Page 37 of Defending Van

She wouldn't be selfish. She’d just do what she always did and endure.

August 29th

8:38 A.M.

“You're not okay. How can you be okay?” Van murmured as he stroked his fingers along Makayla’s flushed cheek.

“I can handle whatever is coming,” Makayla assured him, one hand lifting to press against the one cradling her face.

There she was, living through hell, and instead of focusing inward, being selfish, demanding he try to get her out, she was focusing outward. Worrying about him, worrying about the others. She’d done her best to rally them together, and he almost believed that if she’d been able to get all five of the other women working cooperatively with her, they might have been able to pull something off.

This woman was too good to be true. Yet she was true. She was here, right now, in his arms, looking at him with a softness he used to dream about as a child. When he hadn't yet completely given up on humanity, when he still longed to find goodness in the world, a safe place.

Then he’d learned safe places didn't exist.

At least that’s what he’d always believed, but Makayla felt safe. She felt like a place he could go and let down his barriers. Where he could learn who he really was beneath the layers and layers of denial he’d spent the last decades living under.

But he wasn't going to get a chance to spend more time with Makayla, to get to know her, to be a person who looked out for her while she was always looking out for everyone else. He wasn't going to get to have the chance to uncover himself, to stop pretending that he didn't feel, and relearn what it was like to experience the whole gamut of human emotions.

Because he was about to lose her.

“I promise you I can,” Makayla continued, those fingers of hers stroking across his. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I want you to do what you're here to do. I want you to find what you need to bring Azure down so no one else suffers.”

A growl ripped from his chest before he even realized it, making Makayla startle. “I'm sorry, I'm not angry at you. I just …”

“Just what?” she asked gently.

“I just want you to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself.”

From the look on her face the idea was clearly foreign to her. “I don’t need to worry about myself, because you're going to be sending in people after me, right?”

“Yes, of course yes. I will get the intel to Prey as soon as I can, and they will send people in after you. You’ll be rescued and they’ll take you someplace safe. You won't be able to go back to your life for a while, not until Azure is taken care of, but my boss will make sure you have everything you need until that happens.”

“It’s okay, Van, I trust you. You don’t have to try to convince me.”

It was obvious from the look in her eyes that was true. She did trust him even though he hadn't really given her any reason to. She fully believed that he could do exactly as he said he would and save her, while he was full of doubts.

So full of doubts it was hard to function, to not let them takeover.

This was why he didn't let himself feel, why he didn't let himself get attached to anyone. It was too much. This fear reminded him of all the times in his childhood when he’d been helpless and at the mercy of people who took pleasure in hurting him.

Just like Makayla was going to be shortly.

Whoever this Japanese guy was who had found out about her and decided to buy her would relish every second of her pain. And if he couldn’t break her, he’d probably have even more fun trying. Making things worse for her until maybe she really would wind up cracking under the pressure.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, letting his head tip forward until his forehead rested on hers.

“For what?”

“I should have let you run that day, either time. I should have made up an excuse, stalled the guys, whatever it took to let you get away.”

“That sounds lovely in theory, Van, but we both know it wouldn't have worked in practice. You’ve done what you could to protect me these last few days, and you're sending in people to rescue me. You’ve done more than enough.”

Another growl tumbled from his lips, and he was all too aware that he was wasting time, that if Marvin returned while he had Makayla in his arms like this, he was going to have a hard time coming up with a plausible explanation.

But he didn't care. He liked holding her, liked feeling her warmth against him. It seemed to seep inside him, thawing the ice he’d encased his entire body, heart, and mind in. He wasn't the one saving her, she was the one saving him, and he hadn't even thought he needed saving.

“Have a little faith, Van. The light always shines through the dark. It’s just the way it’s designed to happen.”