Page 111 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

“Kelsey? Why would she do that?” Bronx’s tone changes to one of concern.

“I hurt her all right,” Riot’s voice cracks.

“That bad?” Bronx asks.

“Worse,” Riot says.

I count the pills in my hand that would have taken away all my pain. They wouldn’t kick in quick enough.

Another thump follows. And then another. Crack. Part of the frame splits from the wall and swings in with the door.

Riot is the first one inside. He grabs my hand and shakes it over the sink, scattering the pills. They roll around the basin and plink one by one into the drain.

He grabs my head between his hands. Tips my chin up and gets in my face. His gaze searches mine. “Did you take any?”

I could go to sleep and never wake up.

“Kelsey, did you take any of those pills?” He shakes me. “Tell me, honestly. Or do I need to stick my fingers down your throat?”

If only I had... this would all go away.

“Scary Girl,” Kodiak’s voice reaches that space inside me that he makes feel safe. “Did you take any?”

“No.” But I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to.

“Thank God.” Riot wraps his arms tight around me as I start to sob again. His heart beats strong under my ear. “Bronx, call Sam. Tell him we’re coming to him.”

Riot scoops me up and carries me through the bus and out into the cold night. It’s still raining as he strides from our bus to the one Sam is on. I notice that we’re soaked and water is dripping from his hair, but I don’t feel it.

I can’t feel anything.

Sam’s expression is full of concern when Riot puts me in front of him.

“She’s not okay, Doc.”

Sam doesn’t flirt with me and he doesn’t smile, but that’s okay because I don’t feel like doing those things either. “How are you doing, Kelsey? I heard you were thinking about taking some sleeping tablets. But you changed your mind?”

“I didn’t take any.” I want to cease to exist.

“I’m very glad to hear that,” he says. “You are far too important to all of us.”

Riot’s arm stays around me. He nuzzles the top of my head. “You mean everything to us. To me. You’ve been hurting, you’re still hurting, and I can’t fix it. But I am not going anywhere. And neither are you.”

“I am so tired.” I rest my cheek on his chest. How can I trust him? Or even believe him. I just don’t have the energy to fight him.

“You want to sleep? Let Sam check you over and I’ll take you back to our bus. You can sleep in my bed. Or next to Kodiak. Or Bronx. Or Golden. As long as you have one of us with you.” He strokes my hair. “As long as you’re not alone.”

“Kodiak.” I see the hurt in his gaze. He wants me to pick him, but I can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He nods. “Doc?”

Sam takes over. “You want anyone with you? Or would you rather we speak alone?”

“I told him everything,” I say.

“Good.” Sam sends Riot a sympathetic look. “Now, I have a lot of questions to ask Kelsey. If you interrupt, I will kick you off this bus.”

He asks me why I wanted to hurt myself and why I didn’t. He asks me a heap of other questions that I mumble responses to.