Page 64 of Defending Van

Until now.

Until her.

And now he had to walk away, and he had no idea how he was going to do it. In just a matter of days, Makayla had become his light, his oxygen, his center. Leaving her felt like ripping off a part of himself he’d only just regained contact with.

Needing air, he threw back the covers and climbed out of the bed. They were both staying in one of Prey’s apartments in the main office building in Manhattan. Nathan and Emma were next door, and Mateo and Ally were on the other side of them. He wanted Makayla to meet them, to have support from others who had gone through what she had, to be there for her if he had to leave.

If.

Because he couldn’t make that decision on his own.

He had to know Makayla wouldn't hate him if he finished this job. Needed reassurance when he’d never before cared what anyone thought.

In the bathroom, he splashed water on his face and examined his reflection. Was he really so desperate to be with another person that he was second-guessing himself that going back to do the job he was paid for was the right thing? It was crazy and yet⁠—

“Van!”

The terrified call had him moving before he even processed it, drawn by an instinct he didn't even understand to soothe her, protect her, kill anything that dared to think it got to touch her.

“Here, sweetheart, I'm right here,” he soothed as he reached for her and sat on the side of the bed, dragging her into his lap.

“Sorry,” she whispered as she shuddered violently and pressed her face into his neck. “I woke up, and you weren't there. It’s silly, but I just panicked.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said as he stroked a hand down her spine, trying not to hold her too tightly in deference to the gunshot wound in her shoulder and the one along her side. But she had all but plastered herself against him, and her trembling only increased until he tightened his grip. “I'm right here.” It was on the tip of his tongue to assure her that he’d never leave her side again, but he stopped himself. Not only was that not a promise he could make, but he couldn’t even guarantee he’d be here in the morning.

For a long time, they sat together, Makayla snuggled in his lap, her arms around his shoulders, her breathing slowly easing. Her body no longer shook, the warmth of her breath against his neck soothing him as he almost convulsively smoothed his hand up and down her back.

He couldn’t leave.

It was crazy to think he could.

“Did you hear from Falcon?” she finally asked, not lifting her head. “About the journal?”

Knowing they had to have this conversation, but dreading it nonetheless, he squeezed for a moment before loosening his hold. “We need to talk.”

“Something’s wrong,” she said, lifting her head to look at him with her big blue eyes, so full of warmth, of compassion, of hope. She was everything good and everything a man like him could never hope to deserve.

But she was here, and she seemed to want him, crazy as that was, and all he wanted was to keep her here forever, naked and in his arms, safe, protected, his. Which meant the words he was about to say tasted rotten in his mouth. “I have to go.”

Chapter

Twenty-Three

September 3rd

11:39 A.M.

“You have to go?” Makayla echoed as her stomach dropped. Of course, she knew that Van would have to return to Azure to aid in the takedown of the other head of the trafficking ring, but she thought she’d have a little more time with him.

“I won't, if you tell me not to,” he rushed to assure her, and seeing how earnestly he was worrying about her feelings, she knew she had to give him the reassurance he was seeking.

Besides, this wasn't forever. He’d come back to her, and they’d get some time to spend together to properly get to know one another.

“Did something happen with the ledger?” she asked.

“Falcon called, said they can't decipher it. There must be a code somewhere, probably in the possession of the remaining head of the ring, so they need me to go back in and find it. Without it, we still can't convict anyone,” Van explained. “But I told Falcon that I needed to talk to you first, and he agreed. If you don’t want me to go, then I won't.”

Framing his face with her hands, Makayla pressed a light kiss to his lips. “I believe you, Van, and that means so much to me. But we both know you have to do it. You have to go back undercover, you have to find the code to the ledger, destroy them, and make sure everyone connected to them is punished. You have to go back undercover,” she repeated because she got the feeling that he needed to hear it a few times before he believed it.