Page 48 of Trove’s Purpose

“It’s all I have.”

“That’s so sad, Trove.” She whispered, once again looking at him with pity. He hated to see it. He hated it as much as he hated the pain. He wished she’d be angry at him again instead.

Once more, an uneasy silence fell between them. The gap in their worldviews too great for them to traverse. She would never understand. Coming from such a peaceful planet, such an idealistic life, she couldn’t possibly.

And more, he didn’t want her to. He would never wish his life upon anyone, even if just so they could understand what his view was. Better that she hated him. Better that she wanted nothing to do with him than to be stained by the grime of his past.

“Is… Is it true,” she started, looking at the ground between them. “About your… dick. That it can’t get hard for anyone but me?”

“You mean, after the mating trigger?”

She nodded.

He hesitated to answer, unsure how to phrase himself. When he finally spoke, it was slowly and carefully that he said, “My cock won’t ever be able harden for anyone else, no.”

“You’re trapped with me then,” she said, and her voice was so achingly sad, he found himself reaching for her.

But couldn’t actually bring himself to touch her.

“I’m not trapped, Chee.”

“Then, do you want to be mated to me?” She asked, whipping her head up, staring at him so directly, it was like a bolt straight through his chest.

And once again, he found his throat locking up. Words tangled and tripped over each other in his chest, screams distant in his mind drowning out any possible meaning. He had to assure her that he was happy that she was his mate. But he wasn’t happy to be her mate. But he didn’t want to hurt her. But he couldn’t say that he didn’t regret it.

All of the conflicting, harsh feelings were fighting each other. Each one demanding to be the answer that emerged, and so none of them actually being the one to do so.

Trove was struck dumb, completely mute, as he was helpless to watch heartbreak shatter Chee’s face – and no, this time it wasn’t for him. And he hated it so much, he wished that she would go back to pitying him instead.

He didn’t want to do this to her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He hated himself.

But he just couldn’t speak.

“Yeah, that’s what I figured,” Chee said softly.

“No, Chee!”

Something broke in Trove at the sound of her voice like that. So lifeless, so hopeless. This wasn’t what he wanted. This wasn’t what he intended. But when he reached for her, wanting desperately to explain, wishing he wasn’t such a worthless coward, she stepped back.

Three steps. Hasty and inelegant. He could catch up easily.

But just as the words caught in his throat, his legs couldn’t move.

More silence. Like broken glass, shredding him apart on the inside. His hand hung in the air, still reaching for Chee. But the small distance between them might as well have been the vastness of the void itself. Cold and uncrossable.

“My parents love each other,” she said softly, sniffling as a tear fell down her cheek. Swiftly followed by another, then another, until she was crying openly as she spoke. “They’ve been together since college. They would do anything for each other. I know that true love exists, I know that soul mates are real, because I’ve seen it in them. I’ve watched them weather the worst the world could throw at them and stay strong through it. That’s all I want as well. That’s all I ever dreamed of. If I can’t have that, then it’s not enough for me. I won’t accept less.”

Trove listened. Though it hurt, he drank her words down like they were vitally important. And he really tried to understand what she was saying.

He just… couldn’t.

His captain, two of his brothers, had found their mates. And he was happy for them, he was. But he didn’t understand. He couldn’t offer the same to Chee.

“I will pleasure you,” he finally said. “If you ask it of me, I will leave you shaking and delirious. I would grant you ecstasy at an instant. I will even give you friendship. I would treat you as one of my crew, and I can offer no higher intimacy than that. Is that not enough?”

He knew it wasn’t even as she shook her head. She needed something from him that he couldn’t give, no matter how much he wished otherwise.

“We are not mates,” she finally said. “You couldn’t please me with such shallow promises. You can keep going to brothels all you want. You can take your pleasure wherever you please. But it won’t be with me.”