Page 69 of One to Watch

“That was it.” Sue was choked up. “I saw you two together, and I thought, Oh. She’s going to have a father.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Bea whispered.

“No”—Sue grabbed Bea’s hand—“no, Beatrice, it’s the hardest thing in the world. To have been that hurt, to feel that afraid, and to know that the only way you can be really, fully happy is to risk going through it all again? It’s a terrifying choice to make. But if you want to let someone be that close to you, it’s the only way.”

“That’s it!” Bob lit up like he always did when someone hit on a new insight. “It’s about choice. A lot of people live their lives by default, walking through the doors in front of them because it seems expedient. That’s one way to have a family. But us? We chose each other. And that’s what you’re doing here, Bean—that’s why it feels so scary. Because it is. You’re choosing your family.”

“And what if I can’t?” Bea wiped the tears out of her eyes. “What if there’s something inside me that’s just—I don’t know, incapable?”

“Not possible.” Bob smiled, his whole face warm and crinkled. “Bean, everyone in this family knows how much love you have inside you. We’re together because of you. Your good heart was the key that unlocked our whole lives.”

“I don’t know what to do, Bop. I want to be brave, like you two, but I just—I don’t know what to do.”

“It starts with the choice, just like your mom said. Here in this room, it seems to me you have a sense that you might want one of these fellas to be your family. If you want that, you can have it. But first, you have to tell them that’s what you want. Bean, you have to choose.”

Bea was worried Lauren would be furious when she came back outside, but there was so much going on that her twenty-minute absence appeared to have escaped unnoticed.

Bea scanned the busy yard looking for Asher—he was chatting with Duncan and Julia, all three of them laughing. Asher was holding baby Alice, booping her nose and puffing out his cheeks to make her smile. It was obvious that he was wonderful with children, and Bea wondered how he could be so natural with this little baby and yet so stilted with her. Duncan had an arm around Julia’s waist, and she leaned comfortably into her husband, the two of them easy in a way that sent a twist of pain through Bea’s chest. She wanted this. And if she kept on like she was, she would never, ever have it.

Bea didn’t know if it was possible that she could fall in love on this show, but if she was going to try—really try—she knew this step had to come first, even if she was about to plunge headlong into utter humiliation.

“Hey,” she said to Asher as she approached their group. “Can we talk for a second?”

“Oh.” He looked apprehensive. “Sure. Of course.”

He handed baby Alice back to Julia, and together they walked over to a quartet of Japanese maples Bob had planted when Bea was little—one for each of the four kids. The trees had been saplings then, but they were nearly twenty feet tall now, their branches long and twisted, leaves flashing crimson in the orange light before sunset.

“Are you all right?” Asher looked concerned. “I didn’t think—I mean, I’m surprised you want to talk to me.”

“Me too.” Bea laughed a little, mostly from nerves—but, she was amazed to discover, a little bit from joy. “I wanted to apologize, actually.”

Now Asher looked downright wary. “What for?”

“What you said on the boat,” Bea fumbled the words, “that you didn’t think I was here to fall in love. I was angry at you for saying it on camera, and for saying it at the end of such an awful day. But mostly, I was angry because you were right.”

Understanding dawned on Asher’s face, and his expression softened.

“When I came here, I was still, um, getting over someone. Who really hurt me, and—and I didn’t know if I was ready to meet someone new. Then on the first night, seeing all of you for the first time, that sealed it. I thought there was no way any of you could possibly have feelings for me, so why would I risk my heart for you? It didn’t seem worth it. Then at the museum, I thought maybe I was wrong, but then at the end of the night, when you … well.”

Asher took a step toward her. “Bea, I need to tell you, about that night—”

“Please,” she stopped him, “just let me get this out, okay? I need to say this.”

He nodded. Her heart was pounding, and she thought for a second about changing her mind—but she knew, from somewhere deep, that she had to go on.

“I don’t know why you didn’t want to kiss me,” she said quietly. “Maybe you’re not attracted to me, or maybe you sensed me holding back, or—I don’t know, something else. But I want to tell you, um. That I think you’re great. And I really like you. And if you can—I mean, if you want to—I want to try. That’s what I wanted to say.”

Asher took another step forward, and for a moment she thought he was going to wrap his arms around her—he didn’t.

But God, she wanted him to.

“Bea, the reason I didn’t kiss you at the museum is because I have two children.”

Bea gaped in disbelief. “I’m sorry. You what?”

“I know.” He smiled sadly. “I should have told you. My son is the one who submitted me for this show; I never would have come here if it hadn’t meant so much to him. I thought there was no way I’d actually be interested in a woman I met on reality television of all places, that I’d be here for a week or two at most and come home with nothing more than a funny story to tell my students. But then I met you, and you were … nothing like I expected.”

Bea felt anxious. “In a bad way?”