Page 26 of No Darker Temptation

Karina laughs so hard she wheezes which only makes us laugh more. She picks up a napkin and furiously fans her face so that the tears along her waterline dry up.

The laughter dies down but my grip on her hands never wavers.

“Are you happy, Kay?”

When she smiles, I know her fate is sealed. “I’ve never been happier.”

WHEREVER YOU ARE, ALWAYS

Dahlia

Karina smiles for the camera as Brent smears buttercream on her cheek.

She laughs and does the same, pushing a spoonful of red velvet cake against his lips, and the cameraman captures this moment of marital bliss.

Once the photos are done I slip away from the crowd and step outside to catch my breath.

Out on the loggia, blue and white lights are strung across the low ceilings and wrapped around the marble columns, reflecting against the layer of snow covering the estate. Near pearlescent under the moonlight, I reach out and gather a handful of snow from the ledge. I watch as each flake dissolves into my satin glove before a gust of brutal wind hits and whatever’s left flies away.

Now that the wedding is beginning to die down and the music and chatter drops to an intimate hush, I find my mind wandering. Karina’s wedding feels more like an ending than a new beginning and another chapter in my life comes to an involuntary close. From here on out, a chasm will grow between us, the closeness we once enjoyed descending into the depths of memory where I will become the afterthought in her life instead of the force propelling us forward.

Relationships are important to Karina and so is family. She’ll try her best for a while but very quickly, she’ll find herself stretched too thin. Brent has always wanted her all to himself and maybe I shouldn’t be engaging in a fight over my cousin’s attention with her new husband but dread lingers in my chest like a weight restricting my lungs’ ability to expand. The dread grows stronger, heavier, until it sinks to the pit of my stomach and eventually slithers down my legs where it wraps itself around my ankles, my new ball and chain. I should be happy for her but all I feel is regret for not having spoken up sooner. Was I wrong for keeping this to myself? Or was it better not to corrupt her with doubt, lest that turn her against me?

I try not to dwell on it too much. What’s done is done and all I can do going forward is hope my suspicions in regards to Brent’s fidelity were unfounded.

Would I feel differently if Karina was marrying someone else? Maybe. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe either way, I’d be bitter and jealous because someone else would be monopolizing the love and time of the only person in the world who actually gives a damn about me. And that’s selfish because it isn’t Karina’s responsibility to be everything for me that I need. She deserves her own happiness and my role is to be a part of that happiness, not the source of it. Brent is her family now and as painful as it is to be pushed down in rank, I have to accept it. Karina is building the life she wants for herself and I should do the same.

I reach into my purse and pull out my phone. Over a dozen Instagram notifications greet me on the home screen, all of them photos from the wedding. Some are candids taken by the guests and others were posted by the wedding party. No calls and no new messages.

Realization hits me with the full force of its clarity. I don’t want to live in New York anymore. I don’t want to be second in anyone’s life and I most certainly don’t want to sit on the sidelines and watch as everyone builds the lives of their dreams while I live in stagnancy. Fear clouded my judgement before but there’s no escaping it. Change is terrifying, debilitating, life-altering. But it’s also freeing.

I want to feel the way I did over the summer. Kidnapped or not, those first few weeks in Barcelona and the last few in the villa changed something in me. My time there was freeing, exhilarating, if not a little terrifying but perhaps in the best way possible. I want to be around people who make me feel that way all the time in a city where I can start from scratch and carve out a new path for myself. Not follow the same one I laid out when I was seventeen, inexperienced, and lived in fear of the world instead of embracing it.

More than anything, the last three months have been torture. I don’t want to live an ocean away from the man I love anymore. And that isn’t going to change anytime soon—not unless I do something about it.

I check the time in Barcelona—seven a.m. He should be awake already so I send a text.

Everything came together beautifully

I attach a few photos of Karina and the rest of the bridal party and hit send. A few minutes pass with no response. I can’t decide if I should panic or be annoyed. Noise from the ballroom catches my attention and I turn around to see what’s happening. Blue and purple lights spill out onto the hallway floor and the first notes of “Don’t Stop Believin’” start playing. Eight times in one night. Must be a record.

Unfortunately, the party doesn’t look like it’s coming to an end anytime soon

To my surprise, Brent’s side are party animals. And heavy drinkers?!?! I saw an eighty-year-old woman finish half a bottle of bourbon by herself and she’s still standing straight.

I want to be her when I’m older

Another few minutes pass.

Maybe now that all of this is over you can come visit?

Or not, it’s totally fine. I know you must be busy with everything going on at work…

Maybe I could visit…?

When you wake up, call me, I’ll probably still be awake

I startle when the song reaches an unimaginable volume, beat only by the sound of at least fifty people screaming the chorus in unison. I move further down the loggia toward the garden, eager to get away from the party behind me.