Page 84 of Playing the Player

I want to tell him that I won’t be by myself, that I have Sash here, but she’s either at work or at home writing and I don’t want to bother her any more than I have this week.

“Yeah!” Knight shouts, “We could make a whole night of it. Go out, get wasted. It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know about the getting wasted part but yeah, I’ll check with my doctors and see if I’m good to fly.”

An hour later I’m back home and only then does it hit me. Neither of them judged me. Not once. No awkward looks. No pity. No treating me differently.

They just… accepted it.

Exactly like Diane said they would. Exactly like Sasha said they would. I should have known that these guys would never turn their backs on me.

Maybe I should do the same with Sasha. I should tell her the truth. Trust her with all of me. Tell her that somewhere between the fake dates and stolen kisses, that I fell for her.

If she’s really meant to be my forever, maybe she’ll tell me she’ll feel the same. Or maybe I’ll wait until I come back from Canada. Just one more week. One more week of pretending this thing between us isn't already very, very real.

34

Sasha

Conor was cleared to fly by his doctors so yesterday he travelled to Canada with the team for the weekend. I think the change of scenery will be good for him so he’s not cooped up at home all day every day, driving himself mad.

Plus, it gives me a chance to really think all of this through. I’ve spent every day this week looking after him, probably more than I have to. I make sure he takes his meds, help him around the apartment, and pretend that everything between us is normal. But I can’t keep pretending.

The second he gets home, I’m ending this. And not because I don’t want him. God, that’s the problem. I want him too much.

I just need him to understand that I need to be on my own for a while. I need to figure out my life before I complicate that with a new relationship. I can’t give him all of me when I don’t even know what that is. I just hope he believes me when I tell him I don’t want him out of my life. I just need space.

I’m almost thirty years old and I have never truly been alone. I went from my parents home, to having a roommate in college, to moving in with Max. I got my own place last year and still, I stayed with Olivia for months. Not long after that, Conor crashed into my life, and somewhere along the way, his apartment started feeling more like home than mine ever did.

I don’t know how to exist on my own. And until I learn how to, I don’t think I can truly be with anyone else. I don’t know if that actually makes any sense, but it does to me and I hope it does to him.

I’m also working a dead end job with no end in sight. Every spare second I have goes into writing now. I don’t even go to the gym or shopping as much as I used to. I say no to nights out and dinners with my friends because all I can think about is finishing this book. If I want this dream badly enough, and I do, then I need to work my ass off and give it everything I’ve got.

I can’t do that when half of me is always somewhere else.

I’ve thought about making things work with Conor. I’ve imagined it more times than I’d ever admit. But the truth is, I still don’t fully trust him. I want to, I really do, but those doubts are constantly swirling around in the back of my mind.

And it’s not just Conor. I mean, he’s given me no reason not to trust him. He’s been patient and kind and understanding. But this isn’t just about him. It’s about what Max left behind.

I never gave myself time to heal before I threw myself into whatever this is with Conor. I buried the hurt instead of dealing with it, choosing my ego over my heart, and now it’s all catching up to me.

I need time to. Time to breathe. Time to trust again. Time to become someone who isn’t constantly waiting for the next person she loves to leave.

It isn’t fair to keep Conor trapped in something when I don’t even know if I’m capable of giving him everything he deserves. Holding onto him now will only hurt us both later.

Yesterday, I finally called my mom. The second I heard her voice float through the phone, I broke. I cried before I could even say hello. I hadn’t realized just how much I missed her until then.

I apologized for disappearing, for shutting both her and dad out for so long. But she apologized first. She told me she failed Liam and that she was sorry that she didn’t realize it until I told her.

They’re trying now though. Really trying.

They’ve spoken to specialists. They’ve started learning what he actually needs instead of trying to force him into what they thought he should be. I don’t think they’ve realized yet that all Liam has always wanted is simply his parents, but at least they’re finally making an effort.

They’ve even enrolled him in a six week hockey program. I smiled when I heard that. Maybe it’ll give him what hockey gives Conor. A space where the world quietens down for a while. Somewhere he can make friends. Somewhere he feels like he belongs. I’m sure he’ll be telling everyone that he got to meet the Conor Matthews and the whole Florida Flames team, Josh not included.

I just hope it doesn’t break his heart too much when he finds out that Conor and I are no longer together. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.

It’s late afternoon and I’ve just gotten in the flow of writing when there’s a pounding on my door. I glance up, frowning. Conor just lets himself in and he’s still in Canada. Olivia has a ridiculous secret knock so I know it’s her. Whoever’s outside sounds like they’re trying to knock the door off its hinges.