Page 74 of Burn Me Down

He lifted his head. “Of course not. Why do you think I’m in here? I love you so much that I can hardly breathe thinking about what I almost did to you.” His eyes searched mine as if pleading to understand. “Look at your face. I hit you. No, I refuse to hurt you ever again. I promised I wouldn’t, and I did. I can’t be trusted.” He looked at the door. “Go before something else happens that I can’t control.”

“If you love me, then fight,” I said, cupping his face.

“Fight who? I….”

“Fight for us. Don’t run away, this is not you.”

“But, Beck….”

“No, you listen to me. I see the real you. I have from the moment we met. Do you know what you said in there? You said that you wouldn’t let whoever you were fighting hurt me. Even in your sleep, you were protecting me.”

“But what good is that when I do something like grab you?” He slowly shook his head. “What if I succeeded? What if I didn’t let go? I won’t be my father. I never wanted to become him. It’s why I killed them. I tried to destroy that part of me, but it never left, and he’s in me still.”

“Not true. Derek, you can’t stop fighting now. Not when you’re so close to happiness. Do you not want a future with me?”

“Yes, I want everything with you. Everything I never thought I could have.”

“Then we will get through this together. You’re not a monster. It is called PTSD, Derek. Do you know how many soldiers have gone through the same thing? They can’t shut it off any more than you can, but there are ways to help. Please, don’t push me away. Shutting down is the worst thing you can do.” I wiped away the tears that were still running down his cheeks. “I love you. I love you with my whole being, and I’m not the type to scare easily or run. As long as you love me, you’re stuck with me. Do you understand? I’m not going anywhere, not ever.”

We just stared at one another. The seconds passed like years as I waited for him to respond. His body stopped shaking, and he reached for me, pulling me into his lap as we held one another.

“You’re crazy, Beck. You might be crazier than me,” he said, and I smiled. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do,” I said and kissed him hard, not caring about the bite of pain in my lip. I would take it a million times again. It was so easy to see he’d never had anyone fight for him, but he’d never met anyone like me.

Rebecca

“Come on before I’m paralyzed in this position,” I teased and slowly pulled myself up out of the tub. Grabbing Derek’s hand, I gave him a little tug, and with a deep sigh, he followed. As soon as he stepped out, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight. Derek buried his face into the side of my neck, and even though I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore for this man, it did again as he spoke.

“You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I don’t know why you were placed in my path, and all I know is that you deserve someone who can give you the stars rather than flames, but I love you, and I’m more thankful than you will ever know to have you in my corner. You’ve saved my soul, Beck, and I thought it was beyond saving.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and held him tighter. “Will you make me breakfast? I’d love pancakes with some fresh fruit.” Pulling back, I looked at the shower. “I need a quick rinse.”

“Sure, I’ll do some bacon, too.”

I smiled. “Thank you.”

Derek walked out, and I grabbed a change of clothes and a couple of towels. I heard the sliding door as he went outside to get the fruit and slipped into the kitchen, as quietly as I could, to grab a bag of frozen peas.

The old wooden door to the bathroom still closed even if it wouldn’t lock, and I stripped down and turned on the water. Grabbing the peas, I stepped into the tub and pulled the curtain across before holding the bag to the bruised and now swelling side of my face. I couldn’t let him see me do this. Derek would fold in on himself all over again, and he needed to keep making strides forward, not backward.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying to settle myself down and let the frozen peas help ease the aching. It was now, in the quiet of the emotional aftermath, that I started to shake. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how close I’d come to death. One clean blow to the head, or a few seconds longer without air, and that would’ve been it, but I knew it wasn’t intentional. The question was, how did I stop it from happening again?

Closing my eyes, I let the spray beat down on my skin and didn’t move until the peas had thawed and were no longer helpful. My whole body felt numb. I quickly washed, and as I stepped out of the shower, I could only hope that Derek hadn’t run. I pulled on my clothes and used a little of the makeup I grabbed last night at the apartment to cover the rest of the dark marks around my lip and eye. I didn’t even know when that happened. There was some anti-inflammatories in the cabinet abover the sink and I swallowed a couple down, before leaving the bathroom.

The house was quiet, too quiet. I could tell before I ever made it to the kitchen that Derek wasn’t inside, but I could smell bacon, so he had been. Tossing the peas into the freezer, I spotted the plate of bacon and bowl of batter ready to go. Where was he?

I grabbed my phone, knowing that I couldn’t go to work looking like this, and I certainly didn’t want to leave Derek after such a terrible episode. I dialed in and left a message letting them know I would be speaking to HR and taking a leave of absence. My boss was going to lose her mind, and I might get fired, but some things were more important.

Derek was still nowhere to be seen when I hung up. I rounded the corner to the living room when something caught my eye.

When did he get a fish tank? Why hadn’t I noticed it before? I took a step closer and screamed, running backward at the sight of the massive spider inside.

The sliding door flew open with a bang, and Derek stood in the doorway looking like he was ready to wrestle a bear. I pointed at the tank.

“What is that thing doing in here? Has it been here the whole time? Oh my god, I slept near it.”

Derek smiled, and if I weren’t so terrified, I would’ve been happy to see that smirk. “Don’t laugh. I see you wanting to laugh. This is serious.”