Page 28 of I Still Love You (Citation Needed)

“Can I borrow Penny for a moment?” Cooper said half an hour later after rushing up to the table where we were rating the various desserts. I was slightly drunk on sugar and wine, but I felt like I was celebrating a victory now that we were close to the end of the conference.

I followed Cooper to a private dining room. “Nadia’s on her way with Mason,” Cooper said and held up a hand before I could insist on leaving. “He said you could be here as we do an interview.”

I was too shocked to speak, but my mind reeled with reasons why. I didn’t want to argue, not ready to hear something negative. I was thrilled Mason had changed his mind but was afraid he was letting me join them so he could tell us all off at once.

“Whatever you said,” Cooper again before opening the door again, “thank you.”

I nodded just as Mason walked in with Nadia.

“I really want this to be treated like I was just another candidate,” he said.

“You got it,” she said and gestured to one of the seats.

Mason sat down across from me at the square table. I was tempted to pull out my notebook to treat him like I had every other candidate, but I didn’t need to take notes. I knew this job was his if he wanted it. I was his if he wanted me. I wasn’t going to be able to put aside my feelings anymore. Any anger I had directed at him was gone. I could see the damage I had done, and I didn’t resent his decisions. I only wanted him to be happy and valued, even if it wasn’t with me.

I sat quietly as Cooper and Mason went through the motions of an interview. My thoughts strayed to my now recurring fantasy about what Mason’s life could be now that he was ready to be free of Lois’s influence. She wouldn’t completely disappear from his life and would continue to try to convince him to return to academia. I had to trust that he would see what life could be like when he was leading instead of following.

“I have one more question,” Cooper said, closing his notebook. “There is something I’ve been anxious about all afternoon, especially given some of the rumors there have been about you not getting tenure at Lacock State. Others may look at you and see a failed academic who’s trying to hold on to something he lost. What would your response be if people said this to your face?”

Mason caught my eyes and took a deep breath before he started his answer. “Eight years ago, I thought the safety of academia was where I would thrive. I assumed academics would value me as a teacher and mentor. I dismissed those who suggested I would be unhappy. Some people didn’t understand how academia worked, but others saw what I wanted to ignore. I was really scared to take a chance beyond the walls of college, where I had been since I was eighteen. I didn’t want to see how I was being used and manipulated by those I trusted.”

Until that moment, Mason had maintained eye contact with me. These words felt like an apology that he couldn’t say directly to me.

“I’ve always been more focused on helping others and make a difference by lifting others,” Mason continued, turning to Cooper. “I thought I could combine my research and teaching passion. There is a sense among some academics that because their research sometimes changes the world, our work is critical and our expertise is invaluable. It can heighten egos, but it often makes people want to go to war over petty squabbles. Academia is never going to change and going through the tenure process has made that clear. They want to be valued for their contributions to the world. They forget that teaching and preparing the next generation is a valuable contribution to the world in and of itself. That’s what I was successful doing, so I didn’t fail as an academic. Academia failed me.”

I nodded in agreement as I looked at Cooper and Nadia who were doing the same. We could pretend we were automatically reacting like we did with other candidates, but I was sure we all agreed that academia had failed him.

“Do you think you’ll have more impact leading WikiAcademia?” Nadia asked.

Mason smiled, and we all mirrored his shift. “A research paper for one class only impacts one person. Teaching students how to edit EncycloWiki impacts the world. I’ve seen students excitedly share their content with family and friends. They don’t do that with research papers or tests. It’s only about the grade they’ll get. The same is practically true for faculty. Research is only read by other researchers. Most people don’t understand what has been learned, let alone how it impacts them. The next phase for this organization is to show faculty how their work can have more impact on the world. If they want to think their research can change the world, then let’s help them do that better.”

“But they’re only worried about getting tenure,” Nadia added, holding up a finger.

Mason tilted his head to the side. “Sure, but impact of research is increasingly critical to doing that. Funding agencies want to make sure research is accessible to the public, but who explains what it all means? Most people struggle to understand the difference between correlation and causation. If the faculty are really so important-”

“Citation needed?” I asked.

Mason turned back to me with a wide smile. “Exactly. Make them prove it by explaining it to people who are starting from scratch.”

Cooper looked at Nadia and me before turning back to Mason. “Thank you for taking time away from the dessert to talk to us.”

Everyone got to their feet, but I stayed in place. Mason shook hands. When he got to me, he smiled and didn’t let go as I slid my hand out of his. Our fingers brushed before he turned and walked out with Cooper. Had I been wrong about what he wanted? Not about the job, but with me? I had been sure the flirtations earlier had been an automatic reaction to engaging with me. We had always been like that. The hope that there could be something more had been unconsciously driving me for six months. Why help Carrie Woodhouse make Lacock better? Why even think about what Mason’s future would be like? I wanted to be with him but thought it would take time for him to see that I was ready to let the past go.

My mind spun as I thought about all the things this could mean. He had listened when I asked him to give the job another chance. He had almost apologized and admitted I was right. Were we both ready to be together again? All it would take is a simple conversation to know, but I was afraid he would tell me I was wrong. I didn’t know if I could hope for a second chance with him, but I wanted to reconsider the evidence.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Istruggled to sleep that night. I was exhausted from the conference, but my thoughts were filled with Mason as I replayed the things he had said during the interview. For six months, I had been exhausted from unpacking all the emotions I had carefully hidden from myself for years. My anxiety over the last few days as I tried to convince him to take the WikiAcademia job was now resolved, but it was replaced with an inner debate about getting a second chance with him.

I ended up opening my laptop and drafting a letter to him. I considered ways to print it up. Could I ask the hotel staff to deliver it to him? Should I ask Cooper to pass it on? I wasn’t sure I wanted to see his face as I handed him a printed letter on cheap printer paper. I was ready to do that until I remembered a way we had communicated when we were together but needed to hide what we were saying.

We had become closer friends as we worked on our own assignments and research together through the fall semester. We had both also been hired as adjuncts for freshmen sociology classes. There was little wiggle room in the syllabus, but we had switched some things around to teach students how to edit EncycloWiki. We hosted edit-a-thons in the library with Denise, the librarian, helping us connect students to research. We would set up in a large study room with groups of our students, sitting around a large wooden table. I would always sit on one side with Mason on the opposite. It made it easier to help students, but hard to have a private discussion, especially because they were all very flirty. We didn’t want our students to know too much.

“I left you a message in your sandbox,” Mason said one day as we set up for another editing session. We were alone in the room, so he winked and wiggled his eyebrows as he sat down and pulled out his laptop.

I couldn’t help but giggle as I loaded up my personal profile. EncycloWiki was great about giving users their own spaces to work on projects before they were ready to be shared. I had a long list of entries I was creating, each linked to their own sub-page of my sandbox - my place to build and play. Today there was a new link - Mason messages. I clicked on it to see a simple text message.

Pizza at your place tonight? — MasonW