73 of Burn Me Down

REBECCA

“Ah.” The sting on my cheek felt like I’d been slapped by a brick. I opened my eyes and screamed as Derek dragged me from bed and slammed me up against the wall.

“Derek, stop. What are you doing?” I pulled at his arm, but the sexy muscles that I loved were flexed tight and held me like I was an insect pinned to a board. Terror gripped me as I looked at his face and realized that despite his eyes being open, he wasn’t seeing me. I didn’t know what delusion had him, but all I saw was hatred and a frenzy swirling in his blue eyes.

“I will never think of you again,” he snarled, his fist tightening on my tank top. I screamed and raised my arms as his fist came for my face. The blow deflected off my arm and banged into the wall beside my head, but the second one caught my lip as I tried to dodge out of the way.

“Derek, stop,” I cried as he pulled me away from the wall and slammed me up against it again. I was a ragdoll in his hold. The true strength of who he could be and what he could do was literally gripping me. I realized that I’d never really been scared of him until this moment when he didn’t see my face.

“I’ll kill you for touching Beck. No one hurts her, no one,” he yelled. I shuddered and jerked in his hold. There was no telling who he thought had me, but it would be a fucking terrifying and ironic way to die at the hands of the man who thought he was protecting me.

I smacked at his arms and yelled his name, but that only seemed to enrage him more. Derek released my shirt but grabbed me by the throat, and tears fell from my eyes. I couldn’t breathe, and I tried to fight off the panic. I’d seen episodes like this at the hospital, and my brain raced as I tried to think of how to pull him out of it.

“I’m going to kill you,” he growled, lifting me onto my tiptoes.

“Der…ek,” I managed to force out. “Der…ek, please.” Pain exploded in my chest, the burning sensation intensifying to unbearable levels as I tried to breathe. Using the last bit of air in my lungs, I tried one last time. “Der…ek.” I stopped trying to fight and reached out, touching the side of his face, my fingers trying to coax him back to me.

He shook his head, and black dots floated around behind my eyes. Derek blinked and looked at his arm, and I could tell he was coming out of it. Hope soared as his grip loosened, and I was able to suck in a tiny breath. But as his eyes met mine, a new fear gripped me. I could feel him like he was an extension of myself, and the horror that filled his eyes mixed with so much self-loathing that it hurt worse than when I couldn’t breathe.

“Oh fuck,” he said. Derek immediately let go, and he stumbled back, his eyes going wide as he stared at his hands. I dropped to the ground, coughing, but tried to get it under control before he retreated away from me. I knew he would, and I feared that he would burrow himself so deep or run so far that I’d never get him back.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry.” He stared at his hands, his body shaking. “Beck, I’m so sorry, I…I…I….”

“Derek, it’s okay,” I said but was forced to cough as my throat continued to burn. I held out my hand, trying to get him to come to me rather than away, but he ran backward and smacked into the wall, knocking a picture to the floor. He didn’t seem to notice as he focused on my hand and then my eyes.

“Don’t touch me, I…oh my god.”

“Derek, stop. Breathe.” I slowly stood, and tears filled his eyes as he ran out of the room. A second later, the bathroom door banged shut.

“No, Derek.” I ran after him and tried the door, but he’d locked me out. “Derek, open the door.”

“No, go away, Beck. Go home, go to Violet and Asher, but never come here again. I’m a monster. I’m the very thing I hated.”

“That’s not true. You didn’t know it was me. I could see it in your eyes.” I banged on the door. “Derek, please don’t do this.”

“I can’t hurt you again, Beck, I just can’t….” I could hear him break down in sobs that squeezed my heart, and I slid down the door to my knees, placing my forehead against the cool wood.

“Derek, don’t close yourself off like this. Don’t push me away. I’m begging you. I love you.”

“You can’t love a monster, Beck. No matter how hard I try, I will always be the demon born from hell, and I will end up hurting you or killing you at some point. Vi is right, I can’t be trusted,” Derek’s voice sounded so dejected, and I wasn’t going to let him do this. No more was he going to blame himself or shut down.

Spinning around, I placed my back against the wall and slammed my feet off the door. The old door groaned, and the hinges rattled—bang, bang, bang. The wood cracked. I didn’t care if my feet bled. I was getting inside this bathroom.

With a yell that would wake the dead, I kicked again, and the wood splintered before banging open. Scampering around before he could close the door and block me, I crawled into the bathroom. The tears were automatic as soon as I saw him curled up in the old bathtub.

“Go away, Beck,” he said as I crawled closer. His voice shook as much as his large body, and the scars hidden under the tattoos had never been clearer.

“No, I’m not going anywhere.” I touched his shoulder, and he flinched like I’d hit him.

“How can you stand to be near me? I almost killed you,” he said, choking on a sob. “Leave. You need to run until I can never find you. I should’ve known better than to think I could be anything different. This was always going to be me no matter how hard I try.”

Standing, I stepped into the tub, and Derek curled up into a tighter ball, his head buried under his arms.

I pulled on him. “Look at me.” He shook his head. “Derek, look at me right now or so help me. I am going to…I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do, but you won’t like it,” I growled.

“Beck, please go away.”

“No. Was it all a lie when you said you loved me?”