Page 56 of Lavender and Linebackers

Is that why he ignored me? I saw him tip the ball, but I thought he did a good thing so Dylan could catch it. I didn’t realize the play called for him to catch it and he messed up.

“Well, I’m not going to disagree with you there, but stop punishing yourself. We all make mistakes. It turned out all right. That’s why we play on a team.”

“Still,” he pants, “should’ve been mine, and after my conversation with Coach Williams, I can tell you with complete certainty he doesn’t agree with you.”

There’s a long pause.

“As your captain, I appreciate the extra work you’re putting in, but this week is meant for recovery. No one else is here for a reason.” Sully steers him toward the water coolers, and I slip back a little more to make sure I’m not seen. Sully’s head tilts a little like he might have heard me, or maybe even seen me through the slats, but decides to keep pushing.

“Now, back to Alice.”

Ryder lets out a noise that tells us he objects after chugging some water, but then heads for the bleachers to sit down.

My heart rate picks up, and I slowly duck down even more, making myself as small as a tiny ball, hoping they don’t see me between the gaps.

He flops down. He’s close, maybe five feet from me, and I’m doing my best not to even breathe. “Nothing is going on with her. Don’t worry, I haven’t broken any rules in the handbook.”

The handbook. Am I breaking them now by ogling his back? Tan skin, broad shoulders, and huge trapezius muscles. Slide south, and the waistband of his underwear is exposed, hugging him perfectly, and my stomach clenches.

Gah! I will not think about Ryder in his underwear, no matter how good he looks.

“I did hear you at the game. We won’t talk about the handbook tonight, and you know that’s not what I mean. After what you said, you were straight cold to her after D’s pick, and you should know by now that cameras are always there. Everyone on the big screen saw it, and I want to know why? Why didn’t you even acknowledge her in the slightest?”

Yes, why? Why are you so hot and cold with me?

“Oh, I am well aware of unfortunate cameras,” he deadpans. “That is the story of my life.”

Huh? I wonder what that means.

“And . . .” Sully says, trying to draw out what clearly Ryder doesn’t want to say.

Around us, a pin could drop. I freeze as not to draw attention to myself. I don’t even blink.

I should leave. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping on their conversation, but I really want to hear what Ryder has to say. I’m never going to ask him why he left me as he did, and he’s never going to tell me. It’s going to remain the large elephant in the room, and if I can get the tiniest bit of insight into what happened, I’ll sit here for hours. No, I’ll sit here for days.

Ryder leans back on the bench and sprawls his long legs out.

“It’s complicated.”

“Clearly. But why?” he asks, leaning back as well.

“Alice.” He shakes his head as he thinks about what to say. “She was my first love.”

I know he loved me, but is he saying what I think he’s saying? My heart starts to race.

“So, we’ve all had a first love. But most of us wouldn’t go on lockdown if they entered the same room with them.”

“You don’t understand.” He now sounds completely defeated. “For me, it wasn’t just first love. It was the forever kind of love.”

Instantly, the largest knot I’ve ever had forms in my throat. I feel like it’s cutting off my airway and my eyes start burning.

He said the forever kind of love, but he didn’t love me for forever. He left me. Completely alone.

“Damn, what happened?”

“It wasn’t reciprocated.”

I almost choke and end up sitting on the ground. Neither of them sees the movement between the slats.