Page 44 of AJ’s Fire

I nodded, and we were quiet. He stayed quiet until I began.

“A guy hit on me last year, at Freeda’s New Year’s Eve party. No, that’s not exactly right. I … He wanted to hit on me, so he asked if you and I were together. Said it seemed like we were.”

“Darren’s boyfriend, Merrick. I remember.”

“I guess I’ve always thought guys could be hot. But I never … I never thought more about it than that. I mean, I enjoy sex with women, so what difference did it make if I thought a guy was hot? And I never wanted to rock the boat where my family is concerned. That’s why I got a fucking MBA before I was able to tell my parents I didn’t want to run their company. But that talk with Merrick made me … it… it was like a smack in the face. It made me think about it, made it real. I told him we were both straight, but after that conversation, I couldn’t get it off my mind.”

“And you thought you couldn’t tell me? Is that why you pulled away from me?”

“Yes. No.” I let out a frustrated, “Ugh,” and ran my fingers up and down my face. “What are you doing here, AJ? Why did we …” I waved my hand between us. Unwilling to say the words out loud, afraid the dream would evaporate if I did, and I would wake up alone in the cabin, having been stood up by some rando from Guys4Guys.

It was my turn to pause and wait for AJ to take up the conversation. I could sense him looking at me and could tell when he nodded his head.

“Okay, fair enough. My turn. I have fucking hated this past year, and it didn’t take long to realize that it wasn’t because I’d lost my bro code buddy, or because I wasn’t out getting laid as much. It was because I’d lost my best friend. I don’t know how it was for you”—his voice dropped to a whisper—“but I realized, once we’d stopped spending practically every night out on the prowl, that it wasn’t the prowl I was missing or the women. It was you. It had always been about spending that time with you in the bars, talking to you the next day. Watching the game with you on Sundays even if all we were doing was babysitting Vera while we watched.

“You’ve been there for me, Jackson, since the first time I shook your hand and teased you for being a probie. It wasn’t a big leap, for me at least, to realize that the one thing that was missing in our relationship were those hours when we would split up and go home with different women. Always different women, Jax. Never one I wanted to see long-term or settle down with, because I always wanted to come back to you.

“Did I know I was attracted to men? I mean, no, I genuinely didn’t realize that. If I think about it, were there clues over the years?” He shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was a horrible, jealous monster last night, thinking about you coming up here to be with someone else. And when I watched him leave, it wasn’t even about that. I just didn’t want to see you hurting. I don’t ever want to see you hurting. I want you, and I want to … I’ll do … I’ll be whatever you want, Jax. Whatever you need to explore this. If it’s just your sexuality. Or if it’s your sexuality and us. We take this at your pace. I just want my best friend back.” He ended on a whisper.

It took just one beat before I jumped over and straddled him again, taking his head in my hands and kissing him with a fever and a passion I’d only ever seen in movies. He gave it right back to me, but all too soon, we slowed down, kissing unhurriedly, rhythmically, our lips sharing the rest of the story. My hands found their way under the tight T-shirt I’d loaned him, and I ran them up and down his chest before I worked my way behind and pulled myself as close to him as possible. I held on tight, and we kissed and kissed. Eventually, I pulled away with another frustrated, “Ugh,” sitting back down and staring at the fire. I could sense him turning and staring at me, and he waited me out once again. Waited for me to finish our story.

Finally, I started in the same hushed tones he had ended on. “It’s because of you. I stayed away this year because of you.” My heart felt like it was about to beat directly out of my chest. “Because I didn’t just realize I was into guys. I realized I was into you, and I was so afraid of ruining our friendship. I thought … Well, Ems said, The best way to get over someone …”

He finished the phrase for me, “is to get under someone else.”

“That’s it.” I nodded to the fire. “So I downloaded Guys4Guys. I’d stay on for a few days, then chicken out. I did that all summer, Aje. All fucking summer, chatting with guys, then finding a reason why they weren’t good enough. Why they weren’t the one.

“I broadened my search to include up here and started talking to Newbie. He’s the guy …”

“I know.”

“And he seemed like he was in the same boat as me, or at the same stage or whatever. It seemed like maybe we could get through our first time together. But the thing is, it would have been just that. Getting it over with. I don’t know if I would have gone through with it. I guess he was as apprehensive as I was.”

“I’m so sorry I invaded your privacy, Jax. Seeing those texts, it was like my brain exploded, then reset. It made everything clearer and more confusing all in the same moment. I should never have … It was just an innocent glance. Habit, really. A phone pings, and you check it out, right? I’ve been so worried about you, and today, knowing what you were doing up here, I was worried and jealous and just wanted to be here for you, whatever happened. To be with you. But I stopped myself from coming until Emily called and said she was worried too. It’s like she gave me the permission I needed.”

I scoffed. “What’s she up to? She insisted on going out with you, but instead, it’s like she’s pushing us together.”

“She’s our fairy godmother.” We were quiet for a beat before we both started to laugh.

“Oh, shit,” AJ said. “Can we say fairy? I don’t know the rules, Jax. We’re gonna have to have a training session with my brothers to learn how to be queer.”

I stiffened at his words.

Chapter Fifteen

AJ

I’d said something wrong. I was looking at Jackson, though he was mostly staring at the flames. Then we were kissing, and my world was on fire. We stopped and were talking and laughing and it felt right and normal, but I’d said something that had Jackson tensing up, and he was staring at the fucking fire again.

I reached an arm out and held his bicep. I loved touching him. It’s not like we’d never touched before. As a matter of fact, as I thought about it, we touched an awful lot. It’s like we were always finding excuses to be close to each other. Why hadn’t I realized how much I loved touching him? I shifted position, an arm around his shoulders, encouraging him to lean into me. He did so, never taking his eyes away from the flames.

Instead of forcing him to face me head-on, I closed my eyes as well and pictured the oranges and reds dancing in the green-and-gold flecks of his eyes. I rested my chin atop his head.

“It’s just you and me now, Jax.” There was another pause, and I hoped it meant Jackson was gathering his thoughts. I tightened my grip on his shoulder, encouraging him to relax into me.

“It’s that easy for you, AJ? You’ll just tell your brothers and, what, become my fuck buddy or something? Just like that?”

“I said I’d do whatever you want. If you want a fuck buddy, I’m there for you. If you’re not ready to come out, we’ll stay in. I just want my friend back.” I kissed the top of his head.