Page 25 of Josh’s Play

“I noticed you behaved pretty well on Thursday.”

Campbell looked down at his hands but then did this adorable thing where he kept his head down and looked up at me through his eyelashes and those floppy bangs as if he were confessing a secret. His eyelashes, by the way, were perhaps the longest I had ever seen. Were eyelashes sexy?

“My family surprised me on Thursday and came to the game. We don’t live too far away, but it’s hard for them to leave the farm. It was a whole thing. I haven’t told them …”

I interrupted, hoping to save Campbell from having to talk about our encounter or coming out again. “I know, Cam. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. Please trust me.”

“What? No. I know, and I do trust you. It’s not that. I haven’t told them about the Buffalo Blizzard. I don’t want to get their hopes up.”

“Your parents must be supportive of you playing, though, right?” Campbell smiled and started talking about his family, their hard work on the farm, and their sacrifices to get him to the rink for practice. He made them sound like good parents, but there was some reason Cam felt like he couldn’t come out. Instinctively, I blamed them.

“Luckily, the rec center was in our town, so we didn’t have to travel for practice like some of the other kids. But it was still a lot of time away from the farm for one of my parents when they had to travel with me to games.”

Campbell started to reminisce about playing as a kid and through high school, and I started taking notes.

He talked a lot about discipline and focus, mentioning a high school coach who’d taught him that hockey should be his sole priority. Anything that distracted from hockey was frowned upon, including relationships. As a person who’d lived a pretty directionless life, I couldn’t really relate, so I sure as shit couldn’t criticize him for it. But it did seem to me like the setup for a very lonely life.

I began to look forward to both the games and our time in 3C. I loved listening to Cam talk, his passion for the game, and his commitment to his family shining through in everything he said. He was genuine, and I felt a pull toward him that I’d never felt before.

I was at my fourth game, the first period wrapping up, when I got two texts, one right after the other.

Dev: My fucking brother.

Finn: Can we talk?

I sent Devon a shrugging emoji. Him being pissed off at his twin brother, Gavin, was not new news, so I was going for the what can you do about it vibe.

To Cam, I responded: It’s the middle of the game, with a winky-face emoji.

Finn: After. Meet around back, where we entered the day you skated for me.

The day we first kissed, I thought, and the memory had my heart beating in such a frenzy I worried for my health. It was not a feeling I was familiar with. I responded with a simple “ok.”

Before the end of the game, which Hampstead won, I had another text from Devon.

Dev: Lucky at Lefty’s. See you tomorrow.

Dev: PS, fuck Gavin

Josh: Fuck Gavin

I was nothing if not a supportive best friend. I waited until the stands had cleared out, scribbling thoughts and game highlights in my little notebook and figuring Campbell would need time to shower and do whatever it was teams did in locker rooms after wins. If TV was to be believed, the players would all be jumping on each other in a totally bro-dude way and slapping each other's asses until the coach calmed them down and gave a heartfelt speech. I jotted a note to ask Cam what really happens in the locker room before bundling up and heading out of the building and around to the back door.

There was a group huddled near it, mostly women, and mostly, I was pretty sure, girlfriends of Cam’s teammates. Diane was among them. My phone pinged again as I stood off to the side, hoping not to be noticed.

Finn: Celebration at the Hockey House tonight. I wanted to talk to you, but I don't think I can get out of it.

I shrugged and started to turn away, reminding myself what a bad idea it was to get hung up on a closeted dude. Devon was out for the night. I started to close out of my messaging app in favor of the Guys4Guys hookup app, but before I could, the three dots started jumping. I watched them bounce as I began to walk away.

I was almost out of sight of the small crowd when my phone pinged again, at the same time I heard the door open and a very rowdy group of guys start cheering.

Finn: You could come? I told the guys about the project, and that you’d basically be there doing research so we could talk about the game on our podcast.

Finn: The after-party is a crucial part of the hockey experience, after all.

The text was followed by a series of alternating emojis of a winking face, a hockey stick, and a mug of beer.

I looked up to see that the gaggle of girls, many now arm in arm with besuited men, was heading away from the arena as the last of the team straggled out of the door and followed them. Bringing up the rear, a few paces behind a group of three players, was Cam, looking down at his phone. He stepped out and stayed by the door, in the shadow of the building, looking around, first at the group, then at the larger area. From my distance in the dark, I doubted he could see me. He hung back by the door as the crowd walked away from him, his face illuminated by his phone.