Page 63 of Bless My Heart

As hard as it is for me, I do exactly what I said I would. I stop attending Microeconomics. There are only a handful of classes left before the final, but my heart feels heavy every morning when I’m supposed to be in that class.

I wonder what Hazel is wearing or what she’s teaching. I wonder if her smile is bright or just barely there. I wonder if that motherfucker Jordan just decides to shows up again and tries to win her back.

I hope to God she doesn’t fall for that shit. I don’t want her to be with any other man, but I sure as hell don’t want her with that asshole. After everything I heard about him from Hazel and her friends, he shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe the same air as her. He didn’t appreciate her then, and he won’t appreciate her now.

No one will ever appreciate her as much as I do.

No one will ever take care of her body the way I do.

No one will ever love her like I do.

Fuck, it hurts to admit. I’m in love with her. I’m in love with someone who won’t let me love her. It figures the first time I fall in love, it’s with someone like Hazel Greenwood.

Quirky, smart, headstrong, and completely drives me crazy.

And I can’t have her.

On the last day of finals, Ozzy and I finish around the same time, so we both end up back at the house. It’s nice to be around my best friend. It’s been a while since it’s just been the two of us hanging out. Ever since Hazel and I stopped being Hazel and I, I haven’t had the energy to be around anyone. I don’t want to pretend like I’m ok when I’m not, but I also don’t want to tell my friends what happened.

I’m not good at being vulnerable. And I’m not sure my friends would understand, anyway. I mean, shit, Ozzy has to punch people in the face every few weeks to get out his aggression. I doubt he would know how it feels to be so completely in love with someone and not be able to have them.

But I can’t run from my friends and family forever.

Ozzy and I meet up in our backyard to soak in the hot tub.

“How were your finals?” I ask him.

He shrugs. “Good, I guess. Glad to be done. Only one more semester of this shit.”

“Yeah, I know. Can’t wait.” I still haven’t told anyone that my graduation will be pushed to the summer. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but I’m not ready yet. I look out into our empty backyard, not really looking at anything. I just can’t look my best friend in the face an continue to lie to him. “What are you doing over winter break?”

“Same shit, man. Working. Fighting.” I nod my head. I knew that’s what he would do, but I asked anyway. Something feels off between us, strained. I’m not sure if it’s me and my problems or if he has something going on that he doesn’t want to tell me.

I should ask him.

A good friend would ask him.

But I’m not in the headspace to be a good friend right now, so I just let it go.

A few minutes later, my sister stumbles out into the backyard.

She looks off, like something is wrong. She seems confused.

“Wes…” she says, barely above a whisper. I know instantly something is wrong. I don’t know what it is, but she needs me. I jump out of the hot tub, and Ozzy follows behind. Water goes everywhere, but we don’t care.

“Stella? Stella, what’s wrong?” I call out to her, but she doesn’t answer.

I think she says “I’m sorry,” as I watch her body fall to the ground. Her head hits the cement, and I hear a crack. Fuck, I won’t be unhearing that for a while.

I get to her side right after she falls. “Stella. Come on, Stella.” When I put my hand underneath her head to cushion it, I feel her blood covering my fingers.

I look at Ozzy. His face is pale, which I imagine mirrors mine.

“Oh shit. Stella. Baby, open your eyes,” Ozzy says to her, getting closer to her face. I find my phone on the table and dial 9-1-1. I hear Ozzy behind me saying, “Baby, you’re going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.”

Then it registers with me. He just called my little sister baby.

What in the actual fuck?