Page 52 of We Shouldn’t Do This Again

“What do you want, Lidia?” she whispers, each word vibrating against my lips.

The question catches me off guard, even though it shouldn’t. I fall silent for a second, feeling my heartbeat quicken again. “What do I want?” I know getting back together with her is crazy. After so much pain, so many years apart, broken promises, and nights when I thought I’d never lie beside her again… what’s happening between us is insane. But it’s a sweet, perfect kind of madness, the kind that makes you feel alive again. I don’t want anything else. I don’t want the calm Alex offers me, no matter how much I appreciate it. I want this blend of fire and tenderness that only Barbara knows how to give me. I want her hands on my skin, her laughter in my ear, the way she looks at me like I’m the center of her universe.

“I want to spend the rest of my life by your side,” I finally reply, my voice low but steady, full of all the emotions swelling inside me. “I want to wake up tomorrow and still find you here, naked and tangled up with me. I want us to walk along the beach without hiding, to laugh at the same stupid things, and when night falls, to lose ourselves in each other again. I want to feel that this isn’t a mistake, Barbara. That this is what we were always meant to be. I never stopped loving you. Not for a single day. And I’ve realized that breaking up was the stupidest decision we ever made.”

She looks at me in silence for a moment that feels endless. Her eyes fill with something I can’t quite decipher, and then she nods with a smile that doesn’t fully reach her eyes but still lights up her whole face.

“Then let it be that way,” she says simply, though her voice cracks slightly at the end, as if the same emotions overwhelming me are trapping her too. “You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of hearing you say that. These past two years… I tried convincing myself I could move on without you, but every time I closed my eyes, it was you I saw. And…” She pauses, the silence stretching longer than it should as she gathers her thoughts. “Now, after feeling you again… damn, my hands are shaking just thinking about it.”

The heat between us rises again. Not like before. Slower this time, deeper, like a tide steadily pulling us under. Her hand glides down my back, tracing my spine, and I shiver. The night breeze slips in again, cool and salty, contrasting with the warmth of her body pressed against mine.

I snuggle closer, resting my head in the crook of her neck. I breathe in her skin, that scent of sea salt and us, and close my eyes for a moment. I remember the nights years ago in Valencia, when we’d lie like this after making love and the world seemed to stop turning. Back then there were silences like this too, sweet and heavy with promises left unspoken. Now, in Ukulhas beneath the Maldivian stars, I feel the circle closing. As if all the pain, the doubts, and the running away were only leading us back here.

“You know this isn’t going to be easy, right?” I murmur against her neck, because I need to say it out loud even though I don’t want to break the spell. “Everything that happened in our lives is still out there. But for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can finally be myself again, without pretending I’m okay when I’m not.” It’s as if every wall I spent years building has suddenly collapsed. And it hurts a little, you know? It hurts remembering how much we suffered, the emptiness I felt when everything disappeared.

“Tonight is ours. We’ll think about the rest tomorrow. Right now I just want to be here with you, Lidia. Like before. Better than before. And yes, it hurts. It hurts me too remembering all those mornings when I woke up wondering why I didn’t fight harder for us. But now… now that I have you here, all that pain turns into something good. Proof that what we had never really died.”

Her words fill my eyes with tears I refuse to let fall. I blink quickly and smile, though emotion tightens my throat.

“You’re impossible,” I whisper, lifting my head to look into her eyes. “But I love that after everything, you’re still the only person who makes me feel this way.” Earlier, it felt like the past and present collided. Like we’d never been apart. I don’t know how I ever convinced myself I could replace you with something calmer. Alex is good, she’s stable… but you’re my storm, Barbara. And I need you to feel alive.

She kisses my forehead, then my nose, and finally my lips. The kiss lingers, becoming wetter, more demanding. Desire stirs in my stomach again, slow but unstoppable. Her fingers tangle in my hair once more, tugging gently to tilt my head back and deepen the kiss. My body reacts instinctively, pressing closer to hers, craving the contact I need so badly.

“What if I told you I need your storms too?” she murmurs against my mouth, her voice breaking. “That these years without you felt like living in black and white, and today, touching you again, everything came back in color? Lidia, I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want fear to beat us again.”

Her words crack something open inside me. I brush the back of my hand over her cheek and notice her eyes shining too.

“We’re not going to lose it,” I promise, my voice rough with emotion. “Not this time. We’re going to fight for us, even if it means rebuilding our lives from scratch. There’s no turning back anymore. I love you, Barbara. I love you with everything I am, with all my scars and with the insane desire to do all over again what we did a little while ago.”

The night is still young. The breeze keeps drifting through the windows, cooling our overheated skin. The sea murmurs outside, oblivious to everything. And we… we’re here, in this bungalow, rediscovering each other as if it were the very first time. I know tomorrow we’ll have to face reality. But right now, with Barbara in my arms and her heart beating against mine, this is all I want. I want time to stop for just a little longer.

I pull back just enough to breathe and look at her. Her eyes are dark with desire again, but also full of something softer, more real.

“Stay with me tonight…” I murmur, lost in her gaze. “And tell me everything that’s happened during all the years I missed. I want to feel like we were never apart, like it was all just a nightmare we’ve finally woken up from.”

Barbara presses her forehead against mine and sighs softly.

“I’ll tell you everything. But first… first I want to kiss you and feel you again.”

The heat rises between us once more. Her hands slide down my back, pulling me closer. My breathing quickens. And as I kiss her again, deeper and slower, I know this is only the beginning of something neither of us will be able to stop.

CHAPTER 27

THE LIFE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT

Barbara

Waking up next to her has become a dangerous habit. Not because of what it means, but precisely because of how easy it is to get carried away, how simple it is to surrender to this warmth surrounding me as if the whole world had stopped just for the two of us.

I open my eyes slowly, and that warm feeling clings to my skin, as if something inside me has finally found a place to rest in complete calm. For a few seconds, I think about nothing: not London, not Valencia, not the decisions still lurking in some dark corner of my mind. I just feel her. I just breathe her in. Lidia is lying on her back, her messy hair spilling over her bare shoulders. The sheet barely covers her, and the soft morning light glides over her skin, tracing golden lines that make me want to stay there forever, staring at her as though time belonged to us. Lidia shifts slightly, as if sensing my gaze even with her eyes closed, and searches for my hand beneath the sheets until she finds it.

I close my eyes for a moment because that simple squeeze is everything. And that’s the problem. It shouldn’t feel this right, this inevitable. It shouldn’t be so easy to forget the rest of the world when I’m with her. But it is. And in that instant, as her hand tightens around mine with that blind trust, remorse rises fiercely in my chest. I think about Ingrid, about the other life I have far from here, about the lies I’ve been spinning for days to keep all of this intact. “I’m with two women at the same time. I’m lying to both of them. And everything—absolutely everything—I’m doing for my own selfish reasons.” The thought twists my stomach. How can I look at Lidia with so much love in my eyes while keeping this secret that’s eating me alive inside? I know I truly love her, that she’s the woman I want, but that’s exactly why I’m trying to protect her from the truth. I don’t want her to suffer again. I don’t want this bubble we’ve built to burst because of me. Right now, the remorse weighs more heavily than love; it crushes my chest and leaves me breathless, and even so, I don’t let go of her hand. Because letting go would mean admitting that all of this is a mistake.

“Good morning…” she murmurs, her voice still thick with sleep.

I can’t help smiling, even though inside me there’s a knot tightening more and more.

“Good morning,” I reply softly, trying to keep my tone light and normal, as if I weren’t fighting against a tide of guilt threatening to drown me.