Page 29 of I Still Love You (Citation Needed)

I looked up, ready to agree, my heart pounding in my chest. I was more attracted to Mason than I had been to any man in a while. I wanted to touch his warm skin and feel his lips on mine. Before I could agree, the door opened and the first few students came in, already anxious about their assignments. My mind spiraled, but then I did the same page in his sandbox.

And beer? -CopperPenny

Mason looked up and nodded. That night was when we finally acted on our desires and the first time he had lifted me out of my chair and carried me to bed. We continued to use those pages to leave each other messages - practical, romantic, and silly messages. When we had broken up, I had removed the link from my sandbox so I wouldn’t look at those messages and remember how much I loved him. The page of his messages still existed. In the glow of my laptop screen, I went back to the history section of my sandbox. It was rare for anything to truly disappear from EncycloWiki. You could see the history of any page, even user accounts. All I had to do was scroll back in time and see the last edit before we had broken up.

I got lost in memories for another hour, reading the silly lists and flirty messages he had left for me over the five years we had been together. The silly reminders about edits to make to entries and suggestions for other ones. I saw his notes sent during classes when we were bored. There were also the notes of what we would do to start our dream organization. It was surprisingly like what WikiAcademia had become. The messages stopped the day of graduation when Emma had come in from New York to help me move to Cape Cod. A few months later, she would get her second chance at love with her now husband, Fredrick. She had been too caught up untangling her own romantic mess to push me to talk about mine. I was more than happy to focus on her reunion if it meant I didn’t have to think about Mason.

Where are you? - MasonW

That was the last message left after he had come home and found me gone. I had blocked his phone number and social media. He must have thought his decision to end our engagement wasn’t the end of the discussion. I had never seen the message, having removed the link already. I hadn’t looked at the page since. I wondered if his page of my messages still existed. I hadn’t looked that deeply, not wanting to see that, like me, he had erased his access to the page. When I went to his sandbox, I found it still there, down at the end of a long list of links.

Penny Messages

I opened it to see the other side of the messages I had just read. I had shared links to places to rent each winter when we ran away to Cape Cod before winter classes started. The last thing I had shared was something about Lois Fairfax speaking to Lacock city officials about her plan to make both city and campus more accessible. I remembered how angry I had been to read an article that shared my words and research without any attribution.

CITATION NEEDED!!!!!!!! - CopperPenny

That had been what started the final fight. “Maybe getting married is a bad idea if you feel all of this,” Mason said at the end.

Now I needed to put down the laptop to let the tears flow. Seeing those old messages had brought back the sadness I had felt for that first year after our breakup. I had been so upset that night because he didn’t believe me. Had he ever realized how much of Lois’s current success was built on my work? I had never called her out nor had anyone else. What had she said to him that made him question my accusation? I had never allowed myself to feel this sadness back then. I shifted right into proving them both wrong.

How often had Mason come to this page and relived the raw emotions of that fight? I could easily tell. EncycloWiki collected all sorts of data, including how many times a page was accessed. This was a personal user space. Most people would ignore this unless they knew to look here. I clicked the link to see the publicly accessible usage data. This page had been viewed quite often. As I changed the date range, I could tell he had initially visited regularly. Over the last few years, it seemed like he looked at it once a month. Over the last six months, the data was high. Someone looked nearly every day, and it was coming from one IP address. Mason was either torturing himself or he was looking for something. Was he looking for a message from me? He hadn’t left me anything to respond to, but I had hidden the link. He could safely assume that I never looked at his messages.

That left only one thing to do. I didn’t need to print the letter I had written. I had to leave it here and hope he would see if before he got back to Lacock.

I can’t keep this to myself anymore. I want to speak to you, but I’m not sure if you want to speak to me. You pierce my soul. I’m half agony, half hope. I hope I’m not too late and your feelings haven’t changed after all these years. I have never stopped loving you, but I let my anger lead my decisions. I didn’t want to understand why you were so reluctant to follow me away from academia and out of Lacock. I came back to Lacock in February hoping to show you how wrong you had been. I hoped you were miserable, but I didn’t expect to see how much you were fighting for what you want. You are an amazing leader, mentor, and teacher. I learned from you more than I ever shared. I can still read your needs as much as you can read mine. I just hope you believe that I fervently want and need you. — CopperPenny

Chapter Twenty-Three

What are your plans now that the conference is over?” the woman sitting next to me asked.

We had just ended the final event of WorldWikiMania and I had returned to the long table on the stage to get my stuff. We had a panel about next steps and plans for next year’s conference. I hadn’t seen any of the WikiAcademia staff or those from Lacock State during the day. I was sure there was plenty going on.

“I found a great tour of Jane Austen spots around the country,” I told her. “They cater to people who use wheelchairs.”

“You’ll love Bath,” she said in a soft English accent. “The English seaside is so peaceful.”

I smiled. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

I had decided to do this so I could recharge before getting on a plane to go home. I didn’t expect it to be more comfortable than the flight here. I didn’t want to go from the conference to the long plane ride. This tour company had been suggested by some other editors I knew from the UK. I had only booked my spot before I left for London and well before I had left my letter for Mason.

I had slept peacefully for the rest of the night after I left my note for him. I knew it might take him days to see it or to be able to respond. I wasn’t as worried as I expected to be. He could reject me, sure, but he could want a life together again. I was ready to make changes in my life to be where he needed me to be. If that was Lacock, it would be fine. I was sure I would enjoy helping them increase their accessibility and find money to help. Even if Lois continued her war with me, I was ready to fight.

I moved down the ramp and saw Cooper in the back of the room. He waved when he spotted me.

“Great news!” he said, a wide smile lighting up his face. “Mason accepted the job.”

My heart raced. Mason had not only listened to my advice, but he had taken care of himself first for once.

“He’s said he’d like some time off before he officially starts,” Cooper continued, “but since he’s technically off for the summer, he is available before the fall semester starts.”

“That will be perfect for him to see how the team works before he makes changes,” I said, nodding in encouragement.

“Thank you for speaking to him,” Cooper said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to tell me details, but it’s clear that he values your opinion of him. I hope his new position won’t keep you from spending time with us.”

I smiled and dismissed the concern, but I hadn’t thought about it. I had no intention of giving up my relationship with WikiAcademia, but if Mason rejected me, then it would be uncomfortable. “We’ll talk when he’s more settled, but I’m interested hearing about what role you have in mind moving forward.”

I left the room and made my way to the elevator to go back to my room. I wanted to crash for the rest of the day, order dinner from room service, and watch something I couldn’t see in America.