Page 88 of Playing the Player

“Are you going back to him?”

“What? No.”

“Then why?”

“I told you why.”

“No you didn’t.” I meet her bloodshot eyes, my own burning with unshed tears. “I want the real reason.” I don’t want the excuse or the rehearsed speech. I just want the truth.

She shakes her head, eyes pleading with me. “Why are you making this so difficult?”

Because I’m breaking. Because you’re breaking me. “Because I fucking love you!”

The room falls silent. The words hit me harder than they hit her. Her eyes widen and fresh tears spill down her cheeks. And finally, mine do too.

I back up, needing space, pacing around the small room. Sasha moves towards the couch, sits at the end and just watches me.

“I…” Pause. “I…”

“I need to go.”

“No, Conor. Just wait.”

I make it halfway to the door before another thought crashes into me. I stop and slowly turn around to face her. “You’ve had weeks.”

She frowns. “What?”

“After that engagement party, you could have ended it. You didn’t. You could have ended it after Liam left. But you didn't. You agreed to go to the Halloween party with me. You didn’t have to agree to that. So why now?”

The answer slams into me before she says a word. My stomach drops. Of course this is why. My biggest fucking fear, playing out right in front of me. “Is it because I can’t play hockey anymore?”

“What?” She stares at me, huffing out a disbelieving laugh. “You can’t be serious.”

“You’ve known for weeks. So why now?”

“It has nothing to do with hockey.”

“You’ve had every opportunity to walk away.”

“So did you!” She fires back. “You could’ve ended this too, so don’t you dare blame me for any of this.”

“It was all your idea!” I take a deep breath, trying desperately to calm the racing thoughts.

Sasha hangs her head in defeat, lowering her voice to just above a whisper. “I told you, after Max, I’m not ready for anything yet.”

“That was before.”

Sasha rubs her temples with her fingers. “I need to be alone for a while, Conor. I-”

I cut off her, my own thoughts coming through before I can stop them. That has always been my downfall. “You need to be alone for a while? In other words, you just don’t want to be with me.”

“God, Conor! Will you just let me explain?”

“I don’t think you need to. We’re done. There’s nothing to explain.”

I turn on my heel, storming to the door. “Conor, please don’t go.” Sasha cries. Everything inside me wants to turn around. To pull her into my arms. To tell her we’ll figure it all out together. To kiss away every tear running down her face.

But I don’t. Instead, I walk out. And this time, I don’t look back.