Page 112 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

Riot stays a quiet, solid wall while I spill my broken thoughts for Sam.

Why didn’t I take the pills? Why did knowing that I could be saved stop me from trying? Why am I still holding on?

“I’m going to call a friend of mine. Meg is a psychologist. I want her opinion before I decide whether we need to put you on a 72-hour hold. Or if you can stay on the bus in a supervised capacity.” He pats my knee as he puts the call through. “Sorry to wake you, Meg. I have a friend here who is struggling. Could you spare us some time?”

The woman on the other end of the phone introduces herself to me as Dr. Applegate and asks more of the same questions. We end up talking for a while. Eventually, I hand the phone back to Sam and they decide I can stay on the bus as long as I’m supervised and commit to daily check-ins with her.

I agree because she’s kind like Sam. Because talking about it with Riot made everything hurt more, but she promises that there is light on the other side and it kind of seems like she knows what she’s talking about. I hope she does.

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t miss a single appointment,” Riot promises Sam. He tenses. Something deeper than concern flickers in his unwavering gaze. “We also need the morning after pill.”

Shit.

I didn’t think. I was aware... when he was inside me... when I could feel how hot he was... feel his cum. But then the conversation had turned to Harlowe, and I...

I drag my shaking hand through my knotty hair. My fingers get caught in the snags and bring more tears to my eyes.

“Kelsey is that what you want to do?” Sam asks gently.

I don’t know. I’ve already lost one child. What if Riot and I accidentally made another tonight?

“It’s okay if it is,” Riot says. “And if it’s not. Either way I’m here.”

“It’s up to you,” Sam says. He takes the medication out of his kit and puts it on the table in front of me along with a bottle of water. “Can I speak to you a minute, Riot?”

Riot nods.

They move to the other end of the room. Where they can see me but talk without me hearing them. Sam makes fast and rough gestures with his hands.

Riot stands there and takes it.

I twist the lid of the bottle and swallow some of the cold water. My gaze stays on the medication Sam put in front of me. I don’t know if I want to take the pill or not. It’s not a decision I can make right now when all I want is to go to sleep. I pocket the plastic bag with the single pill inside. Perhaps in the morning I’ll have a clearer head.

“Ready?” Riot comes back.

“Yeah.”

He carries me back to our bus and inside.

The guys are in the front lounge waiting for us. Kodiak stops pacing when we enter. Bronx and Golden stand up and rush toward us.

“You scared us, Special K.” Golden strokes my hair back from my face.

“Fucking almost had a heart attack.” Kodiak rubs a fist over the left side of his chest.

Bronx grips Riot’s shoulder. Squeezes. “You both okay?”

“Not really,” Riot says.

“Are you going to keep her with you tonight?” Bronx asks him.

Riot looks to me. “You still want Kodiak?”

“Yes,” I croak.

“Come on,” he tells Kodiak, carrying me into the bedroom. He places me on the bed and pulls the covers up over me while Kodiak stands by awkwardly.

I don’t fight it. I’m too damn tired.