Page 115 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

Wasn’t hungry.

I’ll get someone to grab you something. Anything you want.

What can I say to make this conversation end? What will make him leave me alone?

I want Kodiak.

That should do it.

40

Riot

The room begins to fill with pass holders now the concert is over. They chatter loudly, half deaf from the music. They swarm toward us as I furiously type my thoughts into messages.

And I am trying to be okay with you wanting him instead of me.

But the truth is I’m not.

I’m never going to be.

The truth is I have wanted to kill my bassist every second of every day since she cut me out and chose him to take care of her instead.

The fact that they haven’t fucked, kissed, or acted in any way like anything more than friends in that time doesn’t make it easier to stomach that I hurt her so badly she no longer wants anything to do with me.

I pocket my phone.

I try to act amped while I sign some merch and a few body parts. As do the others. But we’re tired on a level that has nothing to do with being on the road for weeks. Kelsey’s actions the other night hit each of us hard. Every single one of us is attached to her. None of us could tolerate losing her.

That’s exactly why I need to be okay with her wanting him in her corner. At least for now. Even if that means allowing the attraction between them to grow. I need her to be safe and cherished. Until I can be the man she needs.

I have a lot of work to do if I’m going to regain her trust and show her how sorry I am. Starting with believing her when she says she didn’t steal from us. Digging into what the hell actually happened to the money Carmine alleged Kelsey stole, and making sure whoever is responsible is held accountable.

I am going to fight for her. For us.

These are things I can’t send in text. It’s a conversation we need to have face-to-face. She needs to see that I am serious, and that I won’t handle things the way I did last time. So, I’ll tell her about my intentions in front of Bronx, Golden, Kodiak, and the rest of our crew. I’ll make it very clear to everyone that I am not giving her up without a fight.

“I’m going to head to the bus,” Kodiak says. “She’s with Jasper, but—"

“I don’t like her being alone either.” He’s cared for her like she’s his world, I’ll give him that. He’s loyal to a fault when it comes to her. And considerate with the information he shares. But if he falls in love with her, we’re going to have a problem. I’m not going to give her up. “Ten more minutes and then we’ll get out of here.”

The line of pass holders clears and we can leave. Kodiak beats me into the elevator. Bronx and Golden file in behind me.

“One more city until Vegas,” Bronx says.

“I’ve never been so ready for a break,” Golden agrees. “I’m going to book Kelsey and I in for a spa day. She could use some pampering. A nice massage and seaweed wrap to start.”

My phone rings as we step out of the elevator into the dimly lit garage where the buses are. I check it because it could be Kelsey. I assume it’s going to be Sonatina because she won’t fucking leave me alone.

It’s neither.

I answer it. “Doc?”

He’s been trying to get hold of me all day, but I figured it could wait after the dressing down he gave me for fucking Kelsey without a condom. Fuck, I deserved it. The truth is if I had a father worth having, I’d want him to be like Sam. If I’d gotten the opportunity to be a father... I would have wanted to be like Sam. Or like Rook.

Instead, I’m the asshole who didn’t even know about his daughter until it was too late. That fucking cuts deep.

“I have the results from your tests. You got a moment?”