Page 114 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

I turn my back on him and concentrate on therapy.

“Is there anything you would like to talk about today?” Dr. Applegate asks. “Perhaps we could talk about that thing we were discussing at the end of yesterday’s session.”

“Okay,” I say.

Our session runs for an hour and by the end of it I am exhausted. I don’t want to stay in bed all the time, but going into the nitty-gritty of my life with Dr. Applegate is a heavy exercise. It takes its toll.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” she tells me.

Riot is waiting for me when I end the video chat.

“Where’s Kodiak?” I dust my butt off as he walks over to me. Jasper is behind him.

“He’s giving us a minute.” Riot extends an arm toward me but then curls it up and tugs at his hair. “I get that you don’t want to talk to me, but I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I’m okay.” I hug my arms around myself, like that will be enough to keep all my damaged pieces together. “Tired.”

“You want to skip the concert tonight?” he asks.

“Yes.”

His gaze lingers, as if he wants to take care of me himself. But he needs to be here with the rest of the band. They need to get ready for another sell-out crowd. Eventually he takes a step back. “Jasper will take you to the bus.”

“Great.” I turn to Jasper. “I’m ready to go.”

I follow Jasper from the stage.

“Kelsey,” Riot calls out to me.

A part of me hesitates. It yearns for him to chase after me. I still love him and I probably always will. But a part of me needs to hate him too. And the whole of me can’t just let him back in.

Still, I want to hear what he has to say. I wanted him to tell me that he wasn’t going to let Kodiak or anyone else look after me. That it had to be him, no matter how much I might hate him. I wanted him to fight for me. “What?”

He swallows hard. Shakes his head. “We’ll talk later.”

“Whatever.” I turn my back on him and follow Jasper.

By the time we get back to the bus, I am yawning.

“Want something for dinner?” Jasper asks as we enter the bus.

“I want to sleep.” I pad toward the back of the bus.

“Riot was clear you were to eat something,” Jasper says. “And to report back.”

“Fine.” I roll my gaze to the ceiling. He’s trying to look after me, but it’s not what I want. “Grilled cheese. Chocolate shake.”

“I’ll order it,” Jasper says.

I leave him to it and go to the bedroom to get changed into my pajamas. Riot had all my stuff moved in here. One of Kodiak’s flannels is on the bed, and I tug it on over my tank top, drawing the two sides together until they overlap.

Crawling under the covers, I turn on the TV. The shopping channel is on. I watch it blindly until Jasper brings in my food. He sits with me while I pick the bread off the cheese. When I can’t stand to tear up the pieces any smaller, he takes the plate and leaves.

I flip through the channels until I find some movie I haven’t seen before. When I get hungry, I raccoon through the stash of candy in the kitchenette.

My phone buzzes around the time the concert ends.

Jasper said you didn’t eat.