Page 125 of No Merciful Corruption

She has a point there, although, I’m not sure how likely a negative test is at this point. Then again, wouldn’t I have been experiencing symptoms already if I was pregnant? What was it like the first time around? I can hardly remember. I was freshly seventeen and it was the summer before senior year of high school. The whole interlude lasted less than a month: Lyss made me pee on a bunch of tests, we freaked out, I told my father, he freaked out, took me to a doctor, and then a few weeks later I terminated the pregnancy. I don’t even think I completed a full trimester.

Right now my stomach is in knots and my chest is so tight it’s becoming difficult to breathe. Alejandro and I only ever talked about this in passing, the way anyone does about the future.

I want kids. Do you want kids? Great, we both want kids. Next topic!

We’re newlyweds. Our lives are so full right now. How would a child fit into the equation? Do we even have the bandwidth right now? Do we want it? I haven’t decided. I keep telling myself the numbness will wear off but as of now I can’t feel my fingertips or toes. More than anything I keep racking my brain for the moment it all went wrong. Based on my calculations, it must’ve happened while we were in the Philippines. I’m almost confident I took the pill every day.

Well…mostly every day. There was that one time…

Oh fuck.

“I am freaking out.” Lyss says.

Lettie’s head swings around. “You think you’re freaking out? I’m the one with all the pee sticks on my lap. This is very gross but the last one almost fell down the drain and there’s no table here.”

I pace the length of the small bathroom, unable to remain still. There are only two stalls and two sinks and nowhere else to go.

“I want to see!” Lyss nags from where the phone is perched on a small ledge under the bathroom mirror. “I need to feel like I’m really in the moment.”

The sun hasn’t fully risen yet in New York so she sits snuggled up in a love seat near a small lamp for light. Moments like this make me regret agreeing to move back to Barcelona. I’d give anything for her to be here with me in person, holding my hand, and promising everything will be all right.

“You okay over there?” she asks.

I nod and continue my pacing as I chew on my painted nails.

Lettie whispers, “She’s been acting a little weird.”

“Have not!” I snap.

“Have too,” she sing-songs.

“She’ll be fine,” Lyss placates. “She just doesn’t know how she feels yet.”

Jesus Christ how long does an at-home pregnancy test take? I swear the wait wasn’t this bad when I was seventeen.

“I don’t know if I even want to be pregnant.” I say.

Lyss merely smiles. “You’ll know the second you see the results.”

“I doubt it.” I continue my pacing. “This was unexpected. Completely unplanned.”

“Very unplanned,” Lettie echoes.

“I mean, I just got married.”

She pushes back her cuticles. “She just got married.”

“And Alex and I haven’t even talked about children yet.”

“They haven’t talked about children!” She says.

“I expected this to come up in maybe another five years. But not now.”

“Five years,” Lettie reaffirms. “Not now.”

“Leticia!” I stop in my tracks. “Are you going to keep repeating everything I say?”

“She wants to know if I—ahh!” Lettie screams abruptly.