Page 66 of No Greater Oblivion

“Yes, but we made the decision to go to Columbia together and you fucking abandoned me!”

The sharp spike in my voice surprises even me. Beni’s head whips around and he looks like he’s about to step out of the car but I give a little shake of the head. He settles back in his seat, only this time, he doesn’t take his eyes off us.

Lyss whispers, “I didn’t mean to abandon you.”

“Well, you did!” I snap and even the anger in my voice can’t hide the way it cracks. “If you had just…if you had told me the truth. I could’ve prepared for it. I’d have been angry at first, yes, but I wouldn’t have felt as betrayed as I did the moment I found out. And from Becca Pugh of all people, she was just dying to rub it in my face.”

“Really? Becca Pugh?”

“I don’t care, she was mean to me all of sophomore year because her boyfriend had a crush on me, and I still hate her!”

Lyss tucks an auburn curl behind her ear. “Dahlia, I didn’t say anything because I was afraid. For Christ’s sake, I was seventeen years old, about to make the biggest decision of my life. And yes. At the last minute, I switched and didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to be convinced otherwise. Not by you, my parents, or anyone. I wanted it to be a choice I made for myself after a lifetime of letting other people choose for me.

“Of course I wanted us to stay together. But Columbia was never my dream; it was yours. I was sick of New York, of the neighborhood, of my family. Everything. I wanted to see what it would be like on my own for once. To figure out who I was without other people influencing my decisions. Things didn’t work out and Dad got sick so I went home. That’s just life. But I don’t regret going and I most certainly am not going to apologize for doing what was best for me. I just wish I didn’t have to lose you in the process.”

“You didn’t. You chose to. I was never angry at you for choosing Stanford. I was angry because you left and didn’t tell me,” I say. “If I had known you were going to Stanford, I’d have chosen a different college. I would’ve gone to Princeton and moved in with Karina’s parents in Jersey. I would’ve never stayed by myself in New York those four years. That’s the part you don’t understand and never did.”

“Well, I’m trying to understand now. I’m sorry.” Her voice catches and she holds her breath. “I really am. Maybe I should’ve been better about expressing how I felt but I never meant to hurt you. We’ve known each other all our lives and it had never occurred to me we wouldn’t be together in college. It was hard. It was really, really hard not having my best friend with me. But it forced me to grow and become a more independent, self-sufficient person. You wouldn’t know what that’s like. You’ve always known exactly who you are, Dahlia. From when we were kids in elementary school, you’ve dominated life at every turn, navigating things with ease. You’ve never needed anyone, Dahlia. And you have no idea how much I envied you for it.

“I wanted the opportunity to test my own limits and figure out what I’m capable of without helicopter parents or overbearing brothers. As fucked up as it sounds, I wanted to try my hand at being you. I’m not asking you to forgive me but I am asking you to try and understand. Because I’ve really missed you the last few years and I don’t want us to leave this table and have it be the last time we see each other.”

A heart-to-heart with my ex-childhood best friend was unexpected to say the least. Lyss, like many other people from my past life, is a wound which never quite healed. In fact, my falling out with Lyss was what prompted my yearly trips with Karina in the first place. Since then, our outings were an unconscious distraction from the loss of Lyss in my life. I don’t have siblings and my parents are out of the picture.

I was practically raised in Lyss’s house. On a number of occasions after Mom died, Dad would show up to Lyss’s place looking for me, and I’d be in either one of three places—at the dinner table, in Lyss’s room, or in the living room, absolutely annihilating her dad in a game of Mario Kart.

Karina and I were always close, especially for cousins with an age gap like ours, but we were never as close as we were in the years after Lyss and I fell out. I realize now maybe I was supplementing one relationship for the other this whole time, expecting from Karina the attention and love I once got from my former friendship. And I wonder if this is any way to live.

Begging to be loved by anyone who’s willing because the people whose job it was to do so unconditionally never gave you what you needed.

I wish I knew how to answer her only I think I’ve uncovered something that goes much deeper than teenage friendships gone sour.

“I, um…” I glance at the time on my phone and notice I’m running late for my appointment. “I’m really sorry. I’m late for my appointment; I’m getting my boot off today.”

“Right...right, of course.” She dabs under her eyes quickly and pushes out her chair. “I’ll get the tab, don’t worry.”

“No, I⁠—”

“It’s fine.” She stands and gives me a tight-lipped smile. “I owe you a few years’ worth of coffee dates anyway.”

I grab my phone and am about to leave when something stops me. At the last second, I turn and throw my arms around her, squeezing tightly.

“I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other, either,” I say quietly.

Lyss holds on, giving a short nod. “I hope you know, you never stopped being my best friend.”

“Yeah…me too.”

17

ARE WE HAPPY?

Dahlia

The Past

Getting the boot taken off doesn’t feel like a reward anymore.

I stare at my bare ankle and am glad to roll it around without pain but the evening is soured by my conversation with Lyss this afternoon.