Page 67 of No Greater Oblivion

Alejandro doesn’t come home for dinner and if I had the energy, I might be upset. All I can manage is indifference.

Why am I here? Why did I come to Barcelona?

Was it because I really loved him or have I been just replacing Karina with Alejandro? The way I once replaced Lyss with Karina? A source of love and attention was slipping from my grasp and before I could allow the loneliness to settle in, I made sure to fill my life with new people who could distract me for a little while. Is this the source of my discontentment? I don’t know.

I thought grad school would fix everything. It’s been a few weeks and I’ve enjoyed it but there’s something missing from my life. What is it? Why can’t I find it, why am I never satisfied?

Lyss was wrong; I may be independent and self-sufficient but I am not immune to feelings of loneliness. I guess I’ve avoided it for so long because I lost myself in other things like my relationship with Karina. The more I think about it the more I wonder if our relationship is completely one-sided. Is our closeness sincere or imagined on my part? Because I can’t imagine a family member who truly loves and is concerned for the well-being of another would be as inconsistent with their interest in me as she is.

Sure, we used to take our trips every year but what if it was more about her getting away than being with me? What if I’ve overinflated my importance in her life because I want to mean as much to someone else as they mean to me?

Why is it so hard to be loved with the same depth and devotion as I love others? What’s wrong with me that I’ve never encountered anyone in my life who reciprocated the feelings of closeness I crave and desire?

My mother died when I was a kid and my father left the moment he was legally able to do so. My childhood best friend chose to go to school on the other side of the country and the cousin I thought I was close to married my college nemesis. Not to mention the boyfriend I completely rearranged my life for is never home and when he is, I’m lucky if he comes to bed at night. Time passes so quickly when it’s wasted and the last year is starting to feel like a waste.

None of what I’ve read this past hour has sunk in. No matter how many times I start over I can’t focus but luckily, I don’t have to. At half past midnight, Alejandro slips into the bedroom as if not to wake me but gives up all pretense of sneaking in when he realizes I’m awake.

“It’s late,” is all he says as he shuts the door.

“I wasn’t tired.”

He nods—distracted—and as he passes me on the way to the bathroom he kisses me on the top of the head—mechanic. The next half hour goes by quickly and before I know it, he’s kissing the top of my head again and turning off the lamp on his side of the bed.

“Don’t you have work to do?”

He releases a heavy sigh. “For once, I think it can wait until morning.”

“Oh.”

A few minutes pass and he looks over his shoulder. I still have my book on my lap but I gave up on reading a long time ago.

He sits up, closes the book, leaves it on my nightstand, turns off the light, and kisses me again, this time on the cheek. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against him but I make no effort to move into a more comfortable position.

“Why are you with me?”

“Because you don’t snore at night?”

I can’t help myself. “Am I replacement for Regina?”

Alejandro stills beside me.

Seconds pass.

He gets up and turns on the light again. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

What I don’t tell him is, I think I have a habit of replacing people in my life because I can’t stand to experience loneliness and if I feel that way, than maybe you do too.

“I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my entire life.”

“You almost married her.”

“Yes and I didn’t.” His eyes narrow. “Has she tried reaching⁠—”

I shake my head. “No, I haven’t had any contact with her. Not since the time I told you about.”

“Where is this coming from?”