Page 62 of Josh’s Play

“I do want to play hockey. I just don’t …”

I sighed, and they sighed along with me, both of them placing a hand on my back, Mom still holding mine tightly. Instinctively, I went to run my hand through my hair again, but her grip remained.

“I thought it would be easier to stay in the closet. If no one knew, it wouldn’t matter. Coach Beckett used to drill into me that hockey had to be my sole focus. Did you guys know that he used to tell me not to worry about my schoolwork? I was late for practice one time—one time, when I was helping you guys with a birth out in the field, and he told me I shouldn’t be helping with the farm!”

“We knew he was tough on you kids, but no, I definitely didn’t know that part about your homework. You were always so studious. You always managed everything so beautifully.”

“Yeah. I tried. But how I managed it was by cutting certain things out. Not having much of a social life was a safe choice. It kept me in the closet and …”

Mom’s grip on my hand tightened. “Coach Beckett told you to stay in the closet?”

“No, Mom, he didn’t know. But he did tell me that I shouldn’t have any distractions, and that relationship drama was a distraction.”

“He was a big influence on you,” my Dad said, understanding blooming. “On your play, for sure. I guess I never realized that his advice bled out into other areas of your life.” Dad looked over my head to Mom. “I reminded Cam over Thanksgiving that lots of NHL players manage to have a social life and play hockey. It might not be easy …”

Mom picked up the thread. “But no relationship is, honey. As a matter of fact,” she said, still looking at her husband, “the relationships that are worth fighting for are usually the ones worth having. Don’t give your life up for the NHL, Campbell. You can have both.”

Though we would talk about it more over the short time I spent at home over the holidays, I didn’t get the chance at that moment to remind them how much more difficult my social life would be compared to other players because my younger brother walked in at that moment.

“Really? I won’t even get to escape having serious talks with you two when I’m in college? Quick, Cam. I’ll distract them, you run!”

In the end, my parents understood why I felt the need to stay in the closet, though they weren’t happy about it. We did agree that I shouldn’t hide the fact from the NHL or anyone we hired to help me navigate my career.

Like every other break, the hockey team returned early after the New Year holiday. I assumed Josh wasn’t staying on campus, but I knew he was nearby at his parents’ home. Thoughts of him consumed me. Everything reminded me of him, from the Hockey House, to the rink, to the twin dorms where he lived. Even places around campus that we had never shared reminded me of Josh. I felt him everywhere.

Classes started, and I scanned each of mine, hoping he’d be there, even the ones for my major, which I knew he wouldn’t be in. I’d been back for two weeks and hadn’t run into him. Countless times I pulled out my phone, contemplating our text chain, but I was afraid of those telltale dots showing up on his phone if he happened to be doing the same thing at the same time.

Then of course, I’d scoff at the thought of Josh the player pining after some virgin. I’d picture what he was more likely doing on his phone, swiping right with abandon and enjoying his last semester of college. It didn’t sit well with me, but I tried to convince myself that I was happy for Josh to get on with his life.

One night Diane showed up at the Hockey House while Noah was still out to dinner with the rest of our roommates. I’d stayed home to video chat with my youngest brother.

I let Diane in while I was still on the phone but said goodbye to Danny as we walked back toward the living room.

“They should be home soon,” I said as I walked past the couch, on my way to my room.

“I know. Keep me company?”

“Sure.”

“What’s new?”

I laughed. “You’re here every day, Diane. Pretty sure there’s nothing new since you left this morning.”

“Valid point. So, um, do you ever hear from Josh anymore?”

My heart began to pound. I’d confessed my time with Josh to Noah and assumed he’d shared with his girlfriend, though I’m sure he’d kept his word and not shared my secret with anyone else.

“We were just study partners. We …”

“Cam.” She leaned in and whispered even though we were alone. “I don’t get why you had to stop seeing him.”

“I was never seeing him,” I whispered back.

She gave me a look that called bullshit.

“I came out to my parents over Thanksgiving,” I confessed.

“That’s great!” She placed a hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t change the subject.”