Page 72 of Playing the Player

“What did you say?” I strain my ears, begging for the words to move to my brain but I only catch the first few before a burst of laughter steals all of my attention. “What?” By the third time, I can see the frustration creeping onto Knight’s face, and a wave of guilt twists in my stomach because I swear I’m trying.

Someone bumps into my shoulder. Someone else calls my name. Another person joins the conversation.

It feels like every part of me is being pulled in a different direction and I can’t keep up. Where’s Sasha? I need Sasha.

I smile at my teammates, because that’s easier than explaining why I suddenly can’t think straight.

And then I slip away, out the back door. The cold night air hits my face and for the first time in the last twenty minutes, I can hear myself think. The music is still thumping through the walls, but it’s distant now. Manageable.

I take a long breath. I hadn’t realized how tightly I’d been holding everything in until I finally let it go.

“Hey, you okay?” The sweet voice pulls me back into the moment. “What are you doing out here?”

I look over to find Sasha standing in the doorway, the warm light from inside spilling around her. Concern pinches her brows as she studies me.

“I just needed some air.”

She doesn’t call me out on the obvious lie. Instead, she walks over until she’s standing beside me, her shoulder brushing against my own. “It got a bit too much in there?”

I let out a humorless laugh. “Bit of an understatement.”

She waits for me to continue. She always waits.

“The noise, it…” I rub the back of my neck, searching for words that never seem to come when I need them. “It’s like… I can’t shut any of it out. Everyone else can just tune things out, focus on one thing, but I can’t. I hear everything. All at once.” I shake my head. “My brain doesn’t know what’s important, so it tries to pay attention to all of it.”

“And that’s exhausting.”

I glance at her. “Yeah.”

She reaches for my hand, her fingers threading through mine so naturally it almost makes my chest ache. “You don’t have to explain it to me.”

“I know.”

“I’ll still listen, though.”

A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth.

Sasha steps in front of me, squeezing both of my hands. “Look at me.” I do. “You’re okay.” Her voice is soft but steady. “You’re not trapped in there. We can stay outside for five minutes, ten minutes, or we can leave completely. I don’t care.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Then we won’t.” She brushes her thumb across my knuckles. “But if we go back in, we’re doing it together. If it gets too loud again, you squeeze my hand once and we’ll come straight back out. No questions. Deal?”

I nod. “Deal.”

Sasha smiles and a wave of calm washes over me. It stops the racing thoughts swirling around in my head. It stops the panic that was clawing its way up my chest. It stops everything.

“Take a deep breath for me.” I do. The air feels easier in my lungs this time. “You ready?”

“I just need one more minute to do this.” I snake my arm around her waist and pull her flush against me. My other hand instantly wraps through her hair, or wig, and I lean down, capturing her lips in mine.

She melts into me, reaching her arms up to loop around my neck as the kiss deepens. Her lips are warm and soft against my own. My tongue swipes against hers and she moans softly into my mouth. I take her lower lip between my teeth, tug gently, and then pull away.

We’re both breathless, unspoken words passing between our eyes. “Okay, now I’m ready.”

Sasha smiles up at me, nods her head once, and then slips her hand into mine again before leading me back inside. The noise hits me instantly, but it’s different this time. My attention lands on the warmth of her hand wrapped around mine instead of the chaos around us.

For once, my brain has something louder than the noise to focus on.